Guitar Hero News You Had No Way of Possibly Predicting
Rarely does a Cracked blogger get to break a news story that's guaranteed to excite and enthrall the readership. Today, I have been blessed with the opportunity to drop the knowledge bomb that is destined to leave your synapses flame-scoured and quivering, and your brain-villages nothing but smoldering piles of memories of rubble. Activision, the visionary game studio that unleashed the rock with Guitar Hero III, have announced that the next installment of the game will have...wait for it...more instruments! It's the kind of genius development idea so clearly brilliant, you wonder how it hasn't been thought of before. But I guess it took the big, juicy brains at Activision to make that dream a reality. While they're still nailing down which instruments to implement—may I suggest recorder, tambourine and harmonica?---the smart money is that they'll end up using the four cardinal rock instruments: guitar, bass, drums, and vocals. Groundbreaking. I mean, think about it! Anyone who's ever picked up a bass knows it's identical to guitar in every way, so the hardware's already there! Throw in a mic and drum set, and you're ready to form some sort of Rock Band! But the brain train don't stop there (toot toot!); they've already got their future developments sewn up as well. Stop tying up the phone lines at the patent office, people, Activision has already purchased the rights to the titles “Guitar Villain” and “Drum Villain.” What's more, early Internet buzz describes Drum Villain as a game so evil, every sinister strike of the high-hat embezzles money from a third world aid organization, and each malevolent thud of the kick-drum rapes a nun. G-damn, am I into that. I've got to say, I am stoked about the fresh, fresh, fresh gameplay being offered here, and especially Activision's promise to include a lot more “local bands” in the line-up. Why the hell would I want to play a Radiohead or AC/DC song when I can rock out to The Hip Thrusters' latest garage-recorded powerhouse “Light this shit up?” Why, I ask?! I wouldn't is the answer. I would not. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm hard at work on a rhythm game I hope to sell to Activision as soon as I've worked out the bugs. It's called Boogie Boogie Uprising, and it's so fresh you'd think it was the Prince of Bel Air.
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael drowns in a thick layer of his own sarcasm as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!