Evolution Update: Only 993 Years Left To Choose Teams!

October 29, 2007 Add Cracked to Google

Oliver Curry, an evolutionary theorist from the London School of Economics, predicts that by the year 3000 the human race will split into two separate species: a sexy, wicked-smart ruling class and a bunch of dumb-ass, goblin-like worker bees. Don't believe me? Check it out. It's all explained in the article. Oh wait, it's not? Hmm. Well, that could be the reporter's fault. Or maybe the problem is that this biological theory was developed by someone who works AT THE LONDON SCHOOL OF ECONOMICS! Call me old fashioned, but I like to get my evolutionary theories from biologists or, y'know, some kind of scientist. Nevertheless, based on my extensive research ---which consists of reading the article twice--- Curry's saying that, for some unexplained reason, people 993 years from now will be much hotter. Y'know, like Patrick Dempsey after the plastic surgery he allegedly didn't have.

And then after that hotness kicks in, "sexual selection" will do the rest. Gotcha. Beautiful people will only be having sex with beautiful people, thereby making more beautiful people. Meanwhile, dorks and fatties will be generating loser spawn capable only of scoring with other trolls and/or Oliver Curry. Yeah, that makes sense. You can't argue with it. It's science. Except it's wrong. You'd think an economist would realize how money works. Because I'm pretty sure there's at least one guy without movie star good looks who can bed just about anyone he wants. Hell, I'd even blow him if he could get my Windows Vista working right.