About 45 percent of the public believes in ghosts. Some smaller but significant percentage of the public believes they have fucked a ghost. I'm not kidding. A lot of people swear they've had ghost sex. So let's dive into the only kind of "ghost investigation" that really matters ...
In 2016, Amanda Teague married the 300-year-old ghost of a Haitian pirate named John Robert Teague. An Englishwoman who goes by the name Amethyst Realm claims to have had sex with at least 20 ghosts. Sian Jameson says that she had a one-night stand with a ghost from the 1820s who looked hot in a painting. All three of these women describe the sex as the best they've ever had.
But why listen to regular people about their spooky sexual encounters when you could ask celebrities? Everyone wants to bang a famous person -- even ghosts, apparently! Anna Nicole Smith, Kesha, Bobby Brown, and Lucy Liu all claimed to have had sexual encounters with ghosts. Brown's story is probably the best, and he's shared it a lot, including on Larry King's show and 20/20, in one of the greatest interviews of all time. He describes it as such:
"I moved into this house. I bought this mansion in Georgia, so this was a really, really spooky place. But yeah, one time I woke up and yeah, a ghost. I was being mounted by a ghost."
He then specifies that he wasn't high, which is something he's obviously been asked before.
Robin Roberts then caps the interview with "Wow, you've had quite a life." This is something you say to someone who swam the English Channel, not someone who's gotten rowdy with the ethereal undead. I have a million follow-up questions for Bobby Brown, the most pressing being "Did you ask this ghost if Heaven exists while you were humping it?" Look, I know that it might ruin the mood, but I wouldn't know whether I'd get a second chance at it.
If you're not a celebrity whom ghosts are tripping over themselves to have sex with, you'll probably have to summon your ghost fuckbuddy like a peasant. And this can get expensive. There's a huge price gap between summoning a regular ghost and summoning a ghost to have sex with. If you want to summon a ghost just to throw rocks through it and laugh at it or whatever, it will cost you as little as $2.99 on Amazon (for the Kindle edition of Ghosts And Their Summoning).
However, if a book about summoning mentions sex in the title, you're gonna have to go higher. For instance, Sexual Alchemy: Magical Intercourse With Spirits is $90, even though it has super mixed reviews.
To be fair, one of the one-star reviews -- headlined "Caveat emptor, Magus emptor! Buyer & Wizard beware!!" -- asserts that the book works too well. In a long diatribe that gives shout-outs to both God and Buffy The Vampire Slayer Season 6, the reviewer writes that although the spell worked for him and he did lose his virginity to a ghost, he also ended up homeless and friendless, having to leave the city where the ritual was performed. That's probably a risk you run when the one-night stand you ghosted has the ability to ghost your ass for eternity.
A three-star review of the same book offers a similar warning: "This is well written and well put together. I will not fault it at all in those aspects. However, you will become obsessed/possessed/addicted."
Again, this is a three-star review that says "Oh yeah, it works, but you'll get addicted and it will probably kill you. THREE STARS for death by ghost dong."
The author of Sexual Alchemy, Donald Tyson, has several other books for sale on Amazon that involve various types of magic, including one that claims to allow you to "reliably and safely get in touch with the Old Ones and draw upon their power for spiritual and material advancement." Yeah, that one costs $10. So we see that the demand for communication with H.P. Lovecraft monsters is hot, but nowhere near as hot as the market for nailing some sweet poltergeist ass.
Since I want to summon a sex ghost on a budget, I decided to scour the internet for a frugal solution to my problem. Luckily, I found summoningsuccubus.com, which offers seven free lessons on summoning a succubus/incubus. Glowing user testimonials praise both the site and its owner Eric Vonroth: "At first I thought all of this succubus business is total B.S. Eric proved me wrong and I have him to thank for it." Says Fernando from Los Angeles: "Working with Erik has been both life changing and fun. Finding a spiritual connection with my Incubus Sam means the world to me." Awww. It's kind of sweet if you think about it for a second and then not one second longer.
Lesson 1 asks that you fill out a questionnaire called "Are You Sexual Spirit Material?" It really digs deep and gets to the core of your desire to have sex with a ghost, with questions like "What Type Of Sexual Spirit Do You Wish To Summon" and "For What Purpose Do You Wish To Summon a Sexual Spirit."
I was excited to see that summoning a succubus just to be friends with was an option, because I'm always looking for strong female friends. In the next section, I got to pick what characteristics are important to me in a spiritual lover. I chose funny, intelligent, and friendly, leaving off choices like aggressive, dominant, and powerful, because I don't want to be murdered by my sex ghost. The next section was a little confusing, as it asks "How long do I think it will take you to create first contact?"
How am I supposed to know how long Eric Vonroth thinks it will take me to create first contact? Is this question designed to test whether or not I'm psychic? All I could do was guess that if Eric Vonroth met me, he would think I was very smart and cool like everyone else does, and that it would probably only take me 1-4 weeks to contact a ghost that's into me. And that's good, because it then became very clear that summoning this ghost was going to be a process.
Hours in a week? Wow, summoning a sexual ghost sounds like a commitment. I was just looking for a little fun, and now this survey is talking about long-term relationships and hours per week. I'm starting to feel a lot of pressure here. Maybe it would be easier to just purchase a spirit that has been pre-summoned for me.
If, like me, you find the summoning ritual to be a bit overwhelming, but unlike me you have money, you can head on over to eBay and nab a pre-summoned sex ghost for $150. Just type in "succubus summon" and wade through a sea of Yu-Gi-Oh! cards until you eventually find it. eBay's variety of sex ghost listings even sometimes lists the ghost's turn-ons. For instance, the Hecate Moondrake Vampire Succucbus likes "green candles, mugwort, anise, and similar herbal offerings" to "ignite her fireworks."
The truly amazing thing about the succubi sold on eBay is how positive their sellers' ratings are. The seller of the Hecate Moondrake Vampire Succubus and the Inseparable Succubus Twins has 100 percent positive feedback from 951 ratings. Glowing reviews include "This little lady has kept me very busy, she likes me just fine!!!!! smiles," "Repeat customer v v highly recommended top seller more like this ebay pls AAA+," and "Amazing!!!! Heard his hooves right after I cut the tie!!! Loves to tell jokes." That last review is from a buyer who purchased something called a "pendent of a sensual male faun."
All I can think looking through the eBay reviews for this man who exclusively sells ghosts is this: How did every single buyer get exactly what they wanted from this product? The reviews aren't even mixed, they're all like "WOW my dick is just gone from all of this succubus sex. Will buy many more ghosts from this gentleman if I ever recover from all of the ghost orgasms I just had, A++++ thanks!"
One thing hammered home over and over again on every WordPress blog, Tumblr post, survey, and eBay listing I visited is that ghosts simply might not be that into you. This is usually framed as being entirely your fault. Either you didn't believe hard enough or you were afraid (which is a real turn-off for ghosts, apparently).
You would think spirit sex might be a good answer for lonely people who want to find a partner -- or in my case just someone to watch RuPaul's Drag Race with me and brush my hair. But in reality, it can turn out to be another plane of reality for you to be a loser in. I tried to summon a succubus using the letter method. This method instructs you to focus on what you want in a succubus, then write a letter with a list of what you're looking for. This is mine:
I did misspell the word "enemies," but I have a learning disability and figure my succubus should know that about me, so I left it in. You then add a little something from your body to the paper, whether it's blood, semen, or hair (hair is less potent). I used hair. After lighting a candle (I used a Bubbly Pomegranate from Yankee Candle to give my summoning that classic Christmas-y feel), you focus your intention and burn the letter in a bowl. Eventually, you're supposed to feel pressure on your chest, wind on your skin, soft touches, and mild-to-strong sexual arousal. I guess in my case, I would interpret that to the ghost being super horny for friendship.
Unfortunately, I felt none of these things. When my letter burned away, all I was left with was slightly less hair and the words "Give piggyback rides my ememies." I have to say that this felt pretty intentional, like somewhere a succubus was laughing at me. Then again, I did say that I wanted her to be funny, so who knows! Maybe it worked! Hahaha, just kidding. Ghosts hate me, it's fine.
You can haunt Lydia Bugg on Twitter
You'll have better luck with a Ouija board.
Support your favorite Cracked writers with a visit to our Contribution Page. Please and thank you.
For more, check out the 6 Most Eerily Convincing Ghost Videos On YouTube - The Spit Take:
Follow us on Facebook. Boo!
Plenty of everyday things have weird connections to the Nazis.
The thing about plot twists is that they almost never make sense on repeat viewing.
Sometimes the silliest goofballs get away with the vilest things.
Love is not dead?