‘I don’t understand why the people that play a lottery aren’t more afraid of lightning. Like if you believe in those odds, shouldn’t you? ‘Hey, I’ve got 20 bucks on the Pick 5. Is that a storm? Oh, shit!’’
It was only so long that we here at Cracked could keep ignoring the growing phenomena surrounding the Jonas Brothers. Even though our audience is primarily composed of 18-35 year old carpet installers, the Jonas Brothers have become so omnipresent over the past year or so that even our readership has become dimly aware of them. The problem is, most interviews with the brothers thus far have stayed within the predictable lines of teen magazine journalism, e.g, "What's your favorite color?"; "Do you like dancing?" and "Will you have sex with me?" Because Cracked readers already know who wants to have sex with them (no one) these interviews end up feeling pretty hollow. To correct that, and to try to get to know the brothers behind the Brothers, all the columnists got together and brainstormed up a hard hitting, iron-fisted, dragon punching, unbreakable combo of questions to ask the trio. What follows is a transcript of our interview.
Bucholz: Hi, is this Gail? It's Chris from Cracked.
Gail, the Jonas Brothers publicist: Hi Chris. I'm here with the boys.
Bucholz: Great. I'm here with our whole team. We've been staring at a picture of Barbara Walters for like 20 minutes straight now, and are just super psyched up in interview mode. Raring to go.
Gail: That's great. Can we get started? We've got eight more of these to get through today.
Bucholz: Yes. Absolutely. OK. I'll kick things off here. Do you guys like movies?
Nick: Yeah. They're pretty good.
Joe: Heh, OK. Sure. I like movies.
-scribbling madly- Awesome, awesome stuff. Next question: Aren't parents lame?
Nick: Sometimes, sure. But you know, they're just looking out for us.
Bucholz: I agree with you 100 percent. Wow. This is going really well. OK. Dan, you had something?
DOB: This one's for Kevin. Will you have sex with me?
Gail: Don't answer that.
DOB: I'm sorry, that was impolite. Will any of you have sex with me?
Gail: Chris, before this interview, what did I specifically request you guys not to ask about?
Bucholz: Dan, you're not even gay.
DOB: -whispering- But they don't know that. I'm going undercover here jackass, to get the real dirt.
Bucholz: I'm sorry, Gail. This was totally my fault. I'll move the phone a little further away from him.
DOB: -shouting- What about just some heavy petting?
Bucholz: Did you hear that?
Gail: Yes we did.
Bucholz: And you're not going to answer it?
Gail: No we are not.
Bucholz: Because the prospect of having Dan getting nasty all over you,
without having sex, wasn't on the list of things we weren't supposed to ask.
Gail: Can we move on?
Bucholz: I tried buddy. -makes note- OK. Let's try a different tack. What do you guys do in your spare time?
Nick: The usual stuff, you know. Play sports. Play video games. Talk to friends online.
Bucholz: That's amazing. Just like regular people. OK, Swaim, you got one?
Swaim: What's your favorite color...
Swaim: ...of prostitute? Mine's gray.
Bucholz: I'm sorry Gail. We're getting the paint in here tested for lead really soon, I promise. Let me rephrase that; what kind of girls do you guys like to date?
Joe: I like shy girls.
Nick: I like creative girls. Artistic ones. Musicians.
Kevin: I like ones that look like me.
-sighs- I like sporty girls.
Bucholz: Fascinating. Gladstone, you had something?
Gladstone: Indeed. Would you guys like to see my collection of edged weapons?
Joe: -impossibly long pause- Like knives? No, not really.
Gladstone: Obviously knives! But lots else too. Swords, glaives, halbreds.
Nick: Yeah, uh, no thanks.
Kevin: Actually I kind of would like to see them.
Gladstone: Yeah? Great, just add me on Facebook and I'll put you on the list.
Bucholz: -hand over face- New guy? You down with what we're doing here?
Brockway: I can do this. Put me in coach.
Bucholz: Go ahead.
Brockway: Hi guys. I'm just a super, super fan.
Brockway: Anyways, what I wanted to say is: Your haircuts are appalling. Some have said -checks notes- that you look the love children of Bob Dylan and a low quality carpet. But I think it's more that your heads look like a cross between an armpit and a young David Bowie. So my question is, how many times have you had sex with Mick Jagger?
Kevin: Zero times.
Joe: Nope, me neither.
Gail: Just the once.
Bucholz: OK, I've got some questions about curfews here, and it looks like Dan's really excited about something. Something in his pants I think. He's stopped speaking to me for some reason, but he's been taking miming classes lately, and it's... well, it's not really paying off for him. Anyways. How we doing for time here?
Gail: Well, I thought we had 10 more minutes here, but it turns out that we don't. So I'm afraid I'm going to have to cut you off.
Bucholz: That is not unexpected. Well, thank you Jonas Brothers for your time. Good luck with that little music thing, and seriously, don't let anyone pressure you into getting physical. But seriously, you could do a lot worse than Dan.
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To all the stuffy, awful dudes of the Victorian era, bikes were less a means of transportation and more a proto vibrator that would render women so horny they had no choice but to emancipate themselves