Donald Trump's 4 Most Hilarious Attempts at a Good Idea
The media is great because it's like a big dumb robot that is programmed to be increasingly dumber for a greater period of time all day every day. It's conceivable that in another 10 years there will be some manner of CNN network that exclusively covers what people are saying online about CNN's other coverage and a FOX channel that only plays "Yakety Sax" over old-timey racist cartoons.
In keeping with the media's prerogative to expose glimmering turds at every stop and offer people nothing of value, Donald Trump has taken up more than his fair share of airtime lately as he attempted to expose Barack Obama as a snake-handling Lebanese prostitute who will sleep with your wife the moment your turn your head to see what food Joe Biden is tasting and then returning, saliva-laden, to your fridge. As expected, the backlash has been noticeable, and more than one humorist on Twitter has been observed making a quip about Trump's hair. For shame! Donald Trump is not all veiled racism and self-aggrandizing mockubation. How could he have gotten where he is in life with no good qualities? Without further ado, here are four reasons to love Donald Trump.
The prison system in America is in dire straits. Maybe even dire gays, we don't know. It's that bad. We sent out a team to get to the bottom of things, but their camels came back laden with nothing but undrank water and ennui. No number of reality shows on Spike TV about prisons can stem the tide, and according to the Department of Corrections, all of us are currently or will be incarcerated sometime before this article is over. It's madness.
Donald Trump, philanthropist, chiropodist, somnambulist, does not want to continue feeding the broken machine of our prison system. He sees that incarceration is not always the answer. After all, it costs almost $80 a day to keep someone in prison. With nearly 2.3 million people incarcerated in the U.S., that's around $63 billion a year. Do you know what you could buy with that kind of money? A really keen-looking sofa and all kinds of higher quality deli meats. You could really just forget you ever even knew what bologna was and live off of luxurious, thin-sliced sexopotamus.
Thick-cut gives you more of that endangered flavor, while thin-sliced gives you more of the sex.
In an effort to ease the burden on the prison system, back in 1992 Trump suggested that his friend Mike Tyson be exempt from going to prison for rape and instead just pay a few million dollars. Now, not every rapist should be allowed to do this, of course, and not just rich rapists, either. Really only Mike Tyson, and probably because of the value he adds to society by not being in prison. Especially early '90s Tyson, who gave out rapings the way most people give out business cards.
Even though no one important took Trump's suggestion seriously, which is both shocking and hard to believe, considering that this is the man who invented the Stranger (when you sit on your hand until it goes to sleep, then masturbate. Every time you do it, you technically owe Trump $10, but he was never able to find a reliable way to bill people. It happened in the '70s, look it up), Trump did demonstrate a concern for our growing prison populations. This is still an issue today, and Trump was not the first nor the last person to suggest alternative ideas to incarceration that would benefit society as a whole. Would it do anyone any good to put another black man in jail? And, more importantly, would it do anyone any good to put the man who, at the time, was the biggest boxer in the world and a cash cow for Trump's casinos in jail? Of course not.
In retrospect, maybe it would have been a bad move to allow Tyson to pay his way out of jail. Maybe he never would have gotten that face tattoo. Maybe he never would have done The Hangover. Maybe that ear thing wouldn't have transpired. But maybe if it had worked out, Tyson would have cured dysentery. We'll never know.
"Oh, I still woulda got the tattoo. As for the ear biting, are we talking about Holyfield, or people in general?"
Safe Sex Advocate
Irresponsible billionaires like Bill Gates and Richard Branson have so much unprotected sex with money groupies that the once-beautiful act of lovemaking is basically just a utilitarian process of pumping a gold-plated wiener sheath into a bleary-eyed co-ed while updating their stock portfolios and drinking precious unicorn schnapps from pure jade goblets. Unicorn schnapps pairs delightfully with sexopotamus sandwiches, incidentally.
Always check the bottle for horn to make sure you're not getting imitation unicorn (pony).
Trump, championing the cause of sexual responsibility, has publicly stated his need, in the past, to require women to take AIDS tests before getting serious with them. He even volunteers the use of his doctor, because Trump AIDS is nearly as undesirable as Hitler AIDS. Both cause terrible hair. Also death, so much death. Don't laugh, it's not funny. Segue into new jokes here.
Likely the most delightful part of this entire scenario is the timing and method of suggestion. Does the woman attempt to initiate a sexual encounter and then Trump has to put on the brakes and suggest that she get her oil checked first? Or does Donald have some kind of sixth sense, the Trump Humpdar, whereby he feels that a hump is on the horizon and casually suggests to his lady friend that she may need a swab before they take off their cummerbunds and hair pieces and get nasty? Or does he just give her the ol' ether-rag-in-the-box-of-chocolates trick, test her while she's out, then bang her until she's conscious?
"The old 'Central Park Valentine' never fails."
The flip side of this very responsible coin is the lady who has to know ahead of time that she is going to be having a Trump Hump (barring that ether scenario being true). This is a woman who must stretch the outer limits of plausible sexual premeditation by arranging an appointment with a doctor in anticipation of boning Donald Trump. It's like planning to eat a plate of dirty needles or something. Just weird.
According to Trump, 1991 was one of the worst times in the world to be dating, with all those AIDS out there, so likely he was making women take tests and then double-bagging it with half-inch PVC just to be on the safe side. It's what I do.
Donald Trump is a friend to the First Nations people, which is why they both engage in the traditional native art of casino management. Back in 1993, Trump was so concerned with native rights that he made a big deal of his fears that the mob might be taking over Indian casinos. As an aside, if a Native American opened a casino in India, making the world's first Indian Indian casino, the doors would only open one way, and when you entered you would stay young forever but lose all track of time. Science says so.
Trump told the House Native Affairs subcommittee that organized crime was all over Indian casinos like peyote stank on a hippie psych professor doing "field research" for a "book." I tried writing a book once, but Dolores, the lady in 2C, was all "Don't quit your day job," and that advice was useless as shit to me because I already had. I already had, Dolores, you shrew.
Anyway, lawmakers weren't inclined to believe Trump, but only because of the lack of evidence and not because of anything serious. You know how the po-po is, always trying to shirk their duties and play a round of flying disc golf. It's like Frisbee golf, but without all those licensing fees that the fat cats at Frisbee Co. charge. The CEO of Frisbee Co. has been known to use puppies to set hundred-dollar bills on fire to light his cigars, which he then immediately puts out on children with thinning hair.
Somehow all this is tax deductible.
In an effort to prove his position, Trump was quoted as saying that he's seen Indians in Indian casinos who "don't look like Indians," which probably should have summoned the ghost of Eliot Ness and maybe the Pinkertons, but instead only fell on the deaf ears of people who were convinced that the success of Indian casinos and the total lack of evidence of mob interference in them may have just angered up other casino moguls who wanted to eliminate their competition. But that sounds silly as shit. Very silly shit, like a turd with googly eyes and maybe a spinning bow tie. Oh my God, can you imagine? What a silly shit!
Take a moment to think about your life. You're on a comedy site, so you probably enjoy laughter, unless it's the acerbic laugh of a prostitute who refuses to refund your money after your third failure to launch. But what do you hate in life? You probably just said olives, which are as gross as kissing John Goodman's crack after he ran uphill, and debt. Debt is what happens when you have $5 and buy $10 worth of delicious ham and vodka and then you're drunk and salty but you owe shopkeeper Lucius $5 because he spotted you one and he expects that money soon or you've got a broken leg in your future or, at the very least, your wife has to give him a handy.
Debt is a dirty curse that affects many of us, and the country itself has more debt than you can shake a stick at. According to official sources, the current U.S. debt is everything. All the money ever is how far in debt we are, isn't that crazy? Sure is! If we fall off this fiscal cliff, everyone is talking about how we legally all have to trade in our houses for tents and take in a drifter.
"In the words of JFK, ask not what your country can do for you, ask if you can spare 20 bucks for your country ... We're good for it, I swear."
Trump, realizing that being in debt for all the money was a bad way to be and that we were all going to have to give handys to a lot of people around the world, came up with a plan to eliminate that debt that would leave all our cuticles relatively semen-free. The plan was to tax anyone with a net worth of more than $10 million a rate of 14.25 percent one time. Trump felt that this would pull in about $5.7 trillion (which is based on weird math, since the net worth of everyone in the U.S. valued at over $1 million is about $12 trillion, but whatever).
"Every rich person has secret money. We keep it in our butts."
Financial experts felt that this would cause anyone worth money to flee the country like wealthy rats from a sinking golden yacht, but Trump figured that the rich would barely suffer because they're rich and would still be able to buy all kinds of awesome mohair evening gowns and Italian leather condoms. And even though current-era Trump seems to hate the idea of taxing the rich and was opposed to Obama ending the Bush-era tax cuts, that's probably just a smokescreen so you don't realize how much he really wants to tax the ever-loving shit out of everyone.
Or it has something to do with latent racism, but that seems unlikely, because Donald Trump once said, "I have a great relationship with the blacks," and anyone who talks like that can't be lying. He probably eats soul food and watches Madea movies all the time. At the end of the day, though, what you need to take away from this is that Trump seriously once had a plan to eliminate the debt by sticking it to rich people. It was a good idea. You may even agree with it. And it was Trump's. So basically, by the transitive properties of comedy articles, you just made love to Trump and enjoyed it.
For more dumb moves by celebrities, check out The 7 Most Retarded Ways Celebrities Have Tried to Go Green and The 6 Most Misguided Causes Ever Made Famous by Celebrities.