Miley, Mandy and Me (Hannah Montana's a Bitch)

Some of you may not be aware of this, but the contract for being a Cracked Blogger states that you have to share a house with all of the other Cracked Bloggers. I moved in a couple of weeks ago. It’s not so bad. I share a bed with Gladstone, who is, astonishingly enough, even hairier than he looks on film. I miss my girlfriend and family and sometimes it’s a little uncomfortable, living in a small house with five other guys. Also, I don’t think Swaim knows that I’m part black. I’m running out of excuses to give him when he asks me to accompany him to his White Supremacist meetings, which actually happen a lot more frequently than you might expect. It gets awkward. No matter how strange and often aggravating living in a Cracked House gets, I can’t imagine that it would ever be quite as irritating as sharing a house with that bitch who plays Hannah Montana. What is that belief based on, you ask? An irrational hatred that, perhaps, borders on obsessive? Not this time. (

Those other times, though, yes, absolutely.) This time around, I have hardcore evidence to back up my reasons for thinking Hannah “The Holocaust Never Happened” Montana would make an awful roommate. Ladies and Gentlemen, allow me to present that bitch who plays Hannah Montana’s new Youtube show “The Miley and Mandy Show.”

If you didn’t watch it, (which would be totally understandable), I can sum it up: Hannah Montana and her stupid fucking friend run around for about eight minutes screaming at the top of their lungs for no discernible reason. Also, she has more money than you could ever imagine and she’s never had to put in an honest day’s work once in her life. I just don’t understand why this grinning, shrieking harpy is famous for anything. Again, I don’t watch whatever her actual TV show is, but is it anything like this? Two unremarkable fifteen year olds doing cartwheels and flaunting their giant teeth? Why does this little bastard-faced fathead have so much more money than I do? Instead of complaining to strangers and sending hate mail to where I assume Hannah lives, (which I do on a daily basis), I'll drown my sorrows in some of my favorite Montana's-a-Bitch-isms ("Mabisms") from last week:
“Hannah Montana is the reason your dad left.”-uber
“Hannah Montana poops in your coffee, every single morning.” -tashton
“Hanna Montana has had, to date, 665 abortions. The 666th will be the antichrist.” -Garida
“Hannah Montana secretly masterminded the assassination of Benazir Bhutto. She’s totally, like, soooo against a Democratic Pakistan y’all.” -lbh
“Hannah Montana is calling you from INSIDE THE HOUSE!” -pimphand
“Hannah Montana keeps JFK and John Lennon as pets on a derelict island in the south pacific.”-IHateHannah
“Nicolas Cage has made many bad movies.” -Gladstone
“New Hannah Montana album tracklisting: 1. Communism Rocks! 2. Mahmoud Ahmadinejab is My Best Friend 3. Eat Your Parents 4. Hey Kids! Meth Tastes Like Candy! 5. Mmmm… Baby Rape! 6. Heil Hannah! 7. Murder is Fun For Everyone 8. KILL!!!!!!! 9. I Just Ate a Kitten 10. Fuck the Geneva Convention 11. So What (Anti-Nowhere League cover… look up the lyrics)” -Vimmy
“Hannah Montana invented racism. Hannah Montana gave Michael J. Fox Parkinson’s. Hannah Montana is a Patriots fan.” -Neil
“Hannah Montana once hurt me badly. I wrote a film script I was extremely proud of, and I was copyediting it one night, when the window beside blew through into a million splinterry pieces. Then, dressed in a black cloak, Hannah Montana stepped through under cover of a howling gale, grinning like a loon. “I demand your script, I’ve heard about it in my underground cave of doom, and I think it’s going to make me even MORE of a millionaire.” “No Hannah Montana, this is MY script. I worked very hard on this,” I told her, quite sadly. “Ignorant peon, stand aside.” She took my script by brute force, and for good measure, kicked my cat up the butt. Then she left, cackling manically. My cat can’t sit down properly any more. And she turned my stolen film script into the Bratz Movie and sold it on.” -Captain Ross
“Hannah Montana gave Magic Johnson AIDS.”-Oleo
“Hannah Montana told me she was 19.” -Juanito Gallo
And my personal favorite:
“Who the fuck is Hannah Montana?” -newslamp