A Golden Opportunity For Your Penis... If It's Good At Rationalizations

What If I told you that one of the sexiest women in the history of film was looking for a young male escort? That she was willing to pay you just to be her date. And what if I showed you her photo?

Man, that's a sexy lady. A come hither stare. Smoldering sensuality. Classy, yet seemingly not adverse to some sado-masochistic ass play. Sounds great you say, but something is troubling. This diva looks familiar. Is that... could that be... Good Lord, it's Lauren Bacall:

So forget about the first photo because it's the 2007 Lauren Bacall who's in the market for a male escort.

But does that have to be a dealbreaker? I mean, you could still tell all your friends you bedded down with a movie star. You could have something in common with Humphrey Bogart. And, hey, you'd still be getting paid for sex, and that's something, right?

Well, maybe you wouldn't have to have sex. Maybe you could watch her feed her 600 cats or listen to stories about blowing Louis B. Mayer. Oh, I don't know.

I do know that aging is incredibly depressing because Lauren Bacall was stunningly beautiful. And now even though she's in her 80's, she's probably aged as well as is humanly possible without having your skin all pulled and Botoxed. And still, she has to pay men to keep her company. That's a drag.

So if any of you strapping young Cracked readers are up for the job, why not leave your testimonials in the comments below? Maybe you can make a love connection. What do you have to offer Ms. Bacall? Please specify your favorite 40's movies, likes, dislikes, and penis size.