9 Ugly Holiday Sweaters That Will Ruin Any Office Party
"Wear your ugliest Christmas sweater," says the invite to your office Christmas party. Most people would take this to mean that you should don a gaudy, bejeweled knitted monstrosity, but not you. You take these matters seriously. You will have the ugliest Christmas sweater, but you won't rely on cheap tricks like clashing colors or tacky googly eyes. No, your sweater will reflect the ugliness of the human soul. It will be a window into the depravity lurking behind those jolly, vacant smiles. You won't be satisfied until your sweater has you wind up in a sealed red HR folder.
2016 is all about milking nostalgia until its udders are shriveled and dry. What better way to remember some of that old-school joy than a gritty reboot of The Grinch -- this time with added realism! If anyone criticizes you for "ruining" their childhood, remind them that you're not the Dr. Freak who drew the Grinch without any pants. You're simply taking it to its logical anatomical conclusion. Just recite those heartwarming lines from the original story: "And what happened then? Well ... in the cold, they say, that the Grinch's 'Li'l Grinch' shrank three sizes that day!"
Note from HR: Responding to complaints from parents with "The Jim Carrey version is worse," while true, demonstrates a lack of understanding of our "family friendly" holiday party."
"Let It Snow" Donner Party
Comet and Cupid and Donner Party survival cannibalism! Nothing kindles that Christmas spirit like remembering the magical snow of 1846 which trapped 60 pioneers in the cold, unforgiving bosom of the Sierra Nevada mountains. Far from being a downer, this is a cheery reminder that things can always get worse. People-stew worse. When your co-workers express trepidation about dinner with their extended families, remind them of the awkward conversations that must have occurred around the dinner log among these desperate settlers. "Remember when you decided to use the Hastings Cutoff? And how we're stuck here now? Ha ha, anyways, can you pass me some more of the Jonathan?"
Note from HR: While it is not explicitly against our code of conduct to discuss cannibalism, hypothesizing that Cheryl from accounting would "taste gamy" is against the spirit of our collaborative work environment.
Holly Berries Nipple Window Sweater
This festive sweater, made from 100 percent merino wool, features two colorful sprigs of holly leaves, the "berries" of which are your exposed nipples. "A bit chilly in here, isn't it?" you jest, certain that this will come off as charming to your co-workers and boss. Their averted gazes are just a sign that they have accepted you as the new Alpha. The police will show up, no doubt to admire your festive ingenuity, and take you down to the station so they can take some yuletide Polaroids.
Note from HR: Your sexual harassment training packet is on your desk. Review ASAP.
"Happy Birthday, White Jesus"
Sure, the PC Police may have labeled this a "holiday" party, as if anyone actually gives a flying figgy pudding about Hanukkah or something from one of those other abnormal religions. Show everyone you're in the majority and proud with this sweater that just tells it like it is. "But Jesus was Middle Eastern," Cheryl from accounting interjects. "Shh," you say. You put your finger to her lips, and aggressively hiss through your teeth, "SHHHHH."
Note from HR: Stop referring to Jewish people as "Hanukkahfolk."
Related: Happy Birthday, Badass - August 6
Santa's Little Helper
Can Santa deliver toys to all the children of the world in a single night? Yes, Virginia, but not without a boost from "Santa's Little Helper." That ol' "Christmas snow." Sweet, sweet "sugarplum dust." Cocaine. I'm talking about cocaine. This beautiful angora sweater features accents of glitter to bring out the twinkle in Santa's stash.
"What?" you say, responding to a blank look from Cheryl, "You thought Santa's nose was red from the cold?" If Cheryl doesn't speak to you for the rest of the evening, it's because you put her "Meow-y Christmas" sweater to shame.
Note from HR: Cocaine is not "nature's coffee," and will not be added to the break room.
Delight your coworkers with this endearingly witty play on words. Simply press on the bear's tummy to play audio from a real-life fatal bear attack and MIDI rendition of "Jingle Bell Rock." The small yet powerful speakers can play at up to 85 decibels, allowing your friends to hear the cracking of bones and anguished cries even over the din of conversation. "Do you get it?" you ask, as an uncomfortable caterer fights back tears. "Bear-y Christmas? Shall I play it for you again?"
Note from HR: We have burned your sweater and prayed for you, though we doubt it will do any good.
Anti-Vax Tiny Tim
Spread cheer and the real truth this Christmas with this conversation starter. Made from a blend of polyester and spandex, this comfortable sweater takes a bold stance against the unnatural practice of "vaccination." The adorable Tiny Tim is a testament to how things should be: Instead of pumping our children full of "medicine," we should allow them to experience the magic of polio. Besides, where will we get our endearingly sickly Dickensian street waifs without a touch of whooping cough?
Note from HR: You are not allowed to distribute "informational" pamphlets at a company function. Especially ones that make the unsubstantiated claim that "It is nature's will that the weak die off."
"Don't kinkshame me," you cry preemptively, drawing all eyes toward you. All the better that they admire your striking fashion statement. Hand-crafted from real leather, this holiday gimp suit is technically clothing. Festive ornaments dangle from nipple rings, and tinsel complements the assless chaps. If your peers cover their eyes, they're simply blinded by the amount of Christmas cheer reflecting off your shiny latex gusset.
Note from HR: Your sexual harassment training packet has been placed on top of your first sexual harassment training packet. Please review both.
Keep "Christ" In Christmas
Often, we focus on the wrong things around Christmastime -- the presents, the decorations, Tony Bennett serenading you as you pick up tampons from the grocery store. But this is all superficial commercial garbage distracting us from the true Christmas: the story of Mary giving sweaty, painful birth to Jesus. There were no epidurals in Jesus times -- only hay, a barn, and the uncomfortable gaze of sheep. Christmas isn't about fun traditions. It isn't about being "inclusive" or spreading "cheer." It's not about friends, family, or the joy of children. It is about Jesus Christ and the cold, clinical reality of how, like all of us, he burst into the world amid gooey vernix.
This sweater features an extreme close-up of the Virgin Mary's dilated vagina, with the precious head of baby Jesus crowning into the world. Childbirth is a metaphorical miracle, but the birth of our lord and savior is a literal one. Nothing says "Happy birthday, Jesus!" like a detailed depiction of his actual birth.
Note from HR: You don't work here anymore. Why do you keep showing up to our parties? Why do you keep showing up to my house?