6 Self-Defense Gadgets That Seem Like A Terrible Idea
In these uncertain times, which see our streets crawling with threats like rogue FBI agents and nose-ring-wearing youngsters searching for invisible Pokemon, the modern citizen must always be properly prepared for the worst. And if you're truly committed to protecting yourself, you must be willing to not just face but be the danger (to yourself as well as others), with the help of products like ...
Why Shouldn't Senior Citizens Have Electrified Canes?
Having trouble figuring out what to get Grandma this upcoming holiday season? Are the consarned scruffy-haired teenagers on her block getting lippy as she shuffles back from the IHOB? Is her gossipy neighbor's leg-lifting Pomeranian encroaching on her prize petunias? Sounds like Nana could use a good zappin' cane.
Weaponized canes, usually with a hidden shanking blade, have been popular among the cunning and fancy for hundreds of years. There are even some that can let loose with lethal ordnance. But for those who don't wish to spend their remaining golden years in the clink over a coupon dispute at Kroger, there's the less deadly alternative (unless there's a pacemaker involved) of electricity. The Zap Cane uses a rechargeable battery that's good for 50 zaps of million-volt justice. Which, considering the patience level of the average septuagenarian, should last about a month or so.
Lengthening the cane is simple enough. Just loosen the top collar approximately three full turns, then pull the lower section away from the upper section, keeping the copper strips aligned while being careful not to pull the electrodes off, and ... you know what? This might be a little complicated for someone whose every appliance has been flashing 12:00 since the first Bush administration.
Anyways, maybe Meemaw isn't impressed by a mere million volts. For an extra hundy, you can pick up the Arc Angel Stun Cane, which delivers a much more respectable 1,500,000 volts of no-account-son-in-law-fricasseeing power.
Bladed Coins In Your Pocket? What Could Go Wrong?
Just about anything, no matter how seemingly innocuous, can theoretically be turned into a death-dealing weapon. Just ask the stuntmen Jackie Chan has brutalized with spaghetti. But sometimes an improvised armament is a bit less than impressive, good for little more than making the TSA agent who discovers you trying to smuggle it through the scanners giggle themselves into a cardiac scare. Coin knives would fall into the latter category.
Apparently, there are all sorts of subtle ways to turn your loose change into tools of sharpened metallic mayhem. And all of them seem to be marketed toward the kind of people who spend an inordinate amount of time scouring the back pages of Soldier Of Fortune magazine. Not actually intended to fend off attackers, they're more designed with escape and evasion in mind, should you find yourself in situations requiring the cutting of duct tape or zip ties.
Hey, it could happen! Here's how a bullet point for a JFK half dollar with a razor inside describes it: "A potential life-saving tool for undercover operatives and even civilians traveling in hostile regions."
There are even DIY guides on the net, should you be interested in converting your francs into shanks, your loonies into lacerators, or your shekels into shivs. But they're generally so cheap that you're probably better off just buying one made by a professional. Although no matter which route you choose, there's probably no real way to avoid occasionally mutilating yourself when fishing around in your pockets for Slurpee money.
All Quality Furniture Should Also Double As A Deadly Weapon
The old "keep a Louisville Slugger by the door" method of home security is just so tacky and gauche. If only there were a way to keep burglar-busting, cranium-cracking weaponry close at hand without disrupting the ambience of the foyer. Well, there is! Like something out of IKEA's Federal Penitentiary catalog, the "Bat Rack" offers style as well as functionality, with the added bonus of allowing the homeowner a readily medieval option for pummeling interlopers to death.
Inspired by "the supple curves of Danish mid-century masters and the crack of a bat heard from neighborhood sandlots," this accessory makes the perfect gift for any relocated witnesses or outlaw bikers in the family. However, sometimes danger arises so suddenly that you have no time to make it all the way to the doorway. In exigent circumstances such as these, you need your contusion-inflicting gear available in the boudoir. In such a case, the "Safe Bedside Table" can be the solution to your home invasion deterrence or trash-rummaging raccoon bludgeoning needs.
A mere $245 seems a small price to pay for a stapled plywood shield attached to a fungo. Well, maybe not, but before it became available to the public, it was displayed at the New York Museum of Modern Art, and that has to count for something, right? Surely the hardened criminal forcing his way into your residence will be mightily impressed by its elegant simplicity, right before the bullets tear through it like toilet paper.
It's Weird That We're Not All Wearing Robotic Spider Dresses
In the greatest achievement in the field of making elevator rides unpleasant since Chipotle stock went public, a Dutch designer named Anouk Wipprecht has created a smart robotic spider dress. It's been described as a "smart cocktail dress with a kick," with "kick" presumably being a euphemism for "xenomorph exiting its host via the spinal column."
Wipprecht, a self-described innovator in "the emerging field of FashionTech," has partnered with Intel Edison to construct a fetching arachno-bodice that has the ability to express the wearer's inner feelings in the subtle way only an H.R.-Giger-esque mechanical abomination can. For instance, if you breathe heavily, the contraption will assume an "aggressive posture." And softer inhalations will cause the spindly legs to be more inviting, with come-hither sorts of movements. We considered reaching out to Ms. Wipprecht for comment, but decided we probably shouldn't disturb her while she was busy working in Elon Musk's R&D department, hidden deep within an active underwater volcano in an undisclosed sector of the Pacific Ocean.
The arms are also intended to serve as a proximity defense measure, reacting when either the incredibly oblivious or the legally blind invade your personal space. For those who are deadly serious about protecting the integrity of their personal bubble, it's hard to imagine a more suitable garment, apart from a trench coat covered in actual spiders. We assume accessories like toxin-filled needles and tiny speakers that go "SCREEE!" can be attached in accordance with the purchaser's individual requirements.
Electrifying Your Toes Is Just Common Sense, Really
Being that the feet are second only to the balled-up fist in terms of tail-whuppin' options, it makes perfect sense that people would devise various ways to make shoes more menacing. Depending on your level of formality, you can choose from anything from nasty plastic gouging thingies which you can lace into your sneakers to a fancy brass knuckle and (actual) stiletto heel combo for perforating assailants.
But sometimes a cleaner approach is preferable where your assault footwear is concerned, and unfortunately, neither of the above options seem like they'd produce much in the way of a tidy outcome. You know, what with all the fluids spurting forth from your adversary's face and ruining your outfit, etc. Thankfully, there's one genius who predicted this niche and filled it with a creation as magnificent in name as it is wildly hazardous in function: The Electric Cinderella.
Designed to "intimidate the intimidators," designer Simona Pasque developed these pumps with the vision that they might allow women to "look sexy without fear." You should worry somewhat, though, as you're only going to get one shot. Because you apparently have to shatter the tip of the shoe to expose the spasm-inducing parts. Which seems like kind of an unnecessarily precarious extra step, unless you're dealing with a mugger who's wearing a cup.
Weaponize Your Phone! Then Press It Right Up To Your Face!
Our smartphones are essentially extensions of ourselves. So just as tween girls will cover theirs in rhinestones and unicorns, the antisocial among us are able to satisfy their misanthropic tendencies by transforming a communication tool into a more physically effective equivalent of a Yosemite Sam "Back off!" mudflap. Mirroring law enforcement's use of force continuum, one can convert their handheld device into a pepper spray platform ...
... or a shock-your-bowels-loose taser ...
... or even a knife (with a built-in bottle opener to celebrate your kill):
The worry over tumor-causing radiation is probably pretty low on the list of fears for those who don't mind nuzzling their face up to such attachments during casual conversations. In fact, the truly reckless even have an option to, should they notice an abnormal mole or lump, shoot it right the hell off their face in between ordering pizza and texting kitty cat emojis.
Please just get a normal phone case, maybe made out of some nice wood?
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