Dumb Things White People Secretly Suspect About Other Races
"I'm pretty sure Mexicans enjoy things more than me," I admitted to the man, picking at a cowlick of fine white thread jutting from the seam of his black leather pseudo-sofa. You know the things I mean -- those stretched out chair/couches, like the limousine version of a recliner?
"Why do you think that?" The therapist replied. His pen scratched dryly across an unseen pad."Anything I'm doing -- I don't know, it just seems like if I look back, two feet to my left, there will be a Mexican over there enjoying it way more than me. Like, say I go to have a beer: There I am, blank, vacant, but kind of vaguely happy. I turn my head, and three stools down there's a Mexican guy, just loving the shit out of his beer. He looks like a beer commercial. I swear to God he exhales frost after every sip. He's enjoying that beverage so much it's just pornographic, you know? And the worst part -- do you want to hear the worst part?""Go ahead," the man frowned down at me as I continued plucking nervously at the stringy outcropping."It's not even a better beer than mine. It's a goddamn Coors or something.""Maybe you'd like Coors better.""Maybe I'd- no! Fuck Coors."You can buy Robert's book, Everything is Going to Kill Everybody: The Terrifyingly Real Ways the World Wants You Dead, or follow him on Twitter, Facebook, and Google+. Or you can buy his cutting-edge stand-up comedy DVD White People Be Bad At Everything, in stores now!
For more from Robert, check out 5 Bizarre Real Life Gangs That Put The Warriors to Shame and Why Crimes Would Never Get Solved at a TV Police Station.