Felix Clay: Ms. Gaynor? Hi, good to speak to you again. You'll be happy to know that Brockway asshole's been fired for harassing you, and we are determined to get your side of the story out there so people will leave you alone.
Janice Gaynor: The fuck are you?
FC: This is Felix Clay, we spoke yesterday about making sure people leave you alone.
JG: You a cop?
FC: I have seen them, yes.
JG: It's nonstop! It's harassment is what it is, I want the whole lot of them thrown in jail so they can get buttfucked! It's what they deserve.
"Buttfucking?!? Awwww, man!"
FC: Preaching to the choir, ma'am. Listen, let me ask you about the rhubarb-
JG: Fuck off! It's not a big deal, it's fuckin' rhubarb! It's fuckin fruit for a fuckin' pie! That lezzie bitch had to go tell the whole town like it's some thing. You come arrest me if it's so illegal, you fucker, I'll have you thrown off the force so fast, your fuckin' head will spin!
This went both better and worse than expected, like AC/DC playing smooth jazz, or sex with a woman who has a crooked vagina. We've broached the subject, but now I'm both an asshole journalist and an asshole cop. Not sure where to go from here. I break to have a delicious Fresca and consider my options.
Felix Clay: GIMME THE FUCKIN' RHUBARB! (at this point I began making nonsensical utterances that sounded a bit like GWAAAHH BOOBLAAAHH!)