"20 meters, 10 meters, five meters - that's inside the room! Wait...what?"
CASE NUMBER: 24X1000R INCIDENT DATE: 04/06/09 INCIDENT TIME: 09:45AM INCIDENT LOCATION: 17th and Grand, Cracked, Inc. Offices SUSPECT: Unknown, Refusal to Identify VIOLATION: Kidnapping
NARRATIVE:Received request for assistance from one Chris Bucholz, who stated over the phone that he was being held against his will in an office in the Cracked, Inc. Building. Upon arrival, the suspect could not be found. When we asked the employees if they knew where we could find Mr. Bucholz, every single person in the room stood up, one after another and declared that "I am Chris Bucholz." Afterwards, one person began to clap slowly, with others gradually joining in and increasing the enthusiasm of said clap, until the entire office was quickly cheering and parading about. Officers could find no valid trace of the real Mr. Bucholz.
"I AM CHRIS BUCHOLZ!"
CASE NUMBER: 24X1000S INCIDENT DATE: 04/06/09 INCIDENT TIME: 10:15AM INCIDENT LOCATION: 17th and Grand, Cracked, Inc. Offices SUSPECT: Unknown, Refusal to Identify VIOLATION: Kidnapping
NARRATIVE:Received another request for assistance from one Chris Bucholz, clarifying that he was hiding in a closet during our visit, and was too fearful to emerge. We arrived on scene promptly, but Mr. Bucholz refused to press charges, insisting that "it would be rude," but that he felt "duty bound" to continuously report all crimes to the proper authorities.
CASE NUMBER: 24X1000T INCIDENT DATE: 04/06/09 INCIDENT TIME: 11:00AM
NARRATIVE:Received same call from Mr. Bucholz, with same refusal to press charges or exit premises in the company of officers. I suggest that Mr. Bucholz may be mentally ill, in light of his extreme sense of civic duty coupled with inhuman levels of politeness.
CORRECTION:Please strike suggestion of mental illness from Record. Mr. Bucholz is simply Canadian.