Ian's Unnecessary News Roundup

Okay folks, time to set aside such weighty matters as Tom Cruise's gun, Val Kilmer's gut, and the amazing vocal talents of Gladstone, and once again turn your attention to those matters least deserving of attention... the Unnecessary News! Asshole Adonis: Mustachioed macho-man Burt Reynolds told reporters recently that he hates looking at pictures from his 70s-sex-god days because they make him look like "an asshole." The Cannonball Run II star much prefers recent photos, which make him look like an asshole with a really shitty facelift. Nothing and Nobody: In accordance with my solemn vow of January 4th, nothing reportedly happened to no person this week, much to the shock of no one. Despite the fact that Starpulse is clearly baiting me, I steadfastly report that no half-unclothed person made any non-statement to any public employees regarding said lack of clothes or that non-existent person's attractiveness, nor wrote any suicide notes, nor purchased any reproductive diagnostic tests at any time. It just didn't happen! And finally, in the item voted "Most Likely to Earn Me a Death Threat": Papal Bull: Just in time to be ten years too late, Pope Benedict XVI has lashed out at the colossally successful Harry Potter franchise. The Supreme Pontiff (shown here in his "Bad Santa" costume) argued in the Vatican's newspaper L'Osservatore Romano that the popular books and films could lead children towards an "unhealthy" interest in Satanism, and away from healthier pursuits such as giving priests handjobs. Unnecessary, I tell you!