As Cracked has grown and expanded as a site, we've slowly become a more integral part of our readers lives. No longer merely a means to delay doing actual work by finding out which seven Presidents were the most skilled with edged weapons, Cracked has become the hub around which many of our readers base their lives.
Naturally, many of these readers have begun asking us for our advice on a variety of subject matters, perhaps convinced that our knowledge of enumerated subject matter makes us ideally suited to solve their problems. Which is a bit unfortunate. Given the manner in which most comedy writers live their lives, we are generally the last people who should be consulted for guidance on anything more complicated than how to base a meal on ketchup packets.
And indeed, for this reason, we haven't answered any of this mail to date, or more accurately, I haven't answered any of this mail to date.
Management decided that I was best suited for the chore of dispensing personal advice, based on the premise that I'm the only columnist who knows how shoes work. And these letters have sat unopened in my inbox, pinned down by the enormous lack of regard I hold for our readership, until yesterday, when fate conspired to make me forget I had a column due until really late in the day.
Q: How do I get girls to like me? – Chet223
Easy. Start writing for Cracked.
Q: How do I get girls to like me? – J. Perry
Are there going to be a lot of these? FML. -rests hands in face for 12 minutes-
Be more attractive. Handsomer, smarter, funnier, wealthier, Italian-ier; anything like that. Women love attractive men.
Q: How do I get girls to like me? – Barry H.
Holy dog anus, there are going to be a lot of these aren't there?
Honestly, this isn't that complicated fellas. Girls will like what they want to like, and can't be tricked or convinced into liking you. Look at yourself in the mirror. That's what girls see. Do you see a cool, handsome guy? No? Then why would anyone want to date you? Maybe do something until you become a cool, handsome guy.
Jesus. Enough of these. I'm going to sift through the mailbag until I find a question that isn't about how to get girls to like you.
-43 letters later.-
OK, here's one.
Q: How do shoes work? – M. Swaim
Shoes are sturdy artificial coverings meant to be worn over your feet. You can consider them to be a type of "foot hat" if that concept is easier to grasp. First invented by fucking cavemen
several thousand years ago, shoes are one of mankind's least remarkable achievements. Many cultures consider shoes a sign of success and prosperity, including this culture we live in, right here.
This is a workplace for crying out loud.
Q: How do I get girls to like me? – Shawn W.
What's going on here? What has given you people the impression that Cracked has some sort of special expertise on the subject of laying women? I will grant you that every Cracked writer and staffer is a sexual dynamo, with the exception of Dan O'Brien, who when queried, insisted he was a "Tyrannosaurus Sex." But outside of the Libertarian Dating section of our forum, we've never gone out of our way to position ourselves as a romantic venue.
Is there something else I'm missing? Is it something about 15- to 35-year-old male Internet comedy fans that makes them utterly hopeless around women? Yes I know it sounds obvious when you say it like that. Shut up.
Q: I'm a nice guy and always seem to become "just friends" with girls instead of something more. What am I doing wrong? - Ted
Well Ted, I'd suggest it's because you're not asking these girls out, or hitting on them, or doing anything even remotely sexual. If you act like a plant, don't look too surprised when you're doomed to a life of asexual reproduction. I hope you like fucking pine cones, Ted.
Please note that I have zero interest in having my knowledge of plant biology being corrected in the comments section.
Q: How do I get loser guys to stop liking me? - Carrie01
Finally! Although given our moral obligation to help out our loser male audience, this puts us in a bit of a ethical quandary. A classical "Kantian Fuck Forum Pickle."
I suppose you could just simply make yourself look less attractive. But that would make you less desirable to good looking men, which is a side effect I suspect you're not after. Your best bet then would be to avoid locales where losers are likely to frequent. The Internet mainly. But also be wary of book stores, Subway restaurants and Florida.