Dan O'Brien Reviews Roseanne Barr's Blog
You can dress a pig up in flannel and give it a sitcom, but that does not make it a human.Pig theories notwithstanding, Roseanne has made some headlines for herself when she squealed "angelina jolie and her vacuous hubby brad pitt make about forty million dollars a year in violent psychopathic movies and give away three of it to starving children trying to look as if they give a crap about humanity as they spit out more dunces that will consume more than their fair share and wreck the earth even more" on her
On Jon Voight:
Roseanne: "jon voight is a frightened little girl in a pink ballet tutu, who acts like Obama just wandered in from the rain forest with a bone thru his nose and a communist pamphlet in his loincloth." DOB: ...Okay, without having any recent photographs of Jon Voight at the ready, I can't exactly refute your claims. I will concede that it's possible that jon voight is wearing a pink ballet tutu, though I still find that hard to believe. Also, I can see how you might be confused when you see Jon Voight "act like Obama just wandered in from the rain", and I think I might be able to help you out on this one. Did you see Transformers? In Transformers, he "acted" like the Secretary of Defense, even though he wasn't actually the Secretary of Defense, just like there weren't actually a bunch of enormous robot monsters battling each other. See? See how much we're learning, Roseanne? Let's keep going.
On Behaving Like a Human:Roseanne: "You are responsible for every bad thing that happens on this earth...has that ever occurred to you in the least, and if so, do you DO anything to help anyone at all, or speak out for anything at all, or just sit on your fat ass telling celebrities off all day?" DOB: On your mark. Get set. Avoid discussing the many valid points raised in the woman's email in favor of absurdly spectacular accusations! Aaand, we've got Roseanne by a
On Denver, Colorado:
Roseanne: "Denver has built concentration camps to hold protesters during the convention." DOB: No they didn't. No they didn't.
On Race, Religion and Poverty:
Roseanne: "They want to continue their racial holy war against the poor, it pays such great dividends these days." DOB: I've got a couple of issues here, so just bear with me a little while. Now, it seems like you're saying there's a war against all of the poor people in America. But...uh, 'Racial holy war against the poor'? Poor isn't a race, Roseanne... So..so I'm not totally sure how a war against the poor would be racist. I mean, if
Okay, no. Because, I mean, Roseanne, it seems like when you hear "poor," you immediately think of a very specific race. Which, I gotta say, isn't standard. Because when I think "poor," for example, the first thing that comes into my head isn't any one race. It's "pee pee." Because poor people very often smell like pee pee. Moving on, though, this issue is similar. How is this war a 'holy' war? "Poor" isn't a religion either. Is someone trying to convert the poor? To what? Also, who is waging this war against the poor? And how is it paying such 'great dividends?' Is there a lot of money to be had in racist holy wars against the defenseless and economically crippled? Roseanne, I don't think you're very bright at all.
On Pro Life:
Roseanne: "mccain is pro-life and that of course means pro-war! Pro-life means the worship of the holy sanctified fetus and the death of the unholy unsanctified fetus." DOB: That's not what Pro-Life means...It just isn't.
On Pro Choice?:
Roseanne: "I predicted it: Obama's vote to kill babies born alive after partial birth abortion is the thing republicans have up their sleeve. Michelle was the fund raiser that made it possible, and they have her on tape defending women's right to kill their babies who refuse to die from having their brains sucked out." " is on tape defending sucking the brains out of babies who live through late term abortions."
On Strange Bullshit:
Roseanne: "all is in the all and the all is in all. " DOB: That's like six kinds of crazy and there are only five unique words in that entire sentence.
On Things Culinary:
Roseanne: "tonight is turkey taco night" DOB: Bullshit, it's Friday, Roseanne. Friday is Steak Night. Why do you hate America so much?
On Things to Make Me Vomit:
Roseanne: "maureen "c-word" dowd she giggles to herself as she clutches and strokes her vibrator about how adept she is at slandering and destroying pro-feminist females who's clitorises still work right. " DOB: That's like, seriously, the grossest fucking thing you've ever done. I want to tell you a little something about how reading works. When I read a book, I get vivid images based on descriptions in the book in my head. Do...do you see where I'm going with this? So, when you say things like 'vibrator' and 'clitorises,' you get the reader's imagination going, you know? We start to
On Totally Shocking Celebrity News:
Roseanne: "i do not know brangelina and do not mean to personally impugn them as they might be good people in the flesh, but the media's images of them are smelly and vile." DOB: Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on. You don't know Brad and Angelina personally? Please, allow me to let this
(I am making fun of you.)
On The Media:
Roseanne: "I must always attack the media's representation of what is good or cool, because those who inhabit the media world of glamour and entertainment and fashion and gossip are horrid people who have no talent of any kind, and yet think of themselves as tastemakers. taste my sandy buttcrack, tmz, and perez!"
On Pissing Me Off With Spelling:
Roseanne: "I think elizabeth hasselberg is a f'r s're closet case that wants to get whipped by sherri shepherd in a black corset while old babs slaps a riding crop on both of their exposed butt-oxes." DOB: Let me just catch up here while I wade through the series of consonants you decided to jam into your first sentence...Is that 'for sure'? Is that what you're trying to say? Why would...That's... 'F'r s're' is the exact same amount of letters, I don't understand why you would do that. I hate you. I'm out.
Roseanne: "jesus said in these days: "they will swallow camels and strain at gnats". Whatever Jesus puts into my heart and tells me to be brave enough to say I will say."
There you have it. My final review on the blog? If you're one of those people who, when faced with a terribly complex problem, decides to come up with an overly simplistic yet shockingly misguided and uninformed solution, Roseanne's blog sounds right up your stupid fucking alley. If not, you can skip it and just go back to the way things used to be, (i.e., about a week ago when you either forgot Roseanne existed or assumed she'd politely and gracefully died of bacon-related complications years ago).
*UPDATE*: I made an account for and was subsequently banned from the Roseanne Barr forums. Neat!
Gladstone is pathetically insecure. Please acknowledge his existence on this fucking social networking site because he thinks having a bunch of friends on the internet means he's a good person in real life. (It does not.)