9 Better Uses For The Giant Robot From 'Real Steel'
So this movie came out this past weekend about massive fighting robots. I don't know the name - I think it was the George Clooney one.
That's definitely it. I think Ides was the name of the robot.Anyways, this film was set in a curious near-future where competitive fighting is no longer done with fellas in little shorts and is instead done with massive robots who wear no shorts at all. The movie presumably goes into some explanation for why robots have entered this role, but not having seen the film, I'm limited to stating that it probably wasn't very convincing.Because a future where massive humanoid robots that do our bidding is only one really inspired lunatic away from becoming a reality, I decided to compile a list of all the cool things a lunatic could do with a massive humanoid robot. To ensure accuracy, I accomplished this by standing outside my local mental hospital and shouting questions at the open windows, recording whatever was shrieked back at me. After some time with the spell checker, and the removing hateful slurs checkers, I've come up with the 9 most inspired ways to abuse society with a massive robot. Hopefully this will inspire some of the lunatics that regularly read this column to get off their probably quite large asses, and invent some massive robots.
#1: CommutingAccording to a survey of commuters, less than 1% of people currently commute to work on the shoulders of an enormous robot. But 100% would do so if it was an option. "Is it an option?" 80% of that same group asked the surveyor, seizing him by his lapels. The advantages of riding to work on the shoulders of an enormous robot are too obvious to mention, but will at minimum include: - Increased visibility - The ability to use pedestrianized shortcuts - Carpooling lane privileges - Intimidation of tollbooth operators.A robot would also look very impressive when parked outside your office, winning you much admiration and prestige. When parked it would also, obviously, be theft resistant, and could also run errands for you while you're at work. Truthfully, having a robot for commuting would make you pretty much royalty, a prince among men.
Prince quite probably already has a massive robot friend which he rides around the house.
#2: Win Battles Of The BandsAccording to the culture I devoured growing up, many problems in the world are solved by Battles of the Bands.
Due to popular demand, they would later turn the novel into a movie.But it turns out that Battles of the Bands don't happen much in the real world, and when they do, they're for pretty low stakes. A t-shirt advertising the bar the battle is played at is a typical prize, but so is nothing at all. That said, given the state of the economy it's not improbable that in the near future most of our incomes will be derived from Battle of the Bands' winnings. In those cases, having a massive robot in your band would be pretty useful, given that it would have both the programming to play its instrument consistently, and incredible stage presence. Imagine perfectly timed, down to the millisecond, jumps when playing Van Halen's
#3: Dominate Reality ShowsBecause of some problems society has, for the last decade we've had shows on our televisions where the most objectionable people in the world are put in odd circumstances and forced to compete for money and attention. Like the high pitched noise when a television turns on, you can usually detect the presence of these shows from the full body shivers you'll experience when they're airing.
Even looking at this picture is enough to make my testicles retract inside my body cavity to protect themselves.Because the producers of these shows are quite possibly robots themselves, and if not, completely soulless, it stands to reason that they would have no problem allowing a massive robot to be a contestant on a
#4: Attack BulliesLike most people who know the difference between there,
"This court finds that given the degree to which Tyler was a little shit, a reasonable person would be fully expected to enjoy using a 30 ton robot to beat him. Kudos, and case dismissed."
#5: Police Traffic ViolatorsIt's an open secret that many police departments in the world use traffic citations as a revenue source. This makes certain activities which are relatively easy to police, such as speeding, much more likely to be cited than other bad driving habits which are as dangerous if not more so, like running red lights or tailgating.
Also, radar guns allow the police to think they're fighting a futuristic war.
#6: Destroy The Robot FactoriesOne problem with having an enormous robot is that other people are going to be jealous of you and all the horrible things you've done to them with your enormous robot. This jealously could lead to retribution, and if that retribution is also robot-delivered, you could be in real trouble. From this simple analysis it should be clear that the ideal scenario for owning a giant robot is being the only one with a giant robot. This should be straightforward. Just check your robot for a boilerplate which should list its home address, and head over there. Actually destroying the factory itself will be easy enough (remember that you have a massive robot at your disposal) but come prepared for resistance anyways (wear a helmet) and maybe don't tell them you're coming.
"Yeah Murray? One of our CSR's just got the strangest call from one of our customers. I'll get into it later, but for now I think you should probably close the front gate."
#7: Steal From the Rich, Give To The PoorOver the last few weeks a number of protestors have occupied Wall Street, and after days of effort, have succeeded in deciding to call themselves Occupy Wall Street. Angry about the economic and income inequality prevalent in today's economy, these protestors want something done about it. What that something is, is as yet a bit unclear, but whether it takes the form of a change in tax policy, new regulations for financial institutions, or a series of daring robot-assisted raids on rich people's homes, know that you're equipped to only help with one of those tasks.The actual logistics of stealing from the rich are involved and will vary from site to site. Fortunately for you, you'll have a giant robot which is capable of kicking his way through most logistical challenges.
As well as suplexing most private security company's patrol cars.
#8: Steal From The Poor, Give To The PoorThe problem with the rich is that they'll get wise to constantly being robbed by robots, and will soon put all their belongings out of reach of your robot - underwater I guess - and your foundation for the poor will suffer from lack of revenue. The only solution, stealing from the poor to give to the poor, may not sound like it makes much sense, but when mulled over for awhile, you'll remember that you have a giant robot, so fuck sense.You'll definitely want to steal less than you would from the rich, if only because they have less, right? And don't steal from all the poor - for one thing, there are just to many of them. But there are lots of dirtbags out there - feel free to take their stuff. Dirtbags will have less security measures than the rich, making the stealing part relatively easy, but will own more Firebirds, which will be used to chase you down.
Mid 90's Firebirds are pretty quick, and are the number one car preferred by dirtbags. They are however, like many things, vulnerable to being kicked by a 30 ton robot.__