The Most Relaxing Cracked Store Sale Yet
No matter who you are or what your beliefs, we can all agree that it's been a long, stressful week. That's why the Cracked Shop and the Cracked Dispensary are teaming up today for one simple mission: to help you take a load off and relax.
Lets try a quick breathing exercise to start. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Are you feeling any better? No? OK, lets try it again once more, but this time, maybe we use something from the list below.
If you enjoy the occasional vape to unwind, then you can't beat The Hippie 2.0 Vaporizer. Between the wall mount, the filter screens, a glass pipe attachment, a retro leather carrying case, and a food-grade rubber mouthpiece, this baby's got so much versatility that we wouldn't be surprised if it replaced the Swiss army knife soon. But don't let the extra attachments stress you out; vaping is still as easy as pressing a button and staring smugly into the distance. And because we want you to be able to relax as much as possible, we're knocking the price down from $159 to $89.99. Now you and your wallet can vape a sigh of relief.
Not a vaper? Maybe you're a blunter. The biggest bummer about blunts, though, is that rolling papers suck. They're wasteful, they're annoying to keep buying, and if you have the dexterity of the typical Cracked writer, using them usually results in paper macheing your fingers to your face. The Twisty Glass Blunt completely eliminates the need for rolling papers. Just pack the tube, twist the screw, light the end, and you're good to go. Once you're done kicking back, twist the screw out and the ash leaves cleanly. The only way we could make this more low-maintenance is if the blunt gained sentience and packed itself. Sadly, the science just isn't there yet.
The easiest way to kill the mood is when you're just about to smoke and your lighter gives out. Now, instead of sweet release, you're driving to 7/11, white-knuckling the steering wheel as you sit behind the slowest Chevy Tahoe in the world. That's why you need the Flameless USB Travel Lighter. Not only is it completely lighter-fluid-free (thanks, Captain Planet!), but it also comes with a USB charger, so the only 7/11 runs you ever have to make will be your regularly scheduled 4 a.m. nacho and Slurpee trips.
Still feeling a little tense? Nothing says laidback like the Blues Brothers, and the fact that this T-shirt has them join forces with Quentin Tarantino's Reservoir Dogs crew only adds to the chill factor. And to get you feeling extra refreshed, we're making T-shirts $6 off with free shipping. We don't know if a T-shirt in and of itself has stress-reducing properties, so try wearing it while going to a massage parlor for the added relaxation boost. Who knows, maybe it'll give you and your masseuse something to talk about before awkwardly asking if this is one of the "underwear optional" places.
Sure, Teddy Roosevelt never liked smoking to relax, but you can't deny that this man was the patron saint of being chill. Cool under pressure? Roosevelt once got shot during a campaign speech and brushed off the bullet like a duster in a Glock factory. Appreciation of the tranquil and serene? Roosevelt established the national park system, and almost became a goddamn fountain. Kindness and warmth? The stuffed animal you use to comfort yourself was literally named after him. If you don't feel more relaxed while wearing a T-shirt of Teddy Roosevelt, then there might be something medically wrong with you.
But didn't DOB say Teddy Roosevelt was a rampaging killing machine?
OK, so maybe Theodore Roosevelt wasn't so laidback. Maybe, in fact, he could have benefited from smoking a blunt or two. We can't know for sure. But we can tell you that if you like any of the items on this list, then click on their picture or the links for the Cracked Shop and Cracked Dispensary to get even more great stuff. Now breathe in. Now breathe out ...