Given my recent campaign against serial abortionist/poorly-disguised Snake Monster Hannah Montana, I've been getting a whole lot of letters. Not just from Hannah's managers and lawyers and the FBI demanding that I stop harassing her, but from you, the Cracked readers and writers. Gladstone, for example, sent along this helpful article wherein Hannah is described as a juggernaut for her trampling of U2, the Super Bowl and the movie theater industry at large. In this article, sent by JoJo, Hannah Montana claims that she will not turn out to be the next Britney Spears but, suspiciously, she doesn't say anything about not turning out to be the next Pol Pot. Eric 616 sent along this uncomfortable article including scandalous photos that may or may not be of the 15 year old, totally-illegal-and-as-a-result-totally-hideous Hannah Montana, scantily clad and covered in some of that middle-school-dance-sweat we all remember. Also, someone sent a package to the Cracked House that just contained a lock of Cyrus's hair and what I think was one of her toenails. While I appreciate your dedication and resourcefulness, whoever you are, (let's face it: Swaim), I can't in good conscience condone this sort of behavior.
Finally, I received an article in an email from someone who wishes to remain anonymous. The article, a continuation on the "Miley Cyrus is Lonely and Reptilian" piece from last week's National Ledger, describes Cyrus's methods for finding a new boyfriend. Apparently, she cruises IMDB for likely candidates and will, presumably, pick whichever one she likes the most, utilize his services for reproduction, bite off his head and lay her eggs in his rotting carcass, (thanks, Animal Planet!). While I fully support the decision to look for a significant other over the internet, I've got to say, Hannah, you're on the wrong website. What kind of guys are you gonna find on IMDB? A bunch of whiny, pampered, delusional celebrities whose personalities have been completely destroyed by the Hollywood machine, that's what kind. Do you
really think you're gonna find a good guy on IMDB? Who? Burt Reynolds? Clint Howard? Walter Mathau? He's not even alive, Montana.
No, if you want to find a good man, you should look no further than Cracked-Mother-Fucking-dot-com. You want a guy who's funny, smart, articulate, and has a functioning internet connection: in short, the Cracked Blog Commenters.
Me? Oh, that's flattering, Hannah, you raging bitch, it truly is. I'd gladly throw my expensive hat in the ring, but, you see, you're fifteen years old, so all I see when I look at you is a ziplock bag full of cold animal fat in a t-shirt. Circumstances different, I'd be glad to swing by your mansion in my 97 Nissan Sentra, take you out for a night on the town filled with dining, dancing, and perhaps some light boning, but I'm just far too old and morally responsible to see you as anything other than a rotting pile of shit with an enormous mouth.
The Cracked Blog Commenters, however, I can not speak for, which means good news for you. Seriously. You want someone funny? Check out some of last week's Mabisms and see for yourself what some of the funniest minds on the internet can come up with:
"Hannah Montana dug up your grandpa’s corpse and took a shit on it." -Neil
"Hannah Montana’s unborn children, if laid end to end, should be able to circle the globe, but they do not because their mother’s scorn causes them to line up in an efficient double-helix configuration. This fetus-sized DNA is the blueprint for the anti-christ." -Glenn
"Hannah Montana made Dan O’Brien not feature one of my Hannah Montanisms this week." -Gladstone.True story.-D.O.B.
"Hannah Montana invented Hannah Montana." -mantelliThat's just fuckin' deep, right there.-D.O.B.
"hannah montana make everybody mock of you in high school" -siegGod help me, I love Sieg's accent.
"Hanna Montana is sending you a Cease & Desist letter." -Jester21Sent, received, and shredded.-D.O.B.
I'd really like to keep this going so, perhaps to shake things up a bit, instead of posting Mabisms in the comments below, post a few reasons why you, the Cracked Commenters, should be Hannah Montana's new boyfriend. If it is at all within my power, I will make sure these posts are brought to Hannah Montana's attention. So, Highlight some of your good qualities. I, for example, can cook, am adequate at racquetball, and probably won't blindfold you and drop you off in a forest on our second date.
How about you? One of us is going to be dating Hannah Montana by the end of the year. And then we'll be ready for Phase 2...