Cracked.com has solved the bailout!
Yesterday afternoon in a surprise decision, Congress voted to reject the bailout intended to save Wall Street. Despite stern warnings about the possibilities of massive economic disruptions, members from both political parties couldn't bring themselves to support a plan that effectively ships a big crateload of money to Wall Street banker types, because seriously, fuck those guys. Although this attitude is understandable (seriously, fuck them) it reflects a misunderstanding of just why we have banks in the first place. What is it that banks do you ask? Cocaine parties, sure, but what else? As it turns out, the primary function of the banking system isn't to afford young men the opportunity to impress shallow women with their Ferraris. Somewhat boringly, the point of banks is to move money around to where it can do the most good. An example: You run a really promising young company that's managed to get a toehold in the market for, let's say, anatomically correct dolls. But to expand your business and build more doll factories you'll need money. That's where banks come in. They can either lend you that money directly, or go to all the rich people they know and get them to give you money. Naturally the banks take all sorts of fees off the top of these transactions, which get funneled almost entirely into their noses, but so long as you can start making more unsettlingly realistic dolls, who cares? But what happens when banks stop lending money to people (that's this credit crunch you've heard so much about) or if they go out of business entirely? Then you can't expand your business, and you're the poorer for it. And the same goes for your employees who work so hard stitching together genitals. And again with your suppliers of flesh colored felt. And all those people themselves will now start spending less money on groceries, trips to the waterpark, and gas turbines. Which affects everyone in those industries. That's why bank failures are such nasty business. It affects us non-dickish folk as much as it affects the dicks. The explanation of how we got into this mess is long, and honestly not that funny. You can read a good general primer on it