DON'T. TAKE. METH.

By:

For future reference, if someone at a party ever offers you meth, the ONLY proper response is to scream "NO," hit them in the face with a lamp, start running, and never ever stop. Why? Because meth is the scariest fucking thing that’s ever been unleashed on mankind. And quite honestly, I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT IS. All I know about it is that the state of Montana put together one of the most effective ad campaigns I’ve ever seen to convince me to fear it. In honor of Halloween, and in order of the level of horror they impart, I proudly present the eight most Requiem for a Dream-like and a subtextual analysis of each. 8. "Friends"

Subtext: Taking meth destroys all sense of responsibility, and will dissolve all meaningful friendships you currently enjoy. Less Obvious, Positive Subtext: Taking meth makes you an extremely cautious, alert driver. Simple Addition that Would Make the Video Hilarious: If at the end the shot widened to reveal that the girl’s friends left her at a Shakey’s Pizza. 7. "Boyfriend"
Subtext: If you take meth, you will sleep with faceless middle-aged men at the behest of your enterprising boyfriend. Less Obvious, Positive Subtext: If you take meth, you’ll get laid. Simple Addition that Would Make the Video Hilarious: If instead of consoling his girlfriend with a stroke on the arm, the young man offered her the rest of a Diet Root Beer he’d been drinking.
More horror after the jump. 6. "Mother"
Subtext: If you take meth, you will hit your mother and then lie about it in voiceover. Less Obvious, Positive Subtext: If you take meth, you’ll dress in keen stonewash jeans, a swell vest, and have a trendy haircut. Simple Addition that Would Make the Video Hilarious: If the framed photographs at the beginning were pictures of greyhounds dressed in deerstalker caps and smoking pipes.
5. "Junkie Den"
Subtext: Smoking meth makes everyone around you turn into cruel pseudo-zombies. Less Obvious, Positive Subtext: Smoking meth makes you popular. Simple Addition that Would Make the Video Hilarious: If there were a dog in the background humping everything. 4. "Jumped"
Subtext: Smoking meth is worse than getting killed with a cinder block. Less Obvious, Positive Subtext: Taking meth will give you a retrospective clarity on par with the wisest sages of our time. Simple Addition that Would Make the Video Hilarious: If the bullies were played by the bully from Teen Wolf. 3. "Laundromat"
Subtext: Taking meth will make you a violent madman, able to knock a large man out with a single punch and frighten small children by simply screaming at them.
Less Obvious, Positive Subtext: Taking meth will make you TRAVEL THROUGH TIME. Simple Addition that Would Make the Video Hilarious: If instead of crying, the baby giggled uncontrollably when screamed at. 2. "Everything Else"
Subtext: DON’T SMOKE METH! DON’T FUCKING DO IT! AAAAAAGHHHH! Less Obvious, Positive Subtext: Today’s meth dealers are refreshingly honest. Simple Addition that Would Make the Video Hilarious: If the dealer went on to introduce the girl to her meth apartment, meth swimming pool, meth toaster, meth part time job at a Starbuck’s, and meth night classes at a City College. 1. "Bathtub"
Subtext: If you take meth, MONSTERS WILL ATTACK YOU IN YOUR BATHROOM. Less Obvious, Positive Subtext: Taking meth means you never have to shower again. Simple Addition that Would Make the Video Hilarious: If the person on the other end of the phone conversation were revealed to be a Southern Civil War General. In case your pants are still dry, here's a link to a Youtube gallery that has the rest of the ads. The first person who can explain to me why this Youtube user has collected all of the Montana Anti-Drug ads wins a free hit of meth.

Related: Don't Take 'Karen' Away From Us

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