âHello. Cool Ranch is delicious. We like chips. Hello again! We like chips. Did we tell you about chips? Hello there! Chips are tasty food. We like to put them in our mouths! Hello friend, Iâm calling on behalf of tasty chipsâ¦â These companies are wasting truly epic amounts of money, time and resources, just for the somewhat unlikely opportunity to fuck over our first Contact worse than Jodie Foster and her bullshit alien father. So, good lord, imagine if any jackass with a telephone could do the same thingâ¦ Well donât worry, you wonât have to do any strenuous imagining today - they totally did! A now defunct website named Talk To Aliens let anybody with four bucks a minute to spare route their cell phone calls through deep space transmitters. Thatâs a cost roughly equivalent to a phone sex line. So, for the same price as ear-fucking a Midwestern skank with shaky morals and a dead-end job, any dickhead could scream synonyms for "fart" and "balls" directly at highly advanced alien civilizations, and really let âem know just what weâre all about down here.
You fucking liar.Jim Buckmaster, chief executive of Craigslist.org, recently won an eBay auction to broadcast data into space. He is, obviously, choosing to broadcast some of his Craigslist ads. You know - the ones that have become notorious for demonstrating exactly how perverse, profane, trashy and sad humanity gets when you allow them to communicate anonymously? Yeah, weâll be telling the aliens all about that shit. Listen, Buckmaster, we all know theyâre going to find out about stuff like that eventually - the aforementioned Alien Handjob Flea Market would have its own category mere hours after first contact - but do we want to beam our worst aspects to them before we even formally meet? You donât greet new business contacts by slipping your dick into their outstretched palm when they go for the handshake, you donât break the ice when meeting your in-laws by showing them how far you can stretch your anus and you donât kick off a blind date by telling them your name, hobbies and which cartoons youâve masturbated to. Iâm just suggesting that same measure of restraint for this potentially Earth-changing event.
What? Donât judge me. I mean, Christ, if theyâre evaluating us by the most powerful, clearest messages weâve fired at them, the aliens are going to think weâre all a bunch of easily amused, mentally deranged, low-rent perverts who just really want a handie and have no further need for a NordicTrack. Actually...shit, that sounds about right, doesnât it? Well, nevermind then. I guess congratulations are in order: Way to distill humanity down to its purest essence: snack food, internet hookers and Ted Theodore Logan!
Read more from Robert at his own site, I Fight Robots, right after you've finished telling the aliens exactly what you do to naughty E.T.s, and how hard you would do it.
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