I am, however, sorry that my shouting included so much adult language. While asserting my rights, I ended up losing one of my shoes in there, and it turns out to be super frustrating looking for a shoe in a ball pit.
I am sorry that I enlisted the children's help to find my shoe. A shoeless man interacting with children, regardless of his actual intent (to become shod), was never going to look good. Although I didn't do anything wrong, I regret the way this looked. I particularly regret repeatedly saying "balls" to the children, then winking.
I'm sorry I called you a fascist when you called the police on me. Fascism is a very specific ideology, which is too often confused with any from of authority, especially authority that the speaker disagrees with. Your actions were entirely reasonable within the framework of our free-market-based democratic society. I was mostly just mad because of the implications made by yourselves and standers-by that I might be some sort of child predator, and also because by that point I had lost my other shoe.
I'm sorry I fled from the scene before the police arrived. Not because of how this looked. There was just a lot of gravel in your parking lot, and shoelessly fleeing the scene really hurt.
Maybe it's time to get that shoulder paved? Just spitballing here.
I'm sorry I returned to your ball pit the next day in a custom-printed T-shirt with the words "I Am Not a Child Predator" written across the front in a fun font.
The guys at the T-shirt shop gave me a lot of shit about this. They might actually be fascists.
This shirt was meant to minimize any confusion about my intent. I can see now that society's irrational reaction to the claim that someone is not a child predator is to believe that he is a child predator. It seems unfair that I should be blamed for society's irrationality, and the further I get into this sentence, the more I'm thinking that maybe I want to retract this apology.
I'm doing it. I'm retracting that last apology.
I am, though, very sorry that I then took my shirt off. That did not, as intended, calm everyone down.
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It really only calmed everyone up.