What happens when two Cracked bloggers--one irrepressibly chipper and optimistic, the other a bitter, hollow, withered husk of a man (that one's Ross)--are locked into a chat session without anything to sustain them but the ten worst commercials to air during Super Bowl XLII? Read on, and you just may find the answer.
BUD LIGHT—FLIGHT
Ross Wolinsky: The message here seems to be "black people can't fly."
Michael Swaim: You’ve got it all wrong. They can fly, but the white man keeps them "down," both in the figurative and, here, literal sense. It's a symbolic call to revolution that I think is long overdue.
Ross Wolinsky:
Are you implying that it was a white man flying the plane that almost killed him?
Michael Swaim: The plane itself was white, and I think that says something.
Ross Wolinsky: I'll concede one thing: the guy looks great in that suit.
Michael Swaim: On a positive note, with Hancock coming out, I think we're finally reaching a place where society is ready to talk about flying black people. It's about damn time if you ask me.
Ross Wolinsky: You’re just overcompensating to not seem racist.
Michael Swaim: Look, talk all you want, but when you're the first one snatched by the Airborne Brotherhood of Namibia, don't come crying to me.
DORITOS—KINA GRANNIS
Ross Wolinsky: I don’t even know what this is. Do they want me to buy a Kina Grannis mp3 or a bag of Doritos?
Michael Swaim: BOTH! And how can you not like this?! AMERICA CHOSE IT! It's the definition of Democracy. Are you against Democracy, Ross?
Ross Wolinsky:
Here's the thing: I LOVE the song (bought it WAY before the Super Bowl), I LOVE Democracy, and I REALLY LOVE Doritos. Too much of a good thing?
Michael Swaim: Only if you try and exercise all three at once. Nothing kills my voting buzz like going into the booth and finding nacho cheese powder everywhere.
Michael Swaim: Hey, have you noticed that "Kina Grannis" sounds an awful lot like "kinda badass?"
Ross Wolinsky: If I bought every product that SOUNDED like something cool, I'd have WAY too many products, Swaim. C'mon - you know this commercial sucks.
Michael Swaim: What I know is between me and my heart.
Ross Wolinsky: Liar.
TOYOTA—MORE REFINED
Ross Wolinsky: This just feels cheap to me. I know Super Bowl commercials are supposed to be wacky and random, but c'mon - it's a car commercial with some badgers in it. Big deal.
Michael Swaim:
I think you're missing a very important aspect. This is a car commercial with CANNONS in it. Cannons fired by BUTLERS. Have you priced cannons lately? I have, and let me tell you it's not a buyers market.
Ross Wolinsky: Just because it was expensive doesn't make it good. Waterworld was expensive, too. Okay, bad example - Waterworld rules.
Ross Wolinsky: I think they're relying on the fact that the word "badger" sounds funny.
Michael Swaim:
HAHAHA!
Ross Wolinsky: Badger.
Michael Swaim: HAHAHA! Stop it!
Ross Wolinsky: Badger.
Michael Swaim: SERIOUSLY! I CAN'T BREATHE! Oh, man, I'm totally going to go buy a Lexus.
Ross Wolinsky: It's a Toyota commercial.
Michael Swaim: I don't even fucking care anymore. All I know is I'm delirious with laughter. Clearly, this commercial succeeded. Lexus dealership here I come!
UNILEVER—SUNSILK: MAKE LIFE HAPPEN
Michael Swaim: The message here is clear, and it's one I fully endorse: the most important aspect of a woman's personality is her hair. Sunsilk is like respect in a bottle, ladies.
Ross Wolinsky: That's a message I can get behind, actually. Hair is serious business.
Ross Wolinsky: The music in this commercial really sucks though.
Michael Swaim: I can't believe anyone could dislike a commercial where at one point there are nine Shakiras in frame.
Michael Swaim: If the music bothers you that much, mute the TV, download some Kina Grannis, munch some Doritos and enjoy.
Ross Wolinsky: I'm more of a Dove guy, personally, but whatever.
Michael Swaim: Well, we've all seen YOUR hair.
Ross Wolinsky: You ever try those bars of soap they make that are 1/4 lotion?
Michael Swaim: I'm using one right now.
Ross Wolinsky:
How do they do that?
Michael Swaim: I don't know. All I know is my ass has never been smoother.
UNDER ARMOUR—THE FUTURE IS OURS
Ross Wolinsky: In a not-so-distant future, a terrifyingly fit (and loud) black man will rise to power and rule the world. How will he do it? By using some sort of ambiguous sports product called Under Armour.
Ross Wolinsky:
Oh wait - they're shoes. I get it.
Michael Swaim: I want to know more about this "Them" they mention. Do they have chemical weapons? Are they religious fundamentalists? I'm frightened. Please, Mr. Underarmor, do whatever you think is necessary to protect us. I'll sign anything.
Ross Wolinsky: If someone made a dystopian movie about the world being run by professional athletes, I would pay upwards of $3 to go see it.
Michael Swaim: Little do you know, this commercial you claim to hate is actually a brilliantly subtle ad campaign for the upcoming Ving Rhames vehicle "UnderArmour: Us vs. Them." Michael Mann is slated to direct.
Michael Swaim:
They fight by seeing who can pull tires the farthest.
Michael Swaim: Ving wins.
Ross Wolinsky: It will be the greatest product tie-in film since The Wizard. If people love the shoes, they're gonna love the movie.
Michael Swaim: And if they love the movie, they're gonna love the commemorative plate series.
Michael Swaim: I already pre-ordered the one with Michael Vick as Secretary General of the Federation of Us. Ironically, his undersecretary is a genetically engineered Irish Setter.
Ross Wolinsky: I'll buy the shoes, the plates, and I'll go see the movie, but I still fucking hate this commercial.
Michael Swaim: Needless to say, they disagree on some policies.
Ross Wolinsky: MOVING ON.
But to where, my worthy adversary? Check out Ross's Daily Nooner for Page 2.
When not collaboratively blogging for Cracked, Michael makes stream-of-consciousness videos as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!
