Goblins Getting Down and Awesome Pagan Rituals: The (Halloween) Nooner!

Awesome Video Of The Day Jan Terri's Get Down Goblin On this most ghastly of holidays, I'm ghoulishly pleased to bring you the darkest, most macabre piece of music ever written. Darker than the Danse Macabre, darker than anything by Bauhaus, and possibly even darker than The Monster Mash. Fasten your seatbelts, ladies and gentlemen. I give you Jan Terri's Get Down Goblin. You probably haven't heard of Jan Terri. A pill-popping limo driver by trade, Jan pursued a music career on the side, recording music and singing backup vocals in a Chicago bar band. She didn't make much headway for a while, but then she got her big break: opening for Marilyn Manson in the late 1990s. That's about it. Maybe

JT Records never gave her the push she needed to really break through into the mainstream. Maybe the mainstream wasn't ready for her. Encouraging goblins to "get down"? That does really jibe well with Judeo-Christian values. I'm not going to suggest a right-wing conspiracy, but I can't think of another reason why this woman's career never took off. This video has it all: Dracula, The Wolfman, candelabras, back-up dancers, a pipe organ, and perhaps most importantly, a middle-aged woman who isn't afraid to "get down" on Halloween. That has to be worth something, doesn't it? DOESN'T IT?

This week on the Cracked Blog, we're looking at Halloween alternatives from around the world... and we're not doing so hot. China's entry sucks and the Isle of Man's got their kids carving up turnips. What's wrong with the rest of the world? Can't anyone top the USA's completely secular, completely commercialized Halloween? Things aren't looking good, but maybe someone's got a shot. Maybe.

Global Holiday Smackdown: HALLOWEEN Global Contender #3: The Festival of Samhain Samhain is pretty much completely off the chain. A traditional Celtic holiday (which falls on October 31st), Samhain marked the final harvest and slaughter before winter set in, which meant lots of gnarly animal sacrifices and throwing bones into fires and probably a moderate amount of chanting. Irish mythology tells of a battle that fell on Samhain. Before it happened, though, two Gods - Morrigan ("The Phantom Queen") and Dagda ("The Good God") - met up to bone, and then Morrigan protected Dagda's people to ensure their victory. Today, it's customary to set a place for the dead at your dinner table in some areas for Samhain. What's with the rest of the world honoring the deceased? Haven't they ever heard of fun size Snickers bars or Spider-Man costumes?

Cool Factor (out of 10): 7 Animal slaughters and copulating deities rule, but this whole giving-food-to-your-dead-ancestors thing is getting old.

Halloween

The Festival Of Samhain

Pros

Sweet costumes

Free candy

Awesome parties with tons of booze

Egging, TPing, et al.

Jack-o'-lanterns, bats, evil stuff

Animal slaughter

Weird throwing-bones-into-fires rituals

Glenn Danzig named a band after it

Powerful Gods boning each other is always cool

Ancient stuff is cooler than newer stuff

Cons

Children ring your doorbell all night

Again with this dead-relatives-coming-over-for-dinner crap

Winner: Samhain Combine ancient rituals, animal slaughter and a Glenn Danzig band and you've got a force to be reckoned with. Sure, you might have to set a place at the dinner table for your dead great-grandfather, but what are the chances he's gonna show up? This holiday is terrifying.