M. Night Shyamalan is Making a Trilogy. Of Movies. Really.
Is it too early to start making fun of M. Night Shyamalan’s next film? No? Thank god, because I have this whole thing written out already, and I would have been completely boned if you’d said, "Yes." Shyamalan--either through a deal with the devil (that even the devil is likely regretting about now); a series of misunderstandings so wacky they'd have to feature a guest appearance by Mr. Bean; or possibly just good ol' fashioned inscrutable Asian trickery--has managed to secure a three picture financing deal with Media Rights Capital called the Night Chronicles (because calling them "a colossal waste of money" seems a tad pessimistic).
“No, I’m not going wakeboarding. What do I, want to pull a groin muscle?” – Tad PessimisticShyamalan writes, directs and produces most of his movies himself, ostensibly operating under the assumption that if you want to fuck up something that badly, you have to do it all yourself. But the first of the
"AUUUHHHGGGGOD I HAVE TO STOP LISTENING TO THE INTERNET."Done? Good! Now, pull the pen out of your ruined brain and write a sentence adhering to these criteria: Somebody or something is trapped somewhere unexpected, and one person or thing is not what one would otherwise reasonably assume. All set? Awesome. I’m assuming you wrote something along the lines of “Hor dordle ordle dor” before the overwhelming pain and shock caused the pleasure center of your brain to misfire and you shot ejaculate on your keyboard. And that’s OK, because it’s still just slightly more intriguing than the premise of Devil. If we took up a collection right now, raised a modest budget, cast a charming, unpretentious lead and put “Hor Dordle Ordle Dor: The Tragic Story of One Disabled Man’s Quest to Find His Pants” on film, I promise you it would be a more rewarding cinematic experience than
It's a gripping journey; will they ever get all the way up there?And in case you think I’m exaggerating in order to make this sound worse than it is, here is the real, actual logline they were using to market this movie: “The film revolves around a group of people trapped in an elevator, and one of them is the devil." Do you have loved ones? Tell them you’ve been depressed lately. Tell them you’ve been lonely and listless; that you were honestly thinking about ending it all, and then you discovered the joy of writing. Make sure they know, in no uncertain terms, that this is the only thing keeping you alive. Then tell them you wrote a story. When they ask what it’s about, say these exact words out loud: “It revolves around a group of people trapped in an elevator, and one of them is the
"Hahaha, oh god, oh god I'm going to miss you so much! Ahahaha shit!"And remember that this is a three picture deal: A trilogy, a fucking saga of M. Night Shyamalan conceived and written films. Now, don’t ask me how I did this--there was a lot of cocaine, a good amount of huddled crying and about four quarts of lard involved--but I managed to get my hands on the idea sheet of possible storylines for the next two movies in the series:
Project #2Description: It was supposed to be the night of Mochachino’s life: She just landed the starring role in an all-transvestite rendition of
Project #1Description: A trailer comes out that looks kind of neat, but the storyline is left mysteriously vague. Upon further research, the movie you were initially, very briefly excited about starts to sound more and more like the plot to a coloring book. Logline: M. Night Shyamalan is trapped in one of his movies, but is he who he says he is?
You can buy Robert's book, Everything is Going to Kill Everybody: The Terrifyingly Real Ways the World Wants You Dead, or find him on Twitter, Facebook and his own site, I Fight Robots or you can stay tuned for the extra special twist after the credits (HINT: It's nothing! Websites don't have credits and you can't "stay tuned" to them.)