A Guide to Holiday Cocktails Written After Drinking Them All


Holiday drinks, much like candy canes and pfeffernusse cookies, have only survived as long as they have because humanity spends eleven months each year forgetting how disgusting they are. We allowed barely edible seasonal treats to gain traction in our culture because we tricked ourselves into thinking we enjoy them. Our sense of taste and smell is so closely tied to fond holiday memories and the serotonin rush of getting free shit that now we can chew our way through quarts of eggnog each December while sincerely believing it tastes like anything other than pure punishment.

A Guide to Holiday Cocktails Written After Drinking Them All
"I want to hurt you."

And that's fine. Tradition, even when it's torture, is still tradition. But for anyone out there who is new to drinking this holiday season and doesn't have nostalgia wrapped up in cocktails made of chicken embryo, I'm creating this guide with you in mind. It's for your sake that I intend to make and ingest every awful festive cocktail I can find online and offer an objective review of each, in real time. I have already been to the grocery store as well as the liquor store and a pile of ingredients is waiting in my kitchen. I'm doing it in part because I hope the cycle of frothy whiskeys and warm chocolate wines will end with you, and also because I have to write a column on Christmas Eve and my only recourse against our Editor in Chief is to write it drunk.

A Guide to Holiday Cocktails Written After Drinking Them All
Merry Christmas, Jack. This one is for you.

Feel Like Holiday

A Guide to Holiday Cocktails Written After Drinking Them All

Ingredients: * Vodka* Grenadine Syrup* Champagne

First ImpressionsI'm warming up with something simple. There are only three ingredients here and two of them will hopefully be working together. Carbonated drinks absorb through the stomach faster than non-carbonated, so really the champagne is sneaking vodka in through the backdoor to my bloodstream. The grenadine makes this drink look pretty innocuous by coloring the whole thing a pale shade of pink. Still, there's no way this drink was invented by anyone other than a panicked drunk with limited options. Even the name sounds like a grammatical accident, unless of course it's a command, ordering me to feel like a holiday must feel, which c'mon, is clearly drunk logic. ConclusionOK, bad start. Already off to a bad start. I think champagne and vodka might be natural enemies. They have clearly had a fight to the death in my glass because all I can taste is the corpse of something doused in sugar. Part of the problem might be that I didn't have time to chill the vodka or the champagne but the whole thing is a warm, syrupy mess with subtle notes of nail polish remover. To the Feel Like Holiday's credit, the more of it I drink, the less startlingly bad it seems. This is particularly true when I skip the tasting portion and just swallow as much as I can at once, which, now that I think about it, may be the reason so many holiday parties rely on miserable drinks like this one.

Scotch Holiday Sour

A Guide to Holiday Cocktails Written After Drinking Them All

Ingredients: * Scotch Whiskey* Cherry Brandy* Sweet Vermouth* Lemon Juice* Slice of Lemon

First ImpressionsI don't have any cherry brandy because my local liquor store doesn't cater to 72 year old woman. I was able to Frankenstein some together with regular brandy and the grenadine from the last drink. Mixing all the other ingredients in, the Scotch Holiday Sour looks like something I would intentionally consume. In fact, it looks cool and refreshing, which is exactly what you'd want after a steamy day out in the December heat, I would imagine. ConclusionNot as refreshing as I had anticipated. You'd think with all the other ingredients piled in there, something would cut the smokiness of the scotch, but you would be wrong. Maybe it's supposed to be reminiscent of the smell of a wood fireplace on a cold day but it honestly tastes like hard lemonade stirred with a lit cigarette. The vermouth and the brandy aren't doing it any favors either, and I think that might be partially the grenadine's fault. Scotch just doesn't go well with fruit, or sweet things, or really anything other than ice and tweed jackets. Even at the last drink when ice cubes were hitting me in the face this cocktail never got any more palatable. There are very few cocktails that announce with such clarity, "I am made of toxins and you shouldn't be drinking me."

Frosty Noggin

A Guide to Holiday Cocktails Written After Drinking Them All

Ingredients: * Rum* Creme de Cacao* Eggnog* Vanilla Ice Cream

First ImpressionsThere's no way someone drinks these earnestly. The rum makes the ice cream curdle immediately and disintegrate into bubbles of dairy that float on the surface and cling to the walls of the glass. There are also particles of either eggnog or ice cream settling at the bottom and a big expanse of pure liquor in the middle. It's possible that this would have come out better in a blender but after mixing it with just a spoon I can earnestly say that it looks like someone threw up in a glass. The good news is that a single serving is the equivalent of a meal. It's over a thousand calories and 145% of the daily recommendation for saturated fat. I imagine at least half of that is in the stagnant skin over the top.ConclusionIt's actually pretty delicious, I didn't anticipate it being this good. If I drink it fast enough, I get a little of everything at once and all the flavors go well together. Consistency-wise, it still feels like a dare inside my mouth. It has the same feel and chew as cold, watery ketchup and my body immediately wanted to reject it out of habit. I also had a precarious moment at the end when the foam was the last thing to seep out of the glass and it tasted like spicy milk, something my body has also been taught over the last twenty nine years to refuse. I managed to get it all down and now I feel the same kind of full I get after eating fast food: regret-full. Ha! (Probably should delete this later.)

Hot Holiday Punch

A Guide to Holiday Cocktails Written After Drinking Them All

Ingredients: * Egg Yolks* Sugar* Brandy* Warmed Milk

First ImpressionsNo. No way. I thought for sure the recipe must be wrong but several different websites agree this is a real thing people deliberately put inside themselves. Incidentally, if you didn't click on that last link, it leads to a website for dealing with newborns and now I'm jealous that I didn't think of a drinking website for parents first. Also a little depressed. I have such great ideas but I never follow through on them. I'm always doing this. It's called Hot Holiday Punch but I'm privately suspicious that it was invented by someone who doesn't know what any of those words mean. To the touch, this drink is tepid at best, and if I had to guess what the opposite of fruit was, I would probably go with dairy. I don't think anyone would choose to dri- Wait. Go back to that website for a second. Holy shit, I can't tell whether I'm supposed to feed this to a baby or not. The Age field at the top says, "Baby." That's mistake right? There's no way babies can have eggs. This website is awful. I really should have thought of it first.

A Guide to Holiday Cocktails Written After Drinking Them All
"Who the hell has my keys!? No, JK, I'm a mess."

ConclusionFinally, a warm drink. It's good, I'm pretty sure. Or maybe my taste buds have finally accepted that this is just our life now, forever. Aside from the ugly taste of the yolks and the hot milk, and the sugar, this is delicious. I would even serve it at a party minus the miserable ingredients. As it stands, I barely want to throw up with each drink so I guess that's something. I bet babies would love this shit. They'll drink whatever you put in front of them. If you don't believe me , try it. Try it.

Christmas Tree Shot

A Guide to Holiday Cocktails Written After Drinking Them All

Ingredients: * Creme De Menthe* Grenadine* Irish Cream

First ImpressionsWell this looks nothing like a Christmas tree. I'm embarrassed for whoever invented this drink. None of the colors are right for Christmas except maybe the grenadine but the shot glass is so tiny and can't stir it around so it just looks like blood floating in milk and oh my god I just scared myself out of drinking this.

ConclusionFull disclosure. I can't stess enough how much I dislike blood, even when it's just grenadine pretending to be blood. I made a bowl of frosty noggin instead. I'm not sorry. If you're still curious about how the Christmas Tree Shot tasted, it looked like it was probably salty, and thick and like it belonged in a human body. Seriously, don't ever drink it. It's made of insides. Drink a frosty noggin instead, they are outstanding.

Cuppa Good Cheer

A Guide to Holiday Cocktails Written After Drinking Them All

Ingredients: * Vodka* White Creme de Cacao* Hot Cocoa* Half 'n Half* Whip Cream* Chocolate Shavings

First ImpressionsDo not try this drink! It will drop on your floor and shatter everywhere. I have no idea why it's been around so long, it just makes a huge mess. Also, the hot chocolate will take ten minutes just to heat up and during that time you will wonder what the difference is between half 'n half and regular milk and you will drink some, and then you will drink a lot and then you will feel sick. When you finally finish the cocktail and it explodes, you will have to wake up your mom because you don't know where the mops are and she will shake her head and tell you they are in the same place they've always been and you will start to wonder if this house ever actually felt like home. ConclusionHey, have you ever done a whippit with a can of whip cream before? It's amazing. Whippets should really be a holiday thing, they are way better than all this other bullshit. I have to remember tomorrow to build a website for drinking babies and figure out how to make whippets a holiday legacy. Man, Christmas is shaping up to be a busy day.

Wintry Chocolate Mulled Wine

A Guide to Holiday Cocktails Written After Drinking Them All

Ingredients: * Red wine* Brandy* Cloves* Cinnamon* Honey* Cocoa Powder* Vanilla* Eggs* Butter* Plain Flower* Baking Powder* Dark Chocolate

First ImpressionsThis looks a lot thicker than any mulled wine I've had before. I don't think it's worth putting in a glass because it would take forever to drink. This is more like a spoon and a mixing bowl type of cocktail. The recipe called for baking time which sounds equally ridiculous so I'm forgoing that step. If you're looking for an added festive touch, try a little whip cream! I did! ConclusionIt's cake. That's my fault. This is definitely supposed to be a cake. Oh god, I ate/drank a lot of it. Disqualification aside, this was my favorite holiday drink. I highly recommend it, unless it's possible to die from eating a bowl of cake batter. Has anyone ever died from that? I'm pretty sure people get worms from stuff like this. What kills worms? Vodka? I'm going to assume it's vodka. I guess don't try this drink if you don't like worms, or vodka. Otherwise, go for it, probably. God I'm bad at this. I'm so sorry, Jack

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