The 6 Creepiest Movie Sex Scenes (Are All In Batman Movies)
When you're an insane billionaire who dresses up as a bat and only hires elderly British men and nine-year-olds, your boners are going to be nightmarish. Batman probably reacts to his own erections the same way most people react to seeing actual bats: with loud shrieking interspersed with swatting motions.
Thankfully, that hasn't stopped the makers of the Batman movies, TV shows, and video games from giving Batman the chance to engage the reproductive system in a way that only he knows how. For Batman, sex is a cowardly and superstitious thing, and it must be dealt with accordingly.
Batman Hits Dicks And Interrupts Blowjobs
The climax to the 1989 Batman film officially starts with a dick punch. A ninja flips toward him crotch-first, screaming the way only a man doing that exact thing can scream. Batman responds by firing a cock-smasher directly out of his wrist. What's a cock-smasher, you ask? Well, you know the hidden gun Travis Bickle uses in Taxi Driver? It's that, only instead of a gun, it's a cock-smasher. Sorry for using that phrase so much, but it's the only way to describe it. It exists for smashing cocks. And Batman built it. He knew this situation was likely to arise.
The World's Greatest Detective.
What could this device's backstory possibly be? Was there a crime wave of ninjas flipping about with exposed penises in the months that led up to this? Imagine the headlines: "Penis-Flipping Ninja Crime Wave Baffles Police." And this is the less weird option, since the alternative is that Batman was constructing his Batarangs and Batmobiles and Bat Grappling Hooks and randomly thought to himself, "I can handle crime, but what if I can't handle crime's dong?"
Ha! "Handling dong."
Moments later, newspaper photographer and screeching damsel Vicki Vale tries to distract the Joker by kissing him. She macks his big purple jacket in a way that's not erotic or distracting, but makes everyone in the cast feel terrible for her.
"Lint gets me so hot."
Vicki Vale has been kidnapped by Batman or the Joker at least four times in this movie already, depending on how you count. When you spend your life being dragged around by costumed psychopaths, awkwardly smooching someone's jacket is as close to a master plan as you're going to get. And then she drops down, and the Joker thinks, "Five minutes ago she hated me. This is going so much better than I expected."
Spoiler: His balls are about to match that tie color.
Surprise! It's the old "Think you're going to get a blowjob from a lady who loathes you but she's actually setting you up to take a punch from Batman" gag! Oldest trick in the book! How is it possible for the Joker to get so distracted that he doesn't notice a fully-armored, wounded Batman limping up next to him? I don't want to pretend that I've had sex multiple times before and am some kind of romantic master, but I feel like I'd know if Batman was within arm's length of me, even if I was getting to second-and-a-half base with Kim Basinger. And Jack Nicholson had already been having sex with the only other lady in Gotham, so it's not like he was so sex-starved that a little clumsy attention from a woman was going to upend his plans.
And before you argue that Batman is known for his stealth, let me counter with every other Batman-related scene in the movie, in which he fought evil by walking up next to it and watching it fall down. If Batman suddenly decided that maybe he needed to try out this whole "stealth" thing that the League of Shadows would always go on about, he certainly picked a weird opportunity to do so.
The Penguin Wants To Create An Explosion Of Children's Genitals
The best part about the Penguin in Batman Returns is that he's adaptable. When he was thrown into the sewer by his family, he ended up leading a group of killer clowns. When his mayoral campaign got squashed, he stole all of the firstborn kids in Gotham. And when that went sideways, he militarized an army of penguins to blow up the city. You can mock the Penguin because he's marshmallow butter stuffed into some full-body pantyhose, but you have to admit that he's far better at improvising than anyone short of the heroes from Fast & Furious.
Somehow not the craziest scene in this movie.
His problem was in the presentation of those plans. When he tried to team up with Catwoman, his pitch was made entirely of grunts and double entendres. During his rallying speech to his penguin army, he finished it off with a cry to blow the "erogenous zones" of Gotham's kids "sky high." Even in the context of Batman Returns -- a movie that's more about superhero crotches than anything Joel Schumacher was ever involved with -- it's a bizarre closer.
There is a legion of better options for the end of this speech. "Let's blow this city up!" would've worked. "I want to see Gotham burn in a gonad-less fire," is also a superior choice. I understand that sexual frustration causes people to do crazy things, like grow goatees or read Bret Easton Ellis, but what does Penguin hope to accomplish by shouting, "On a side note, this is mostly about a mushroom cloud of tiny privates"?
"Their nads will rain from the sky!"
It's not going to make much of a difference to the penguins who are sitting there being yelled at. When the Penguin is killed, the birds take him in a funeral march and ease him into the water. There's a deeper connection there that transcends genitals. But despite the kinship between flightless bird and DeVito, a penguin is going to hear that speech and continue to think "I'm a penguin. Where is food? Where is food? What's on my back? I'm a penguin."
"I'm a penguin. I can totally see the outline of his half-chub in that onesie. I'm a penguin."
When The Riddler Showed Sex Dreams To Gotham's Wealthiest
Batman Forever is a great time capsule for 1995. We had high enough hopes for Val Kilmer to make him our most popular superhero, Chris O' Donnell hadn't yet been lost to the Bermuda Triangle, Jim Carrey was attached to anything that required a funny voice, and we had just figured out how to harness Tommy Lee Jones. In hindsight, it's baffling to think that when Batman Returns underperformed, they made Batman Forever as a way to fix the Batman series. They created that movie with the thought process of "Now this, THIS will save us."
That's a safe bet if I ever saw one.
If you haven't seen it in a while, the Riddler creates a machine that broadcasts your wildest unconscious fantasies, and shows it off at a party for the rich people of Gotham. Now, when we hear "wildest unconscious fantasies," one might assume you'll get a montage of innocent dreams of wealth and status. One woman tries it and finds herself covered in nice jewelry. That's pleasant. Of course Bruce Wayne tries it and sees stuff about bats and his dead parents, because he can't be trusted to do anything properly. But overall, what could go wrong?
Him. He could go wrong.
The first guy who goes in imagines himself on a tropical beach. Two women come to his side and offer him a drink and some kisses.
"HEY, EVERYBODY, WE'RE ALL GONNA GET LEI'D!"
The audience reacts happily to this, and even Val Kilmer can almost be bothered to form an expression about it.
Asian Joseph Gordon-Levitt is similarly amused.
But is there a time limit on this machine? Because if not, then there certainly needs to be. Or some kind of fail-safe that shuts down at the first hint of nipple. As the second-smartest dude in Gotham, the Riddler has to realize that there's going to be some weird shit rolling around in the heads of the city's most affluent. It would be a massive oversight to think that light petting is as far as a machine that shows your most insane fantasies is going to go. That machine isn't going to make it through two users before it just devolves into broadcasting the rawest, most bizarre DC-Comic-related porn imaginable. The lives of countless millionaires are going to be ruined when it's revealed that their shared deepest desire is to bareback Commissioner Gordon in a Bat suit.
Or that might be Riddler's ultimate plan. Capture Wayne's girlfriend, stop Batman, blah blah whatever? All that stuff is secondary. The real goal is to make sure that everyone knows that the CEO of GothCorp wants a threesome with Man-Bat and Clayface on top of the Bat signal.
Alfred Dodges Kidnapping Charges
In Batman Begins, the League of Shadows infiltrates Wayne Manor and burns the place down. It's a pretty big news story, and it gets blamed on Bruce Wayne's unwieldy drunken playboy persona. It also seems like a fairly disastrous event, but it's nothing compared to what would have happened if it didn't happen, which is Alfred Pennyworth being charged with attempted kidnapping.
Rachel Dawes is an interesting character in the Dark Knight trilogy, because she rarely acts like a typical love interest (instead existing to show Bruce what he could have if he wasn't so goddamn insane), but still gets the fate that's usually dealt to one. After not making out with Bruce Wayne ever, she gets fear-gassed by Scarecrow and rescued by Batman, who takes her home and gives her an antidote. Batman then tells Alfred to handle her, and you'd expect Bruce Wayne's unwavering butler, played with charisma and warmth by Britain's National Grandfather Michael Caine, to take up the task with tact and cleverness.
But you'd be wrong.
Instead, he thrusts her into the car like his next step is dropping her into a well. As with every entry on this list, there are countless ways that this plan could've been improved, and Alfred making sure that no one was watching when he lugged a blacked-out lady to the backseat is in all of them.
They're standing in plain sight. I don't need Alfred to have the senses or strength of Batman. I don't need him to be inventing contingency plans to take down the Justice League and arguing with tiny fanboys from alternate universes. I just need him to be a little more aware of his surroundings when he's in the employ of Batman. I don't know how it was when Bruce Wayne was off ninja-ing it up in the mountains and you had the whole mansion to yourself, Alfred, but times have changed. You can't just go toting comatose women around without looking both ways.
"Oh, don't worry. I've known her since she was a little girl."
And no, it doesn't help that he turns around and offers a wry British witticism. Gotham City works in mysterious ways, but I doubt that two people are going to watch Bruce Wayne's butler abduct the city's unconscious Assistant DA and not call every cop that the city has. If the house hadn't burned down, The Dark Knight and The Dark Knight Rises would've been solely about Bruce's attempts to learn how to make tea for himself.
Actually, that's preferable to what we got in The Dark Knight Rises, because in that movie Bruce did find himself Alfred-less, and that was when ...
Bruce Wayne Loses His Virginity
As I mentioned earlier, Rachel Dawes doesn't really become Bruce Wayne's girlfriend so much as she's just around to tell him to get his shit together. And when Bruce was travelling the world, learning about criminals and brooding, it's hard to imagine that sex was a very big priority for him. When you're in the throes of "MY PARENTS ARE DEEEAAAAADDD!" for the second continuous decade, flirting is about 12th on your to-do list, with the first 11 points being "talking angrily about your dead parents."
So when he finds himself broke and next to the first uncostumed woman in his life who isn't demanding that he clean his room, he's going to bust out his best moves for the occasion. This version of Batman is so vengefully sexless that The Dark Knight Rises' descent into romance is done with all of the grace of a squid enema. Bruce and Talia run through the rain ...
... smile sheepishly at each other, look at pictures of Bruce's dead non-girlfriend ...
... and then have sex on the floor. If you ever wondered what an indie romance movie would be like if the first and third act were about getting your back broken by a terrorist, your dreams come true in the middle of The Dark Knight Rises.
It's like Garden State for caped manchildren.
This is a very optimistic view of how a guy in his late 30s / early 40s who sews his own animal costumes would pop his cherry. All first times are awkward, and anyone who tells you otherwise currently makes their living as a youth pastor. But as I said, the "MY PARENTS ARE DEEEAAAAAD!" thing has been stewing inside of Bruce Wayne for three-plus decades at this point. That's awkwardness on a level that you can only comprehend when your coping mechanism is putting on body armor and tackling Two-Face. That's why Talia won't even look Bruce Wayne in the face for a while after they get done with what must have been four minutes of growling and dark, gritty reboot humps.
"Are you into bat stuff?"
"Not without lube."
"I think you misheard me."
Harley Quinn's Looking For Love In Terrifying Places
We tell children that they can be anything that they want when they grow up, so it's the fault of my elementary school teachers and family that I'm writing this next sentence: I don't think the Joker and Harley Quinn have sex that frequently, if at all. If I'm wrong about the comic book universe, please send me the exact panel that proves me wrong. But I'm fairly certain that the Joker and Harley Quinn in the Batman: The Animated Series and Arkham game universes have about as much sex as me and this toboggan filled with queso dip beside me. Wait. Bad example.
Again, I'm expecting a lot of you to disagree with me. Agreeing about anything when it comes to Batman hasn't happened since 2008, when everyone left The Dark Knight feeling overjoyed and overloaded the whole concept of agreement. The Joker and Harley are the Prom King and Queen of Arkham Asylum, but I've always thought of their relationship as very asexual. In the Batman episode "Mad Love," Harley climbs up on Joker's desk and asks him if he wants to "ride his Harley," a scene that introduced millions of children to the notion of costumed boning. The Joker responds by shoving her to the floor and continuing to make plans for his true love: Batman.
"You want whoopie, go sit on a cushion."
The only time Harley ever receives any kind of affection is from Batman himself. In "Harley's Holiday," after Batman shows her general benevolence for an episode, she kisses him hard.
It goes on for so long that there's an extended shot of Robin looking on, befuddled by what must be the closest thing that he's ever seen to normal human affection.
"Hey, I've done that plenty of times ... Girls from Metropolis; you wouldn't know them."
Batman, obviously pleased with himself, even flirts back with her before walking away and never speaking of it again. After years of putting on tights and getting chased by Catwoman, this is Batman's Can't Hardly Wait moment, when "Ocean Avenue" swells and he knows that it's all going to be uphill from here.
"I don't stick it in crazy, and you are literally certified."
Now, the Arkham game universe and the Batman: TAS universe are obviously different timelines, but one thing that doesn't change between the two is Joker and Harley Quinn's symbiotic relationship. Until you get to Arkham City, in which Harley Quinn reveals that she was trying to get pregnant.
Cracked has written before that Arkham City allows you to simulate what it would be like to beat up a pregnant clown woman, but if she was going to try to get pregnant, she picked the worst time for it. At the end of Arkham Asylum, the Joker is left battered by explodey punches and Titan formula. A main plot point in Arkham City is that he is dying due to the poison in his blood, which means that if Harley and Joker decided to have a baby, they did so when the Joker was the weakest and most diseased that he'd ever been. It took the looming presence of a painful death and near-decrepitude for the Joker to actually "ride his Harley."
Poor Harley Quinn. She deserves better. Fan fiction, ho!
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