A Guide to Holiday Cocktails Written After Drinking Them All
Holiday drinks, much like candy canes and pfeffernusse cookies, have only survived as long as they have because humanity spends eleven months each year forgetting how disgusting they are. We allowed barely edible seasonal treats to gain traction in our culture because we tricked ourselves into thinking we enjoy them. Our sense of taste and smell is so closely tied to fond holiday memories and the serotonin rush of getting free shit that now we can chew our way through quarts of eggnog each December while sincerely believing it tastes like anything other than pure punishment."I want to hurt you." And that's fine. Tradition, even when it's torture, is still tradition. But for anyone out there who is new to drinking this holiday season and doesn't have nostalgia wrapped up in cocktails made of chicken embryo, I'm creating this guide with you in mind. It's for your sake that I intend to make and ingest every awful festive cocktail I can find online and offer an objective review of each, in real time. I have already been to the grocery store as well as the liquor store and a pile of ingredients is waiting in my kitchen. I'm doing it in part because I hope the cycle of frothy whiskeys and warm chocolate wines will end with you, and also because I have to write a column on Christmas Eve and my only recourse against our Editor in Chief is to write it drunk. Merry Christmas, Jack. This one is for you.