âJust put it in a little bit. See how it feels. Just the tipâ¦â Namely (assuming that the remake is anything like the original) the central message of this film is that our species is such an epic f**k-up, that the only motivation strong enough to force a change in our ways is having a hostile alien force descend from the heavens and burn our children until we learn to love each other (I guess in the new one the lesson is recycling or something? I havenât actually seen it because I just donât hate ten dollar bills that much.) So if weâre trying to establish contact, shouldnât we be beaming something a little more optimistic? Independence Day, Aliens, hell even Predator would be a better choice; at least we f*****g win in those! And thatâs because the primary theme all these movies have in common is the idea that, yes, you may be more advanced than us, aliens, but our plucky can-do attitude actually deflects laser beams, turns the hearts of heartless robots and charms photon torpedoes so completely that they will choose not to explode on impact, but rather to pen a series of rhyming couplets about how our everlasting beauty is like the morning fog. Whereas The Day The Earth Stood Still conveys the idea that, though our kindly human nature does ultimately convince the aliens against complete annihilation, the near-total genocide really teaches us a valuable lesson. Itâs like broadcasting an After School Special where the protagonist learns not to make fun of fat kidsâ¦ because a chubby girl eats their entire family in retaliation. Effective? Incredibly. Iâm just saying that maybe itâs not a method of teaching you want to actively advertise... when youâre the one getting eaten.
âHello. Cool Ranch is delicious. We like chips. Hello again! We like chips. Did we tell you about chips? Hello there! Chips are tasty food. We like to put them in our mouths! Hello friend, Iâm calling on behalf of tasty chipsâ¦â These companies are wasting truly epic amounts of money, time and resources, just for the somewhat unlikely opportunity to f**k over our first Contact worse than Jodie Foster and her bullshit alien father. So, good lord, imagine if any jackass with a telephone could do the same thingâ¦ Well donât worry, you wonât have to do any strenuous imagining today - they totally did! A now defunct website named Talk To Aliens let anybody with four bucks a minute to spare route their cell phone calls through deep space transmitters. Thatâs a cost roughly equivalent to a phone sex line. So, for the same price as ear-f*****g a Midwestern s***k with shaky morals and a dead-end job, any d******d could scream synonyms for "fart" and "balls" directly at highly advanced alien civilizations, and really let âem know just what weâre all about down here.
You f*****g liar.Jim Buckmaster, chief executive of Craigslist.org, recently won an eBay auction to broadcast data into space. He is, obviously, choosing to broadcast some of his Craigslist ads. You know - the ones that have become notorious for demonstrating exactly
What? Donât judge me. I mean, Christ, if theyâre evaluating us by the most powerful, clearest messages weâve fired at them, the aliens are going to think weâre all a bunch of easily amused, mentally deranged, low-rent perverts who just really want a handie and have no further need for a NordicTrack. Actually...s**t, that sounds about right, doesnât it? Well, nevermind then. I guess congratulations are in order: Way to distill humanity down to its purest essence: snack food, internet hookers and Ted Theodore Logan!
No, YOU'RE crying.