Everything I need to know I learned from He-Man

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Growing up, I always imagined that the shows I enjoyed watching simply had enormously detailed toy lines spring up from no-where after the show had become popular. "Look at that successful cartoon!" I imagined toy scientists saying to each other from behind a two-way mirror. "I bet if we sold toys depicting those easily-merchandisable figures, we could make a lot of money!" Of course that wasn't the case, and in fact it happened exactly the other way around: the toys preceded the cartoon. He-Man, Gi Joe, the Transformers. Cultural touchstones for a generation. The equivalent would be if the moon landing was staged in an effort to sell Tang. The gaining of this knowledge, and the cynicism that came with it is probably the greatest tragedy of my adolescence, even more so than the 12 years of puberty. Evidently this heroically shameless feat of advertising was pretty controversial at the time, and the grown-ups of the day expressed great concern that their children would grow up to be ravenous consumers of pop-culture garbage, which actually turned out to be pretty prescient. At the time, the producers of the cartoons threw a sop to these parents in the form of little morals or
"life lessons" which could be delivered at the end of each cartoon. Which is how an entire generation learned the truth about "bad touching" from a man wearing furry underpants. Turning lessons about not drinking poison and respecting your elders into something commercial is pretty horrible, and is probably why I'm so suspicious of old people to this day. Because this element of my childhood was so badly warped and mistreated, and on the advice of
my psychologist as a way to bring closure to this whole sordid situation, I've decided to take those cartoon life lessons, and turned them into something beautiful - internet comedy.
Life Lessons He-Man should have been teaching us all along. __ Today we saw what happened when Skeletor and his team of international terrorists attacked Teela's Christmas party. Because he was unprepared, He-Man was forced to engage in a deadly game of cat and mouse 40 stories in the air. And the whole time he has to fight without his most important weapon: his shoes. If someone as strong as He-Man needs shoes to protect his feet from Germans and shattered glass, then they must be pretty important. Remember to wear your shoes at all times, and never hand a stranger a gun unless you've previously unloaded it. __ You just saw what happened when Man-at-Arms was cornered in a prison bathroom by a group of sodomites. Even though he was hopelessly outnumbered, he fought back as hard as he could, even if it only made his attackers angrier and their eventual ministrations all the more vicious. Man-at-Arms did that because he knows that to passively give in to a prison-rape is to die a little on the inside. __ In today's story we saw Flalin realize that his 15 year marriage to Orelia was an empty sham, and that however much he might have cared for her in the past, she was now a terrible burden weighing him down. It can be hard to give up on a relationship that long, especially when you have such young children, but it's important to realize that you have a lot to offer to the world, and that if you don't look out for your best interests, no-one will. __ Adam sure was mad today when he turned on the radio and heard the latest popular song, where over a pulsing, syncopated backbeat Skeletor boasted of an incident where he had made love to Adam's sister before ejaculating in her hair. It's important to remember that when confronted by a dis track to keep your temper. Getting back at someone by releasing your own dis track or even by cutting off their Escalade and firing several rounds into it like Adam did today, will only make things worse. __ Orko sure thought it was his lucky day today, didn't he? Meeting a beautiful woman like Stephie doesn't happen to guys like him very often, much less a woman who wants to get physical so quickly. But one way that Orko wasn't very lucky was when he got Chlamydia. Becoming involved with a loose woman often feels like a good idea, but depending on the lighting things aren't always what they seem. If you ever have any doubts about a woman you've just met, ask a friend for their advice - or even their help. __ When Man-at-Arms snuck up and draped his testicles on Ram Man's forehead while he was sleeping, that was a pretty funny thing. Everyone laughed and laughed and laughed. They were falling down they were laughing so hard. But what wasn't so funny was later when Ram Man was alone in the bathroom, crying and punching the mirror. When he was growing up Ram Man's father told him he'd kill Ram Man if he grew up to be a homo, and now Ram Man didn't know what to think about anything. That's why it's important to be aware of your friends childhood psychoses before teabagging them. __ Orko learned a valuable lesson today when he was caught masturbating on the train. Even though the memories of a certain chesty ticket agent haunted his mind and loins, and even though there was no-one sitting in the same row as him, Orko still should have known better. Because even if the Sorceress didn't have powerful bird senses that could acutely hear those distinctive and repetitive noises, he surely would have been caught by anyone glancing up at the enormous reflection of him in the train's skylights. __ In today's story, Man-E-Faces got placed in a tricky situation when he found out his daughter was dating a Samoan drug dealer. By forbidding that she see the fellow any further he actually pushed her further away from him, and then got his house shot up a bit as well. He-Man came to the rescue today, but he might not be able to help if the same happens to you. Remember that most problems like this can be solved by simply discussing your concerns calmly and openly, or by staging a shooting to look like it was done by a rival gang. __ In today's story we saw young Trevor have to make a decision we all hope we'll never have to make for ourselves: turning your parents in for sedition. Trevor had been taught that it was important to obey your mother and father. But Trevor also loved his country very much, and in the end he knew he did the right thing. If you're concerned about your parents and the newsletter they're constantly working on, or the men with heavy facial hair who come and go at all hours of the night, or the stockpile of long guns growing in the basement, then know that you have the strength to do the right thing too. __ One of the hardest things everyone must do while growing up is putting down the family dog because it's gone rabid. It's easy to want to run away from this responsibility, as we saw Orko do today. But it's important to find the courage within yourself to face up to your responsiblity, and take out the trigger slack on what once was your best friend, as it will give you the strength of character to one day later in life be cold and distant towards women. And that's the greatest power of all.
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