Explaining 2009 to the Future
Dear The Future, It's me, Daniel. You might know me from all of the subversive, groundbreaking work that changes the face of entertainment that I will eventually do, or perhaps you're familiar with all of the generous charity work I imagine I'll get around to one of these days. And obviously, you recognize my face, as I'm sure it is featured prominently on all of your currency.
How is the future? Pretty nice I bet. If the predictions I've made are at all accurate, (and history assures me they are), then you've since moved to space when the Earth became completely unlivable as a result of the terrifying Gorgon invasion of 2011. My prophetic visions tell me that sure was one hell of a battle. Who would have thought the key to defeating them was as simple as sending me into battle armed with only my wits and a thorough index of all of their weaknesses? But I don't need to bore you with stories of my eventual amazing feats on the battlefield; I'm sure you reenact the events every year at various Danielmas festivals around space. You're probably preoccupied with intergalactic space wars and special victims crimes of the moon rape variety, so I'll try to make this letter as brief as possible. Since most of Earth's physical records needed to be sacrificed to placate the Ghost of Terror Jesus in 2013, you're no doubt wondering what life in 2009 was like. Well, I'll tell you. Right now.
You're all in space, drinking gamma rays and eating asteroid hot dogs, so your technology has already developed light years beyond ours, but 2009 was an important year for our pedestrian, caveman technology. While not developed in 2006, 2009 is when Twitter a) really took off and b) finally made some money. Twitter was an up-to-the-second news source that was operated entirely by the public and not the stodgy, ("experienced"), elitist, ("educated"), out of touch, ("unconcerned with Miley Cyrus") dinosaurs of Old Media. This was for and by the people. One quick look at Twitter's trending topics will tell you what's going on in the world as it happens. Want to find out what celebrity is dead? Check trending topics. [Note: Twitter more often than not inaccurately reports the death of celebrities, so take it all with a grain of retarded.] Twitter also gave anyone a possible audience of millions. [Note: Anyone eventually came to mean Ashton Kutcher.] Twitter gave a venue for every Average Joe to speak about what was on his mind, and Twitter assured its users that what they had to say was
You may look back on 2009 and think "Hey, that wasn't such a bad year. Why would they celebrate by murdering the bulk of their celebrities?" It's not quite as simple as that. You see, Nature has a way of righting itself when things start to go wrong. Bees pollinate plants, which keeps us alive. Praying Mantises keep the bee population in check, to make sure we're never overrun by uppity bees who think they're hot shit because they keep us alive. And I, in turn, kill Praying Mantises out of boredom or whatever. The world is full of stories of animals, people and plants adapting with changes. Nature adjusts and balances itself out when it senses danger. Now, in 2009, we had a weird habit of making celebrities out of
I'm not telling you anything surprising when I say "You don't have a president or any governing body whatsoever." That's our bad. Or, maybe not our bad, but certainly someone's bad, we just ended up saddled with the blame. See, in 2009, between unemployment reaching new and terrifying heights and the economy being, as economist Paul Krugman put it, "waist-deep in shit sandwiches," something needed to happen in America. Something big. Instead, nothing happened. It marked the first time in history that a US President quit when former President Barack Obama scrawled "Fuck it, it's too much" on the wall of the Oval Office and simply walked off. He couldn’t fix everything, so he decided to compromise by fixing nothing and leaving office in late 2009. Honestly, though, no one's mad at him. He certainly
Remember that? When the Giants won Super Bowl XLIV? That was awesome. It was close, and the Giants had a season that, by all logic, should have kept them out of the Super Bowl on a very technical level, (not winning enough games), but, man, the Giants still pulled it out and won. And then Manning made a speech and thanked me specifically. Brett Favre died. What a great game. Entertainment
2009 put forth little in the way of notable television. Good shows certainly existed during 2009, (Mad Men, Dexter, episodes of Deadwood I would watch on DVD sometimes), but successful and influential shows that
Sure is a whole lot of words to cram onto a shirt.
Daniel O'Brien is earning his pHD in Future Space Travel at the University of Yale. Vote for Agents of Cracked in the Streamy Awards and he will love you. Hard.