It has recently come to my attention (as well as the attention of everyone else) that you are in rehab for Sex Addiction. First off, let me say congratulations; that's super great. Probably the best addiction to have behind heroin. I mean, they die young and look pretty haggard, but you know those guys are happy like most of the time.
I imagine it's much the same with a sex addiction, especially for someone who can get sex so readily. Is rehab just a big 24-hour orgy, or what? Because that’s all I hear from Lohan. Again, congrats.
But the reason I'm writing is that, as you are probably aware, your character in Californication also suffers from a sex addiction. Quite a coincidence. I hope I’m not jumping the gun when I assume that after this whole rehab thing dies down, you’ll probably become a paranormal investigator.
And when you do…please, Mr. Duchovny, let me be your Scully.
I've already talked to Gillian Anderson, or rather the person at her gate, more than thirty times, and I've been assured by him that she's not interested in paranormal investigation. If you don't believe me, I've got the restraining orders to prove it. She’s just a terrible woman. That leaves the door wide open for her replacement, and I’d like to be the first to submit a resumé.
As we in the paranormal investigation business like to say, BAM:
185 lbs. (not counting aura)
Sort of like the guy from Oasis
A piercing and unearthly brown
To obtain work as the scientifically-minded, skeptical partner of paranormal investigator David “Mulder” Duchovny.
Was one of six people to see the second X-Files movie opening night, and still maintain that I liked it, despite all logic to the contrary.
Am in possession of a number of David Duchovny’s and Gillian Anderson’s personal garments, which can be returned if I should attain the desired position, or else simply used as inspiration in the field.
Saw a vampire once. I’m pretty sure. He had his mouth on another guy’s neck, and he was dressed very fashionably.
In High School, was voted “most likely to investigate paranormal activity.”
Once watched every episode of The X-Files over a three-day weekend, and still didn’t understand who the cigarette-smoking man was.
Own the album Californication.
Paid Cracked blogger, specializing in news of the paranormal (will occasionally cover many other topics).
Managed sketch troupe “Those Aren’t Muskets!” in the hope of accidentally recording footage of a ghost. Efforts so far unfruitful. Troupe name is a reference to the famous utterance of the “Gaberdeen Witch” as she was hung in 1782.