It's been pointed out to me that a great deal of my anecdotes here at Cracked end with me under arrest, and this got me thinking: Why do I even bother writing these things, when I have assistants that could be writing all of my pieces for me? And by "assistants," I mean the police, and by "pieces," of course I mean incident reports. But hey, it's not like this is a trait unique to me. Most Cracked employees get paid entirely in bail money, after all, so I figured the best way to give you all a sense of our typical day is just to post all the relevant police reports filed for that day. But mostly because I have court today, and let's be honest, I'm probably guilty as hell.
NARRATIVE:Police were called to investigate a man reportedly blocking the exit doors to a local Starbucks. Reports from witnesses state that the suspect was standing in the doorway, refusing to let any customers leave until they had "answered me these riddles three." Onlookers report that some even attempted to oblige the suspect's requests, but that all so-called "riddles" were entirely personal questions. Examples given were: "Why do I feel so alone?" and "Does this look like a rash to you?" The scene devolved into violence shortly before we arrived, when the suspect's riddles apparently began to revolve entirely around the sexual activities of several customers' mothers. When we arrived, the suspect refused to let us into the establishment, unless we correctly answered "Why your mother sucks so much dick all the time?" Upon detainment, suspect failed a breathalyzer test with a Blood Alcohol Content of .29. Suspect requested a "do-over," insisting that he could "do better." Upon immediate re-administration of the test, the suspect blew a .40, informedÂ a nearby mailbox that "that is how you fucking do it," and then lapsed into unconsciousness. I feel compelled to note that we found no further alcoholic beverages upon his person at this time, and are at a complete loss as to how he managed to up his BAC so quickly without imbibing more alcohol. I also would like to go on recored as saying: "TouchÃ©."
"20 meters, 10 meters, five meters - that's inside the room! Wait...what?"
NARRATIVE:Received request for assistance from one Chris Bucholz, who stated over the phone that he was being held against his will in an office in the Cracked, Inc. Building. Upon arrival, the suspect could not be found. When we asked the employees if they knew where we could find Mr. Bucholz, every single person in the room stood up, one after another and declared that "I am Chris Bucholz." Afterwards, one person began to clap slowly, with others gradually joining in and increasing the enthusiasm of said clap, until the entire office was quickly cheering and parading about. Officers could find no valid trace of the real Mr. Bucholz.
"I AM CHRIS BUCHOLZ!"
NARRATIVE:Received another request for assistance from one Chris Bucholz, clarifying that he was hiding in a closet during our visit, and was too fearful to emerge. We arrived on scene promptly, but Mr. Bucholz refused to press charges, insisting that "it would be rude," but that he felt "duty bound" to continuously report all crimes to the proper authorities.
NARRATIVE:Received same call from Mr. Bucholz, with same refusal to press charges or exit premises in the company of officers. I suggest that Mr. Bucholz may be mentally ill, in light of his extreme sense of civic duty coupled with inhuman levels of politeness.
CORRECTION:Please strike suggestion of mental illness from Record. Mr. Bucholz is simply Canadian.
"Just doing my job as a good citizen, officers!"
NARRATIVE:Responding to call regarding sexual molestation on behalf of one Daniel O'Brien. Upon arrival, we found Mr. O'Brien crying in the bathroom where it was revealed that his superior, one Jack O'Brien, had "touched him in his private place." Upon questioning Jack O'Brien, officers eventually understood that by "private place," Daniel had merely meant that same bathroom, and the "touch" he was referring to was a high-five actually initiated by Daniel himself. The tears from Daniel quickly stopped, and he began conversing earnestly with Officer Stephanie Sullivan.
NARRATIVE:Mr. Daniel O'Brien had falsified charges of sexual molestation in order to sexually harass Officer Sullivan, whom he had met while he was being detained for prior (unrelated) sexual harassment charges.Â Subject repeatedly asked inappropriate questions of officer Sullivan, at one point even inquiring if she routinely used her Taser for sexual purposes. Mr. O'Brien noted that "the way it makes you clench up could be pretty handy... down there. For me. And my dick. In you. During Sex. Get it?" Officer Sullivan, in a display of astounding patience, responded that she did, indeed, get it. To which Mr. O'Brien responded that she "will get it." It should be noted that is the only time I have ever had to physically restrain Officer Sullivan.
The Official Uniform of the LAPD. As seen by DOB.
NARRATIVE:As we were detaining one Daniel O'Brien, noted earlier, Mr. Riley entered the bathroom and began to use the urinal. We began to notice suspicious activity when subject was still "using the urinal" 15 minutes later. He had not broken eye contact with Officer Sullivan during this entire time.
NARRATIVE:Suspect entered the restroom where we were detaining Misters O'Brien and Riley, strode purposefully up to our position and urinated on Officer Sullivan. When pressed for an explanation he explained it as symptomatic of being "really like... drunk or something." Suspect blew a 0.0 when breathalyzer was applied.
NARRATIVE:Mr. Brockway was to be held in contempt of court for distracting and disrespectful remarks. Mr. Brockway did willfully and repeatedly disrupt courtroom proceedings by frequently and loudly objecting to his own testimony, stealing the judge's gavel which he claimed as "the hammer of Thor" and refused to relinquish, and finally sexually propositioning Judge Meyer by "filing an appeal," which he clarified as "a-peeling those panties off your crotch, your sexual highness." Mr. Brockway was released without charges, on the provision that he agreed not to pursue assault charges against Judge Meyer who, in her 56 years of service to our judicial system, has never once "drop-kicked" a plaintiff before today.
NARRATIVE:Mr. Brockway, who was apparently freshly released from an earlier encounter, did make intensely inappropriate and graphic sexual remarks toward a male officer of the law in my presence. The suspect thought that his remarks "should not count" because he "took it back" once he realized the officer's in question's gender. Mr. Brockway clarified that he thought his remarks should be rendered invalid, because "everybody knows these Asian dudes all look like hot chicks anyway." It should be noted that this is the only time I have ever had to physically restrain Officer Rodriguez.
Left Side: What Robert sees. Right Side: What "reality" insists is there.
NARRATIVE:Responded to a confusing call either from Wayne Gladstone or in regards to Wayne Gladstone. Apparently Mr. Gladstone had phoned the police when he spotted a former "stalker" of his within the premises of the Cracked, Inc. Building. Eventually it became clear that Mr. Gladstone only refers to himself in the third person, and was hoping to file charges against himself, stating that he was "too sexy and just couldn't leave himself alone." When we explained that 911 is not a joke, Mr. Gladstone broke down in tears and began to desperately plead with us, insisting that he was not joking and that he feared for his physical safety. Mr. Gladstone removed his pants and revealed to us a chafed and raw penis, stating that it was clear evidence of an assault on Mr. Gladstone by Mr. Gladstone. He was arrested for Indecent Exposure.
NARRATIVE:Police were called in regards to a potential suicide, and found one Jack O'Brien standing on the ledge of the 16th floor of the Cracked, Inc. building, threatening to jump to his death. He repeatedly shouted that he "could not take it anymore" and began throwing empty pints of scotch to the street below. Before negotiators could be called in, Mr. O'Brien suddenly ducked back into his office window and made no further appearance on the ledge. Upon further investigation we found Mr. O'Brien calmly working at his desk in complete denial of any suicidal impulses or actions. We were informed that Mr. O'Brien does this every day just before office hours end, and were further told that we should not respond to further similar calls in the future by virtue of a "pact" engaged in by Mr. O'Brien and an unknown entity with some influence in City Hall.
Pictured: Unknown Entity.
NARRATIVE:Received another call from Chris Bucholz, potentialÂ kidnap victim. Upon our arrival on scene, we were informed that Mr. Bucholz just wanted to thank us in person for our previous assistance. When we informed Mr. Bucholz that 911 is for emergency calls only, Mr. Bucholz responded that "courtesy is an emergency."
REQUEST FOR TRANSFER:OFFICER NAME: Rodriguez, John REASON FOR REQUEST: Unsafe working conditions resulting in undue mental stress, anxiety and depression. APPLICATION STATUS: Denied. Officer cannot file for transfer on his first day.