Appalachian State Mountaineers for President

Last week, Michigan, (ranked 5th in the country), lost to the Appalachian State Mountaineers, (ranked nothing in nowhere). Also, it was opening day. Also, Michigan was at home. Also, this is the biggest goddamn upset in college football history. When you're a nationally ranked, Big Ten team with aspirations of snagging the championship, you do NOT lose to the Junior Varsity. That's not a rule I ever thought I'd have to spell out. For anyone who either doesn't follow sports or doesn't care enough to understand just how devastating of an upset this is, I've provided a handy list of non-sports-related parallels to illustrate:

• Chuck Norris enters a kickboxing competition only to lose out to Dakota Fanning.
• After losing to David, Goliath proceeds to lose to David's younger, slower, not-nationally-ranked brother, Stanley.
• Superman loses a wrestling match to Rick Allen, one-armed drummer of Def Leppard.
• The reanimated corpse of Franklin Delano Roosevelt runs as a nominee of both the Republicans and Democrats in 2010, only to lose to a Green-party-affiliated bag of ham.
• The Beatles, circa 1967, enter a battle of the bands but lose to The Plain White T's and nine and a half minutes of Hey There Delilah.