Exploring the Mysteries of the Mind with the Sims 3
Every scientist dreams of a world without ethics. Whenever a scientist sees a set of twins, he or she secretly wonders what would happen if you surgically swapped their faces. They already have a chamber set up to harness the power of their screams as they gradually realize what has happened. Every day, ethics barely prevent experiments like this from being carried out. But what if we didn't have these ethics? When Nazi doctors were let loose during WWII, the incredible rate of their discoveries were matched only by the inadequacy of words to atone for them. They might have been monsters, but without them, we never would have discovered the yield elasticity of the elderly, or learned what part of a prisoner's tongue detects the taste of angel meat. The Sims 3 is computer game based on these Nazi scientists that offers us a world of moral ambiguity, free to perform psychological experiments away from the leering eye of ethics. Which is exactly what I did. Here are the results of my findings. Creating the Patient The main focus of my experiment is a man known as Subject Beef. An artificial intelligence created for the purpose of playing video games, he'll find out that he's also a cog in the unfeeling machine of psychiatric progress. Some people might get squeamish at the idea of torturing an AI just to write down what happens, but look at it this way: Any day now Japan is going to fuck up and finally build the robot that can make decisions and run on blood. As it starts tearing into my human people, the least I can do is make that an act of vengeance. Without me and this experiment, all that robot murder is going to just be
Body: I made him as fat as possible so I wouldn't have to fit him with any kind of tracking collar. As long as I never turn my back to the smell of ham, he can never sneak up on me. Also, if the subject escapes, I can simply follow the trail of objects with bites taken out of them.
Accessories: In prison, a teardrop tattoo under your eye tells people that you've killed someone. Outside of prison, you say the same thing with clown makeup. Science has always wondered if it's clown makeup that causes a person to commit murder, or if it's murder that causes people to wear clown makeup. That's one of the things we're about to discover.
Personality: I went to six years of middle school, so I know proper scientific method requires a control group. I also know that knowing what this means is for fags, so I didn't include one. Instead, I gave my subject unpredictable personality traits like Insane, Hydrophobic and Can't Stand Art. This almost felt like cheating since it saved me the trouble of causing the subject to go crazy, so I evened the odds by giving him Genius and Computer Whiz. Now he has the tools to discover what he is and what I am doing to him. I got this idea from Star Trek where some asshole said the wrong thing in the hologram room and spent the rest of the episode fighting an evil super hologram.
The personality tools of The Sims 3 are very robust. I was able to select his favorite food as pancakes, and his favorite music as Kids. Finishing up, the game even gave me a list of Lifetime Wishes to select from, and one of them was, and I quote, "Creature-Robot Cross Breeder." I picked the hell out of that. The idea of fusing robots and animals together sounds comically impossible, but that's probably what some guy heard right before he invented anal beads.
Creating the Patient's Roommate
No doctor in the world would look at Subject Beef and say, "Sure, go ahead and stand near that." Unfortunately, his psych profile got mixed up with NBC's fall comedy lineup, and his landlord signed a--record scratch-- baby to the lease!
The baby was given only one personality trait: Brave. His favorite food is sushi and his favorite music is Latin. I knew it was only a matter of time before it was destroyed, so I wanted to name it after something I love. Since I never learned how to spell pizza, I decided to go with either slam dunks or Dolemite. I went with a combination of both, by naming him after a dunk by the Dolemite of basketball, Darryl "Chocolate Thunder" Dawkins.
There wasn't room to type in "The Chocolate Thunder Flying, Robinzine Crying, Teeth Shaking, Glass Breaking, Rump Roasting, Bun Toasting, Wham Bam I Am! Jam," so I settled on "Turbo Sexophonic Delight" or