9 Brilliant Moments of Comedy Hiding on YouTube
The tragedy of YouTube is that there is just so much of it that some of the most brilliant gems go unnoticed. Last year, I showed you some amazing bits of comedy genius whose greatness was not reflected in their traffic, and you all rewarded those unsung comedy heroes with much deserved attention. Fortunately for us all, I never get tired of finding these ridiculous things, and neither do our forum members. So let's give a big-ass "fuck yeah" to some more true comedy gems, because knowing that there are people out there who find these as awesome and funny as I do is one of the things that keep my faith in humanity alive.
Penguin Slap Fight
These are king penguins, also known as "the pussiest of all creatures." And when they fight, it is the greatest thing in the entire animal kingdom, because there is virtually no effort put into it at all. They just kind of stand around halfheartedly squawking at each other until one of them gets up the energy and motivation to swing a flipper. If it makes contact, so be it. It just bounces off with a soft, barely audible *pop*, while the other penguin looks on with a disinterested "How dare you?"
Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop.
The video is half a minute of that. Fins flopping all around, occasionally making contact. The soft pop of fin on chest, and then with exactly as much apathy, they all just decide that someone won and walk away. And if you really think about it, the world would be a much better place if all fights were conducted in this manner.
Sulfur Hexafluoride Makes You Sound L- "BLUUUGH!"
This is quickly becoming one of my favorite videos of all time for a couple of reasons. First, I (and according to Twitter, everyone else in existence) am a science geek. I could sit through a verbatim reading of insider trading laws if you put the speaker in a lab coat and have him fucking with chemicals at the same time. Second, the speaker in this video is actually inhaling the gases as he's explaining them. Not only does that make molecular science funny, but you know there's bound to be some awkward shit coming up. And there totally is.
He starts off with helium, and we all know that the reason it makes your voice high-pitched is because the molecules are small and light. But then he switches to sulfur hexafluoride, and that's when shit gets hilarious. See, it's five times denser than air (35 times heavier than helium), so when you breathe it in, you can actually feel its thickness. It's so heavy, in fact, that it just sits in your lungs, because it's too dense to just rise out on its own.
"Oh, it should be fine. Let me just pump some of this into my lungs here ..."
The first time he inhales it, it has its intended effect, dropping his voice down several octaves, like slowing down the speed on a record player. It's pretty funny in itself because the guy talks kind of slow to begin with, so it instantly makes him sound like a complete dumbass. But then he decides to do it again, and this is where I will lose it every time (1:41 in the video). As soon as he breathes that shit in, he starts to talk, but instead of words coming out of his mouth, he's interrupted by a cartoonish, gagging "BLUUUUGH!"
"Run! He's gonna spew!"
Followed by "Oh, boy. I almost threw up on that one!" But remember, he still has the gas in his lungs, so it's all low-pitched and slow, making him sound like a stereotypical movie version of a stoner. Giggling off his near-puke in front of what I can only assume is a class of middle school children? If that's not the case, don't tell me -- just let me keep believing that, because that's much funnier to me.
"Anybody got any Nutter Butters?"
But wait, he's not done! Remember how I said that sulfur hexafluoride is so heavy that it sits in your lungs? That means you can't just breathe it all out. In order to clear that shit out of your airway, you need to stand on your head. You can probably guess how that worked out.
"You know, you could just use the wall behind you to brace your- OK, just do it that way. You got this."
Pets Dressed as Sharks Chase ... Just Watch the Video
Since I started writing this article, this video has picked up some pretty good steam on traffic, but I'm keeping it anyway because it's so goddamn surreal. And no matter what traffic it's already accrued, it's never going to be enough to satisfy my inner sense of justice and karma.
At first, it's two pets: a cat and a duck. The duck is walking all around the kitchen, like "Sup? I'm a duck. Just hangin' out and doing duck shit." Meanwhile, a cat dressed in an itty-bitty shark suit sits on a Roomba and rides around like it ain't no thang. And right off the bat, we get a sequence that looks like a robotic cat-shark is hunting its unsuspecting duck prey.
Duh dun ... duh dun ... duh dun duh dun duh dun ...
For a little over two and a half minutes, it's that. Just layer upon layer of surreal video. No narration. No teenager giggling behind the camera. No added animation or dumbass text laid over the video. Just a person who knew that they were filming pure, simple comedy gold -- someone who knew the video would speak for itself without any outside interference.
"Hey, is it my turn yet? Hey. Catshark. Hey. Is it my turn yet? Catshark?"
One of the best parts is that the cat doesn't give even the slightest shit about the vacuum it's sitting on. Normally, pets would jet away from one of those things like it was the devil, but not this cat. It just sits there, enjoying the ride. Even when it bumps into a wall and spins around to find a clear path, the cat still just sits, unfazed. And just when you think they've jammed all of the surreal they can get into one video ... wait, did a dog in a hammerhead shark costume just casually stroll in like it wears that thing all the time?
Sandra Lee's Frame-by-Frame Meltdown
Sandra Lee, if you didn't already know, is a poor man's version of Martha Stewart. Which is to say she fancies herself a homemaker, except without any of the talent, skill, or vision required to be even remotely interesting or useful. Her only saving grace (and quite possibly the only reason she has any fame at all) is because she happens to be one of the worst "cooks" in the entire world. Virtually everything she does is a massive, hilarious disaster.
So in this particular video, she's made a bastardized concoction out of lemonade, heavy cream, and vodka. Hey, quick question: Does anyone know what happens when you mix citrus and/or alcohol with dairy? That's right, it curdles and instantly turns bad! And now Sandra Lee knows that.
"No, this is really, really good. My face sometimes does that when it's overwhelmed with good-tasting things."
As you well know by now, if the video had just showed her reaction, that wouldn't be good enough for this list. What it does is just as simple, but holy shit is it funny as fuck. He plays the clip like normal, starting with her saying, "And that ... is a delicious, sweet treat." Then, just as she puts the glass to her lips, he pauses it and starts advancing frame by frame.
One minute and eight seconds of a frame-by-frame descent into madness. Her face ever contorting, forever clenching in an involuntary grimace that threatens to envelop her entire head. Her whole face pinching in on itself like her nose was the singularity of an inescapable black hole of pure fucking stupid.
Each shot is more horrifying and hilarious than the last. Every time you think she hits the lowest point in her curdled valley of cocktail hell, the corners of her mouth twist and contort into an entity straight from the darkest recesses of Stephen King's mind ... finally landing on a face that is only appropriate in two situations: 1) drinking this abomination, or 2) the end of a particularly eventful blowjob.
"I call this drink the Devil's Semen."
Cheetah Shits into a Sunroof
You're a zoologist tracking a cheetah and her cubs, because zoologists get bored a lot. You're right on top of the family of cats when the mother decides to jump up on your SUV. This is bad, because the windows are down and the sunroof is open, and any sudden movements could be mistaken for signs of aggression. Or worse: signs of you, her prey, making a run for it.
"Maybe if I turn on the wipers ..."
So you sit as quiet and still as possible to put off the vibe of "I pose no threat, and I taste like shit." Suddenly, she jumps to the very top of the sunroof and peers in. This is it -- you realize these are the last moments of your life. She hunches over like the deadly predator that she is, measuring you up ...
... and then coldly, methodically takes a shit right into your truck. The whole time staring directly at the cameramen as if to say, "Go fuck yourself. Leave my family alone, you lowlife paparazzi fuckholes."
The zoologist reaches for his toilet paper (he's basically on a safari, so of course he has toilet paper with him) and makes a brilliant save just as the first of the turds drops through his roof.
The cheetah finishes up and starts to walk away when it becomes apparent that the hairless ape who's been stalking her is not in fact covered in her feces. So she repositions herself, aims, and fires a stream of urine directly into his fucking eyes. No, that's not just speculation -- he actually turns to the camera after it's over and says, "I got that in the eye."
Close your mouth, dumbass!
I've never seen a grander "go fuck yourself" than that. In fact, from now on, when someone pisses me off on the highway, I'm not going to give them the finger. I'm going to follow them to the next stoplight and do exactly this.
There is nothing (and I do mean nothing) more worthy of judgment and ridicule than hardcore dancers. Even if left in its original format with its original audio, this video would be funny. But just like every other video in existence, if you strip that shit out and replace it with "Yakety Sax," it just takes on a whole new level of hilarious.
"I call this the 'Out of Ritalin.'"
Now it's a Benny Hill sketch about coked-up white guys fighting off invisible ninjas. And believe me, they are in it to win it, baby. For some reason, they all decide to start displaying their best kung fu moves, even though it's painfully, embarrassingly obvious that not a single one of them has ever taken even the most remedial lesson in their lives.
Whoa, step back there, buddy. That dude will spin kick your fucking knee clean off.
Other than that, it's a display of gritted teeth and flailing arms and legs that serves as a clear explanation of why their parents took on newfound vows of celibacy. I think this girl's expression sums up the feeling at the event perfectly:
Dairy Cows Playing Like Puppies
This is another case of the music really making the video. It's a group of dairy cows that have been cooped up inside of a barn all winter, and this is their first time being released back into the pasture. Right as the video starts, the upbeat part of U2's "Beautiful Day" blasts in as cows jump and flop around like hyperactive puppies. And for whatever reason, that song just makes the whole thing hilarious. It gives it such a huge "inspirational movie" feel, but it's just a bunch of cows playing and rubbing their faces on the ground.
"Might as well do this now before we cover this whole place with our shit."
If you ever need a quick mood boost after a long day, pull this video up. If you can watch that and not smile, you're not of our species.
Reporter Is Amazed at the Avocado Dog
After watching this video, I think you'll agree that none of us will ever find as much joy in anything as Huell Howser did when he found a dog that eats avocados. On the air. As part of his report. On an actual TV show.
See, Huell had his own travel show on a California PBS station, and he was just amazed at everything, like, all the time. In this particular episode, he was visiting an avocado farm (or orchard, or whatever the hell you call them ... "birtheries"), and on the way up to see the actual picking in action, he noticed that the farmer's dog was eating an avocado off of the ground. In absolute glee, he exclaimed, "Your dog is eating an avocado!"
He follows up with "I've never seen a dog eat avocados before!" And then he pushes the mic toward the farmer, as if it were a question he was supposed to answer.
"Um ... now you have? I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say here."
One of the guys walks over and picks up the peel, and Huell just can't contain himself. He starts giggling like a little kid, holding up the cleaned-out shell and saying, "Look at this! That dog ate every speck of that avocado!" He's so into it, he actually set up another shot to show the dog eating a fresh one, leading in with "You want to see how to make a dog happy? Now that's an avocado-eatin' dog!"
But my favorite part of the whole video is at the end. He's moved on from the farm and has gone into what appears to be a farmer's market. He's interviewing a woman, and in the middle of his questions, he says to her, "The grove we were just visiting, their dogs ate avocados and they have the shiniest, healthiest-lookin' coat!"
I've never seen any other segment with Huell, and quite frankly, I don't want to. I like to imagine that in every other interview he ever did he found a way to mention the avocado-eatin' dog. Sadly, he passed away last January, and I truly hope he's in a place right now watching fields upon fields of dogs eating avocados. Just giggling and bursting with joy for all eternity.
Most Soda Cans Opened in Three Seconds
I'm not arrogant enough to think I could make this video any funnier or more awesome by adding a text description. Sometimes the highest honor you could give a piece of artwork like this is to just sit back and enjoy it for what it is.