The 10 Lamest Super Bowl XLII Ads (Part 2)
Swaim: Thriller references never go out of style. Didn’t you see that YouTube video of those prisoners? Come to think of it, this commercial would have been better with a bunch of dancing CG Malaysian prisoners.
Wolinsky: Malaysian prisoners are inherently more entertaining than CG lizards. Don’t they teach that in advertising school?
Swaim: I think the implication here is that drinking Life Water can actually raise the dead.
Wolinsky: Bullshit. This was clearly the product of a cocaine-fueled brainstorming session. By 6:30 a.m. all they had on the whiteboard was “PEOPLE LIKE: 1.) Chicks 2.) CG Lizards 3.) Zombies.” They might be right, but this is still a conceptual nightmare.
Wolinsky: Also, why isn’t the CHICK a zombie?
Swaim: The lizard would have to bite her for that to happen, and lizard zombies are only attracted to lizard brains. I’m expecting some fanfic on this.
Wolinsky: Yeah, well, there’s no shortage of fan fiction… for THINGS THAT SUCK.
Swaim: To my knowledge, this is the first ever superbowl ad to go meta. If you won’t get behind something as fresh and groundbreaking as that, at least get behind the promise of pornography at the end.
Wolinsky: I can get behind the promise of internet pornography, but I’m more into dated pop culture references to “wardrobe malfunctions.”
Swaim: Sigh. Just watched the linked video at GoDaddy.com. No porn. But I DID find wider exposure and a great webspace at rock bottom pricing!
Wolinsky: Classic bait-and-switch. They reel you in with the porn, then they sell you a great hosting package.
Swaim: This is so exciting that I’m going to huddle around the computer with eight or nine of my closest friends, faces nearly touching, to read about it.
Wolinsky: Will it be an ethnically-diverse group of both males AND females? Oh, wait - these people are all white.
Swaim: Yeah, but at least they’ve got the lesbian demographic going. One step at a time, Ross. Next you’ll be wanting black people to fly.
Wolinsky: Let’s not get carried away.
Wolinsky: “If you like tastefully animated line drawings, you’ll love one of the biggest SUVs available on the consumer market.”
Swaim: Sisyphus got to the top of the hill! This commercial just blew my entire 5th grade presentation on Greek Mythology out of the water.
Wolinsky: I think it would have been better if it started like that, then the dude who animated it gets into his Geo Metro, gets into an accident with a Yukon, and his car explodes.
Swaim: And then the hugest SUV you’ve ever seen leaps through the explosion and blots out the sun.
Wolinsky: It opens with a shot of Pegasus soaring majestically through the sky… then the Yukon launches off a ramp, kills him, and shoots fire out of the exhaust pipe to scorch the corpse.
Swaim: I think the hidden implication is that GM is going to start paying men to set boulders on precarious ledges. You’re going to want to be in the biggest vehicle you can find when those babies start rolling.
Wolinsky: We should probably call the cops. That HAS to be illegal.
Swaim: GM owns the cops. GM is “Them.” Our only hope is putting underarmor on our cars.
Wolinsky: I guess we should call Ving Rhames, then.
Swaim: Dialing…
Swaim: He says not to call again.
Swaim: This one’s easy to hate. You’ve got the obvious racism, and that’s tough to surmount. But in the end this is really the tragic profile of a couple unable to concieve, and their struggles to ignore that fact.
Wolinsky: I don’t actually have a problem with the racism. They’re saying the Chinese have a strong work ethic! I’m all for that, but my problem with this commercial is with the product itself. Do people really buy “sales leads”? Is that a thing?
Swaim: If you owned and operated a bamboo furniture outlet, you’d already know the answer to that.
Wolinsky: So you call up SalesGenie.com and say what? “I need some sales leads - do you know anyone that needs to buy a couch?”
Swaim: Yeah, and if you’re lucky they say “Dude, I think I know a guy. Hold on.” It’s like Craigslist, but without the reliability.
Swaim: I’m for this one solely on the grounds that it’s the perfect venue for a talent like Carlos Mencia’s. His comedy works wonders in the under sixty-second format.
Wolinsky: It’s too bad Dane Cook is white. He could have really raised the bar here.
Swaim: DANE COOK IS WHITE?!
Wolinsky: I don’t actually know who he is. I’ve just heard his name around.
Swaim: He puts out so much energy, I assumed he was one of the feistier races.
Wolinsky: What’s the deal with Sherpa legs anyway? Are they awesome?
Swaim: Have you ever seen a Sherpa leap vertically? It’s like a rocket lifting off.
Wolinsky: We don’t have very many Sherpas in Chicago, but you know what we do have? Bud Light. Lots of it.
Swaim: Then, as this commecial has proven, you are constantly swarmed by foxy women who want to lick it off of your ethnic body.
Wolinsky: That’s what I love about this country. Hot women, shitty beer and NO SHERPAS.
February 4th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
i have nothing to say, i’m just refusing to let anyone say “FIRST!”
it’s for the good of the nation.
February 4th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
I’ll admit it: Michael Jackson looked hot in that first commercial.
February 4th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
Also, as president of the Anti-Anti-Sherpa league, I’m informing you that our lawyers will be calling you in the morning.
February 4th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
I would be afraid to see what goes on inside of the cracked staff’s minds, and I don’t scare easily.
February 4th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
As bad as those commercials were, I’d feel remiss if I did not point that, despite these commercials, we did get to see a stock trading baby throw up on himself. I felt personally moved by that commercial, particularly because I was doing the exact same thing at the time. Woah.
February 4th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
What about the shocking lack of Peyton Manning ads?
February 4th, 2008 at 5:31 pm
Yes, the general public addresses my feelings about Bud Light being shit! My hat goes off to you, Wolsky.
February 4th, 2008 at 5:31 pm
“What about the shocking lack of Peyton Manning ads?”
He was in the Gatorade G2 one with the neighborhood turning into a baseball field.
February 4th, 2008 at 5:33 pm
Sisyphus always got to the top of the hill. The problem was the rock rolled back down again,
every time and he had to push it back up, for all eternity.
Had I been Sisyphus I would have just told them to fuck off. I’d be all like “I’m not rolling that rock up that hill one more fucking time. What are you gonna do kill me send me to Hades and make me roll a rock up a hill forever, Fuck you!”. “What? It’s this or be chained to a cliff and have my innards ate out by buzzards every day, for all eternity? Huh, well….
hmm…I’ll just roll this rock up this hill then, thanks anyway”.
February 4th, 2008 at 5:38 pm
All in all i think this commercial would have more liked than any of those
http://youtube.com/watch?v=qRuNxHqwazs
Watch it its classic
February 4th, 2008 at 7:32 pm
Yeah, well, there’s no shortage of fan fiction… for THINGS THAT SUCK. - Ross Wolinsky
Classic…
February 4th, 2008 at 10:01 pm
I can’t believe you don’t get the General Motors ad.
The man pushing the boulder up the hill is a METAPHOR for how HARD it is to be the worlds largest car company.
Everyday is a struggle for those guys. You don’t understand how difficult it is to manufacture cars which DON’T destroy the world.
Some of their company CEOs have to sacrifice gazibos people. GIANT FREAKING GAZIBOS.
February 5th, 2008 at 12:03 am
It says right on the video that those are Filipino, not Malaysian prisoners
February 5th, 2008 at 12:28 am
bod light
February 5th, 2008 at 12:58 am
I kinda like the Orwellian future one… but, then again, I love fascism so that could be throwing me off.
February 5th, 2008 at 1:10 am
Way to ape SA’s Fashion Police segments.
February 5th, 2008 at 2:40 am
Way to ape every thinks-he’s-clever-because-he-pointed-out-the-obvious commenter. I especially enjoy the people pointing out our lack of research in this transcript of a chat we had on AIM.
Michael has clearly decided to become combatant.
February 5th, 2008 at 3:15 am
WWWWWHHHHHOOOOOOOOO! A collective shiver just went through the world of Cracked Commentors.
February 5th, 2008 at 5:05 am
I think you’ve mistaken Filipinos for Malaysians. That’s like mistaking an American for a Frenchie.
February 5th, 2008 at 5:06 am
Sorry, Malaysians for Filipinos.
England language not my number 1 language.
February 5th, 2008 at 5:22 am
Ross, Michael, those were some seriously shitty ads. But I laughed my arse off at you double blogging. I know you guys are used to going at it solo but after reading this article I highly recommend you have twosomes more often. Having a partner rocks and you will create many memorable moments together
February 5th, 2008 at 5:32 am
Why invite Gladstone over next time and you guys can have a threesome.
February 5th, 2008 at 5:34 am
I mean…
Why not, invite Gladstone next time and you guys can have a thressome.
February 5th, 2008 at 6:27 am
Nah, I didn’t mean anything crude by my comment. I just thougtht that they bounced off each other really well. I would love to see them come together more often.
February 5th, 2008 at 6:52 am
Sorry, this is coming out all wrong. I meant nothing bad in my last comment either. Its just that Michael is the funniest fuck I know and Ross brings people to their knees with the stuff that comes from his mouth. Together these guys make magic. I hope you both embrace further blogging experimentation and look forward to the photos … err, articles.
February 5th, 2008 at 12:41 pm
Sweet Cheesus, Hailslaanesh. The last thing I want to do is picture Swaim and Wolinsky “in action.” You’re killing me.
February 5th, 2008 at 1:13 pm
It was made clear in no time that the regular commercial writers were on strike with the WGA, and that scabs wrote these awful commercials.
February 5th, 2008 at 3:28 pm
I thought the Life Water Thriller ad was for Geico until the very end.
February 5th, 2008 at 3:41 pm
I also noticed the lack of racial diversity in the godaddy.com ad (white people really don’t want to invite black people to their parties, but they have to in order to make it seem like they aren’t racist, and in the end they ask me to go, because I speak eloquently, and I end up canceling at the last second because I don’t want to be at a party where I also double as the “diversity”)
Anyway…if there WERE a black guy the whole exchange would have gone like this:
White guy 1: “Dude!!!! Is that Danica Patrick slowly unzipping her jacket!?!??!!?”
White guy 2: ” It totally is, DUDE!!!! I think I feel a SEMI coming on!!!!
(Both white guys high five, awkwardly)
Only black guy: “Fuck that, while you guys are looking at a skinny white chick with no tits or ass on the computer, I will steal some of your smaller consumer electronics. Fo’ Shizzze”
(The ‘Fo shizzle’ is what ad agencies think black people say)
February 5th, 2008 at 7:45 pm
Somehow I pictured my inevitable dystopian future with less regard to footwear and more extradimensional invaders…
February 5th, 2008 at 10:31 pm
Uh, Mustafa, are you saying that black people DON’T say “Fo’ Shizzle”? Are you sure, because ad agencies are rarely wrong (see: whazzzzup?)
If for some strange reason this is indeed the case, please let us white people know what you DO say. There is a black girl in my office who is rather nice and I like to make her feel as comfortable as possible.
Thanks! I love your hair, by the way.
February 5th, 2008 at 10:32 pm
Regarding the GM Chevy Tahoe Hybrid commercial, give me a damn break. It gets a claimed 20 mpg (CarandDriver tested about 19) versus the 12 it got before. My 1997 Nissan Altima can get up to 30.
Nobody needs a boat- excuse me- Tahoe and anyone who spends that much money for crap gas mileage can be killed by a melting glacier.
February 6th, 2008 at 3:02 am
Where are parts 3 through 5?
February 6th, 2008 at 5:50 pm
These commercials are pretty terrible… I liked the format, it reminds me a little of Zack and Thorpe’s Fashion SWAT, though you guys have a slighyly different dynamic. Several of the lines I turned into away messages, I enjoyed them.
February 7th, 2008 at 2:31 am
I’m surprised there was no joke about the obvious Nazi influence in the Under Armour ad. I’m not even close to jewish, or gay, or a gypsy, and I’m white, but I was seriously scared for my life, and everyone elses with that commercial
February 7th, 2008 at 4:53 am
Once again…
Life Water (not Pepsi) Ad - Okay, it just goes to show that 80s pop culture references will never die.
Godaddy.com Ad - Just like a Superbowl ad, weird looking guys drooling over hot chicks like DP.
General Motors Ad - kinda boring, I can draw better human figures than that.
Salesgenie Ad - I adore panda bears, but this ad seems like another dumb E surance-like cartoon commerical.
Budlight Ad - Lame, I hate anything Carlos “I like to steal other people’s material” Mencia is in anyway.
February 9th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
the general motors commercial is actually a direct ripoff of a 1975 oscar-nominated piece fro best animated short; “Sisyphus” by Marcell Jankovics. No one knows this because they did give him any credit. Look it up.