Five New Actors to Play Sherlock Holmes
As you may have heard, it was announced recently that Sacha Baron Cohen and Will Ferrell will star as Sherlock Holmes and Watson in Judd Apatow's zany Sherlock Holmes comedy due out later next year. Even more recently, it was announced that Robert Downey Jr. will be starring in a second, competing Sherlock Holmes set for a 2009 release. Guy Ritchie will be directing this Sherlock Holmes, so it should be fast-paced, gritty and completely unintelligible like most of Ritchie's movies, or totally shitty, like his other ones.
Since Hollywood is a jealous, insecure, impulsive bitch, five additional Sherlock Holmes movies were announced, cast and shot within 24 hours of the announcement of Ritchie's Holmes. Yep. Worrying that Apatow and Ritchie knew something that they didn't, (how could they possibly?) five of the industry's most talented directors slapped together their own Sherlock Holmeses and, because I love you, I went out and watched every single one of these movies and my reviews are included below.
Martin Scorsese's Sherlock Holmes
At least one Rolling Stones song, guaranteed.
Something is rotten in the NYPD, and it's up to convict-turned-cop Tommy Stinson, (DiCaprio) to clear his name before detective-turned-convict Mike Caruso, (Ray Liotta) either blows the case wide open or opens up a lucrative casino, run by corrupt police chief Sgt. Brugnola, (sometimes Nicholson, sometimes DeNiro). Not one of the characters is actually named Sherlock Holmes and it's unclear whether or not Scorsese even wants us to watch this movie.
Spike Lee's Sherlock, Homez!
Guillermo Del Toro's Sherlock Holmes and his Horrifying Gang of Mutants
Tim Burton's Sherlock Holmes
Surecock Holmes
There you have it, ladies and gentlemen. See you next year when Steven Spielberg, Oliver Stone, Ang Lee and McG decide to simultaneously put out shitty adaptations of The Snorks.
A bonus, unrelated-to-this-particular-article Note! Folks, the rumors you've heard are true: After a couple of really great decades, I'm leaving the East Coast. I hereby resign as the EC's unofficial Mayor and pass all of my mayoral duties on to this guy Joe I know, (you'll like him). So, next week, my brother and I will be driving across country and relocating to Los Angeles. Maybe it's because of the beaches. Or maybe it's because, once I found out Swaim was living there, I figured "Hell,