Around the Cracked offices, we have an annual tradition every New Year where all the staff gather around and publicly make promises as to how they'll be better comedy citizens in the coming year.
"I'm going to get really good at baking, and bring treats to all the Cracked meetings" says Brockway. We clap lightly. It's very generous of him.
"No more suicide pacts," says Swaim, again.
"I'm going to bench 8,000 kilograms" says DOB, winking at me to indicate he was using metric units for my benefit. Or because he likes me. I cross my legs.
"Waitresses," says Wolinsky, adding no verbs, modifiers or physical gestures to indicate what he will or won't be doing with the waitresses. We fill in the blanks quietly to ourselves.
According to a Wikipedia entry which has probably been deleted by now, New Year's resolutions were first invented in 1979 by Tony Danza on the set of Taxi 
. They're also famous for how rarely they're followed through on, with most people abandoning them within a matter of months. Gyms always report massive surges in new members joining in January of each year, as legions of well meaning and doughy individuals set out to lose all the turkey weight they've accumulated. And those same memberships almost always fall idle in February, the whole country slowly gaining back that weight in Chicken McNuggets.
But let's say you really want to follow through on your resolution this year. Whether it's due to excess levels of motivation, or a really glaring personal shortcoming that can no longer be ignored, this is finally going to be the year you finally stop shitting in the sink. Here then is some advice for you, which I've compiled from my observations of past years resolutions around the office.
Resolution: Spend more time with friend/family member/significant other.
Why: I dunno. Are you dying? You say you love them? Heh.
Sure fire way to succeed: Develop a shared hobby or passion. Or just handcuff yourself to them while they're sleeping for some hilarious buddy-cop comedy hijinx. If that's too out there for you, also consider the more discrete route of matching nipple piercings connected by a medium gauge chain.
Resolution: Lose weight
Why: To improve your self image, physical fitness and reduce wear and tear on your car's suspension.
Sure fire way to succeed: If I was a doctor - and there's several reasons I'm not - I'd recommend eating right and working out if you're interested in losing weight. But speaking in my non-licensed opinion I'd also suggest you look into amputations or horse-enemas.
Resolution: Quit drinking
Why: It's tearing your family apart, jeopardizing your health, and causing inadvertant internet video sensations.
Sure fire way to succeed: Remove yourself from friends and situations where you would normally drink. Befriend some Mormans, or young children. Alternately, get pregnant.
Resolution: Learn a new hobby
Why: So so much free time. Also no-one wants to hang out with you for long.
Sure fire way to succeed: Join a club. Finding like minded people with similar interests is a great way to keep your interest in a hobby from waning, so if you want to learn how to, say, swap wives with strange men in a dimly lit room, just ask some questions in the right internet forums.