Hammacher Schlemmer Makes Dreams Come True: The Daily Nooner (EST)!

The Coolest Toy Around If you're like like me (or any of the other Cracked bloggers, for that matter), you have an absolutely ridiculous amount of disposable income. Figuring out new ways to get rid of all that excess cash can be stressful at times, but hey - that's why God created Hammacher Schlemmer1. For me, personally, it all started with the Flying Alarm Clock. I was like, "Whoa, sweet! The little propeller thing flies across the room and then the alarm won't turn off until you put it back on the base! What a great way to ensure that I get out of bed in the morning!" Then I picked up a Computerless E-Mail Printer and a Snowboarding Simulator, but for some reason I still felt empty. I couldn't figure out what was wrong; I was getting rid of all my money, and my apartment with filling up with useless garbage, but for some reason I still felt like something was missing. Then I stumbled across this video and realized what it was: I needed a Motorized Monocycle. True - it set me back $13,000. True - it bears a striking resemblance to that Segway parody from South Park. True - I look like a complete ass when I'm riding around on it, but you know what? Those are all small prices to pay for the happiness that owning a Motorized Monocycle brings me. Except the part about the $13,000, I guess. Now all I need is a Levitating Hover Scooter. You know - so I have something to tow the Motorized Monocycle with if it breaks down. Oh - and a $50,000 replica of the robot from Forbidden Planet. After that I'll be pretty much set. 1 Little known fact: God created Hammacher Schlemmer first thing in the morning on the eighth day.
To turn on reply notifications, click here

12 Comments

Load Comments

More Blogs

The 5 Weirdest Unanswered Questions Of The Marvel Universe

There are gaps in the fictional universe that multiply from one film to the next.

116

5 Annoying Things They Don't Tell You About Being A Parent

Most people have a pretty basic idea of what it's like to be a parent.

127

4 More Anticipated Movies That Are In Serious Trouble

Given everything we know, there's cause to be worried about these movies.

95

5 Reasons Gender-Flipped Remakes Never Work

Hollywood has taken the entirely wrong message from its box office receipts.

288

5 New (And Strangely Plausible) Conspiracy Theories

There's no shortage of downright absurd conspiracy theories out there.

162

5 Impressive Scams People Used To Get Out Of Work

Some days you just don't want to go to work.

78