How Dumb Do You Have To Be To Try And Hold Netflix Ransom?

Recently, the new season of Orange Is The New Black was stolen off the computers of a post-production company a month before its official release and thrown onto torrent sites in low-quality files. People who can't afford Netflix's $12 monthly fee were delighted, as they now weren't forced to choose between feeding their children or giving up easy access to all 28 seasons of Frasier.

The hackers went by the name TheDarkOverlord. If you read that and thought "Dorks," shame on you for stereotyping people based on an ultimately meaningless internet username. We all have a DeviantArt account that we regret. But if you still think that after reading literally anything TheDarkOverlord has written online, then that's totally fine.

Every word TheDarkOverlord has made public is drenched with the arrogance and theatricality of a wannabe Batman villain. They're trying so hard to be the grandiose antagonist that you can almost see their fedoras, scraggly pube-like facial hairs, and anime body pillows poking through their sentences.

Let's go through some of their B-villain monologuing, starting with the dorkier parts of the statement TheDarkOverlord released after Netflix refused to comply with their ransom demands. And yes, TheDarkOverlord tried to hold episodes of a streaming TV show for ransom, as if Orange Is The New Black was Netflix's kidnapped child who would be slowly lowered into a tank of sharks unless Netflix revealed its secret identity. I don't know much about ransom schemes, but neither does TheDarkOverlord, from the sound of it.

Oh, and just for fun, I've swapped out the word "Netflix" with "Batman."

We're back again. Did you miss us? Of course, you did. We're willing to bet Batman did as well. Speaking of which, Batman clearly received our message ...

Do note that there are 13 episodes. However, we were so early when we acquired the copies that post hadn't gotten around to Episodes 11-13. Perhaps Batman will consider releasing the season earlier now that the cat's out of the bag?

It didn't have to be this way, Batman. You're going to lose a lot more money in all of this than what our modest offer was. We're quite ashamed to breathe the same air as you. We figured a pragmatic business such as yourselves would see and understand the benefits of cooperating with a reasonable and merciful entity like ourselves.

We're not quite done yet, though. We're calling you out: ABC, National Geographic, Fox, IFC, and of course Batman, still. There's more Batman on the feasting menu soon (in addition to the other studios, of course), but we'll get to that later.

This statement was released in text on Pastebin. What's the matter, TheDarkOverlord, couldn't hack into worldwide satellite feeds to broadcast your message simultaneously on every screen on earth, especially to gathering crowds in Times Square and to small-town folk huddled in front of TV displays in store front windows? Pfft. Amateurs. You guys think you're the Riddler, but you're the goddamn Cluemaster.

Their Twitter page is an even richer vein of horrendously cheesy melodramatic bad-guy-speak. They fall into two categories:

1) Threats written like the scene in every action movie in which the bad guy is trying to keep their cool despite their plan falling apart ...

2) Literary quotes and random highfalutin pontificating screenwriters love to have villains recite to make them seem like more than just run-of-the-mill madmen -- they're pretentious douchebag madmen ...

When it comes to hackers, the high stakes of Russia's alleged interference in the 2016 presidential election skews the sample. TheDarkOverlord's work is closer to the frivolousness of most hacks. Rather than use their skills to expose a shadowy corporation, they go after one that is internationally beloved for providing us with Adam Sandler movies whenever we want them. While on paper, that sounds like reason enough to warrant theft, ransom, and the low-quality verbal antagonizing usually found in 1990s Wesley Snipes films, it's actually kind of sad. These guys were twirling their mustaches as they tied Orange Is The New Black to train tracks, and Netflix refused to be its heroic Dudley Do-Right. And here's why they never will:

Everything eventually makes it onto torrent sites without the uploaders ransoming networks. What does Netflix care about a little ransom when the whole season will be available to pirate for free in perfect 1080p in a month anyway?

Congratulations, TheDarkOverlord, you've made the inevitable happen a tiny bit faster. Now here's a word of unsolicited advice: When you're inevitably arrested, don't forget to shout "I'll have my revenge!" and "You haven't seen the last of me!" Really adds to the mood.

Luis is totally a 1337 h4x0r too. Follow him as he hacks the Gibson on Twitter, Tumblr, and Facebook.

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Join Jack O'Brien and Cracked staffers Carmen Angelica, Alex Schmidt, Michael Swaim, plus comedian Blake Wexler for a retelling of history's biggest moments you didn't realize everyone was drunk for.

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