What I Want To Be When I Grow Up
By Brendan Fraser, Age 8
When I grow up, I want to be a movie actor. I know that a lot of kids say that, but I know that I will succeed, because I am not unrealistic about it like Tiffany, who says she wants to be as famous as Madonna. I don't think Madonna's even going to be famous that much longer anyway; not after that naughty Sex book my Dad bought and hides under his mattress.
The reason I think I can be an actor is because I have normal expectations. I don't want to be a big dramatic actor, or even a big action star. All I want is to be that guy that people know his face, and some people know his name, but most people just go "oh, yeah, that guy." This is my dream.
And instead of being in any serious movies, I just want to be in the kinds of movies that parents take their kids to the matinées of because they think it will be fun and have some action, but not be too violent. Like movies where there is some punching, but not lots, and all the shooting misses.
I would like to fight Mummies. In real life, but if that is not possible, at least in a movie.
Mummies are not that scary; they move slow and they are wrapped in toilet paper. So as an actor in the movie I could make a lot of jokes like “boy, you are slow,” and “you know what else is in toilet paper?” But then before I could say “poop” the ground would break or something and I’d fall and yell real goofy. The kids would like that, because it’s goofy, and the parents could laugh because they knew I was talking about poop.
Maybe Disney could produce my action movies. I think that would make sure my head never got too big, or I got to thinking I was a real movie hero. I just want to be regular. Instead of going to bars and clubs in Hollywood, I will go to the Applebee’s in Long Beach. And when I date ladies, they will be pretty, but not so pretty that the media makes a name out of both of our names to represent the couple.
In my movies, I will always have kids with me. That will keep me from swears. Also in my movies, I will always dress kind of the same: a khaki vest and stuff like Indiana Jones, but not as nice. That way, people will remember that I was in other movies that they saw.
When I do interviews, I will seem like I am not having a very good time, but just saying what the interviewer wants to hear. This will make me seem like I am smarter and more talented than the movies I am in, but that I just never get a fair shot. That way no one will really know how good I am (which is just okay). This will work at first, until later in my career when my interviews will just be painful to watch.
In my movies, the final answer to the riddle will always be friendship. This will teach families that friendship is the best thing.
Other best things I would like in my movies:
Army guys (but not scary ones…Canadian ones).
Cartoons (I will be in the movie with the cartoons, acting with them).
I think these things will make enough good movies that people will like me, but enough really bad movies that no one will really like me. That way, I can be nice to my fans that speak to me on the street, because I will be lonely.
After a long time, I will take a break from making these movies, because I may be sad that everyone always sees me and says “yeah, that guy. I kind of like him.” I will do some TV show appearances and maybe a dramatic art film where I am gay. This will surprise everyone, and prove that I have acting skill, because in real life I am not gay. Or am I? No one will care enough to find out.
But after a few years, I want to then go back to movies. I don’t think I will be able to be in great scripts, because I will already be known as the guy that does okay family action movies, and no studios will want to take a chance on me as a big star. But to make my comeback big, I will have to do
something interesting, like maybe making TWO movies instead of one like usual.
Maybe one will be in 3-D. That will make people kind of like me even more than they did before.
And at the movie premieres I will wear suits that are nice, but not too nice, and only a few cameras will be there. But still, I will smile, because deep inside I will know that all along, this was my dream.
When not being prescient, Brendan Fraser has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with sketch comedy troupe Those Aren't Muskets!
Sign up for the Cracked Newsletter
Get the best of Cracked sent directly to your inbox!
The traditional sitcom never would have died without the early aughts Fox series choking the life out of it with its brutal honesty and unadulterated laughs. Now, creator and star Christopher Titus, along with the rest of the show’s cast and crew, share how they found poetry and humor in his pain — pissing off network executives all along the way