If you've been wondering why some posts on this blog have seemed thin and phoned in lately, I've got some answers for you--unless you're talking about Gladstone's posts; I don't know what's wrong with that guy.
But on the off chance you've sensed a little haste in my posts as of late, like calling a koi pond a coy pond, or referring to the Holocaust as if it didn't happen, then you'll be happy to know that I'm not off my game; I've just been hauling boxes of all my worldly possessions up three flights in order to move into my brand new Los Angeles apartment, complete with famousness guarantees and a self-service cocaine bar (currently understocked).
Why the move? Well, to be honest, a number of star-crossed romances went south and a healthy percentage of the San Diego Mormon population wanted me out. And you don’t say ‘no’ to a mob of guys with pitchforks and magic underwear.
But even though I’ve been a Hollywood celebrity for a whole 48 hours now, I can’t shake the feeling that I'm nothing more than a small-town kid lost in the Big City. So I thought it’d be worth our while to get to know Los Angeles the only way a Blogger knows how: Googling.
Join me, won’t you, for a brief walking tour of the
City Of Angels? Except instead of walking we’ll be sitting on our fat asses, and instead of Meg Ryan riding a bike with her eyes closed and getting hit by a truck…actually, we’ll keep that part.
Los Angeles: Portrait Of A City In Google News Headlines
THE HEADLINE: Oh My, Mini Me
The Gist: Verne Troyer, soon to be known as Oscar Winner Verne Troyer for his stunning performance in The Love Guru, is sexually functional. Who knew? This lady, who videotaped their sex and has made the tape available through TMZ.com
What Can We Learn? That Hollywood can be as cruel as she is generous. And that Verne Troyer has a massive penis. Seriously, he’s shaped like a gavel.
Overall Impression: I’ll have to start having sex in an EMP suit when I’m famous.
How Much It Makes Me Want To Live in L.A.: A lot. Where there’s sex tapes, there’s sex, and me having it.
THE HEADLINE: A Need For Beer
The Gist: An old woman drove her car through the front window of a liquor store in Long Beach, then got out of the car, went to the coolers, and attempted to purchase a six-pack of Bud Light.
What Can We Learn? Los Angeles is a city on the move. We like our beer domestic, our store windows out of the fucking way, and our elderly incarcerated on $15,000 bail.
Overall Impression: As long as I maintain my habit of only drinking alcohol poured down the length of a Corinthian leather chaise lounge, I think I’m in the clear.
How Much It Makes Me Want To Live in L.A.: Somewhat. I don’t care for flying cars, but I love brass, and this lady’s got it in spades.
THE HEADLINE: Los Angeles Police Shut Down Airport Roads Due To Bomb Threat
The Gist:LAX got shut down when a man claimed to have explosives on his body, and police brought in a robot to inspect his bags, which turned out to be the exact opposite of explosives. Which is to say, they violently imploded.
What Can We Learn? Robots love bombs.
Overall Impression: The LAPD, despite their reputation, are calm, clear-headed individuals out to make everyone safer, even crazy guys at airports. In fact, I bet after the beating was over, they all had a big laugh and bought the guy a drink.
How Much It Makes Me Want To Live in L.A.: Neutral. Robots are awesome, but for all I know the only one they had just imploded.
THE HEADLINE: Police Officer Sues LAPD And Los Angeles, Alleging Religious Discrimination
The Gist: An LAPD Sergeant and off-time pastor is suing the police department for discriminating against him due to remarks he made at a fallen officer’s eulogy regarding the “sinfulness of homosexuality” and the “lake of fire to which gays are condemned.”
What Can We Learn? Never ask a police officer to give your eulogy.
Overall Impression: Okay, maybe I was hasty about the whole “police are good” thing. I’ll have to put on some N.W.A. and meditate on it for a while.
How Much It Makes Me Want To Live in L.A.: Starting to dip. I’m nothing if not respectful to the gay community, and to eulogies.
THE HEADLINE: California Man And Alleged Accomplice Charged With Slaying Four
The Gist: Two guys broke into one of their ex-wife’s house, and killed her and her kids and new boyfriend with a baseball bat and samurai sword, then burned down the house.
What Can We Learn? What?! They did what?!Overall Impression: With a baseball bat and a WHAT?!How Much It Makes Me Want To Live in L.A.: Get me the fuck out of here!
So if you’re wondering why my posts next week seem a little thin or rushed, it’s probably because I’m busy hauling all my shit back to sunny San Diego. At least Mormons don’t use swords.
And if I am still in L.A. this time next week, rest assured it’ll only be because The Gap is on fire and Britney’s moving out.
Michael is head writer and co-founder of the hot-shot L.A.-based sketch troupe Those Aren't Muskets!