6 Kids Movies Clearly Made by People Who Hate Children
Kids' movies are the most heinous breed of film produced in Hollywood dungeons. Arguably made by adults, they're meant to entertain those of us who still pick our noses and find some manner of appeal in the comedy stylings of Rob Schneider. And while a studio like Pixar can consistently put out movies that entertain kids and adults alike, a lot of misguided attempts to make films for the younger crowd currently pollute Netflix and video stores, if any of those still exist out there. Some, I would argue, were made by people who not only don't have kids, but just don't like them.
Mac and Me
Synopsis: A family of aliens that resemble Khloe Kardashian after an unhealthy fast run afoul of a NASA probe. They get sucked in by $5 special effects and wind up on Earth, where the youngest escapes and ends up with a family of people who should be ashamed. One of them is in a wheelchair, as presumably his legs and spine gave out under the weight of bullshit he was saddled with in this terrible film.
The remainder of the plot is E.T. devoid of any wit or charm, which was skillfully replaced with something that makes you want to lunge face first at your own television so you can literally bite down on the awful and tear its soul out with your teeth.
Selling Point for Kids: What do kids these days like? Fuckin' McDonald's and Skittles. Oh, and maybe ugly little Progeria Muppets that look like ball sacks.
Hatred on Display: Product placement is standard in films these days, but few movies ever hit the shameless depths of pandering for cash that Mac and Me achieved. Even Castaway didn't suck FedEx's dick as much as this little Mongoloid alien full throats on Coca-Cola's generous shlong. No one made this movie for kids to enjoy, they made it to get money from the most uninspired corporate sponsorship ever. The fact that there isn't a scene when Coca-Cola and a Big Mac literally join forces to thwart the bad guys only means it was probably cut in post production to allow for more shots of Skittles.
There's a scene in this movie in which Ronald McDonald is part of a choreographed dance number inside a McDonald's. It's literally four minutes long.
If you watched that, you just lost a year off of your life.
Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2
Synopsis: In a sequel to the first movie you never saw, four babies who can talk to each other and have all the worldly knowledge and skill of adults team up with a baby superhero to destroy Jon Voight's career.
Selling Point for Kids: Babies who can talk! Oh my God, it's so novel, why didn't anyone think of it sooner? I mean, anyone who wasn't involved in Look Who's Talking or Look Who's Talking Too. Anytime something talks that isn't supposed to talk, that's great! Ask a talking dildo.
Hatred on Display: I spent 15 minutes staring at the draft of this article in Word trying to think of a way to describe the scene I'm embedding. It features a cameo by Whoopi Goldberg and O-Town. Every time I started to make a joke, I got choked up, like when you see those terrible commercials with the Sarah McLachlan song and all the abused dogs. This scene is the most abused dog in this Sarah McLachlan song. It's so fucking ruined, it doesn't even know what's wrong. It wants to be loved for just a moment, and all you can do is wipe the tears from your eyes while you tell the vet it needs to be put down.
This is how you appeal to kids? I don't give a shit what year this movie was made in, if all you can scrounge up is a cameo by Whoopi Goldberg and O-Town, your movie is bullshit. Wrong, damaged bullshit.
Synopsis: A British cartoon series about a dog that looks like an extremely ugly child with mumps is made into a film about the same ugly dog. The dog releases an evil wizard from a merry-go-round and must stop him from preventing my brain from knowing how to finish this sentence because I can't give a shit on a genetic level about how the plot of this turd developed or was resolved.
Selling Point for Kids: What's not to love? The voice talents of Jon Stewart, Chevy Chase, and Whoopi Goldberg, plus fart jokes, a jack in the box, and a merry-go-round? Kids still love toys from 100 years ago, right? Yeah, probably.
If ancient toys and unnecessary fart jokes don't appeal to kids, take solace in the knowledge that the ugliest cartoon designs in recent memory pepper this film and the ensuing nightmares following its viewing. Why does everyone have the swollen face of a guy who watches movies in the back room of an adult theater? No one knows.
Hatred on Display: Inexplicably, this movie performed well in Europe. Well, actually it can be explained. Europe got the original cut. American children, who movie studios traditionally believe are one step up the evolutionary ladder from drunken orangutans, were believed to be unable to handle this movie in its original format, so it was redubbed by American actors and fart jokes that weren't funny were added in. See, because in America, all anyone understands is farting and the nuanced humor of Larry the Cable Guy. It's why Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone was renamed Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, because studios are convinced you're one retarded spasm away from flopping into a river and drowning because the mittens pinned to your coat caught on a log at all times.
I'm not embedding a clip of this shitty movie.
The Garbage Pail Kids Movie
Synopsis: High on gasoline and ether, some movie executive bought a pack of Garbage Pail Kids collector cards, probably shit his pants in an alley, and then had a lucid dream about the single worst idea anyone had for a movie since Howard the Duck, which was actually made the year before.
Awful, awful looking puppets come from space in a garbage can and are just horrible to look at and do horrible things while making horrible jokes. This movie sucks harder than pretty much anything else has ever sucked.
Selling Point for Kids: In theory, the Garbage Pail Kids themselves were a selling point, but they're fucking terrifying to look at. Not in an intentional way, they're just wrong. Poorly made, awful, wrong little shitty creatures with no redeemable features.
Hatred on Display: Man, where to begin? Here's a clip that introduces the Garbage Pail Kids in the movie. Please keep a pad of paper handy so you can jot down everything that is completely fucktarded on screen.
Did you make notes? About the flamboyantly gay bully? The unholy spawn of Kevin Bacon and Joe Piscopo in a jacket bully? The cleanest sewer on Earth? The fact that they apparently tried to murder that child with sewage?
Get past all of the bizarre and uncomfortable plot points and you're still left with the Garbage Pail Kids themselves. Imagine for a moment your blender. Imagine if the glass container of your blender could be removed, but the base, with the spinning blades, is intact. Now imagine those blades spinning away and someone maintaining eye contact with you as they begin doing naked squats over those blades. Squat after naked squat, each time getting a little lower, never breaking eye contact with you. And the horror builds and builds until the inevitable moment when that person squats their junk right down on that blender. That's what The Garbage Pail Kids Movie is like, a slow, terrible build up to something that has been terrible all along but just keeps getting worse.
Super Mario Bros.
Synopsis: The world's most popular video game (at the time) becomes the world's most ill-advised film when the human from Roger Rabbit teams up with rat-like pseudo-comedian John Leguizamo to disregard 90 percent of the source material and make a movie about a dystopian shithole run by Dennis Hopper's terrible haircut and something to do with evolution and de-evolution.
Selling Point for Kids: Super Mario Bros. was awesome. Back when the NES was still the power system to own, before Sony or Microsoft even dreamed of having game consoles out there, Mario was the king. Now he's in every game Nintendo makes and not a soul on Earth gave a rat's ass about Super Mario Basket Weaving for Wii U, but back in the day the games were fun, so a movie featuring two plumbers saving princesses from turtles was as cool as, if not cooler than, a movie about martial artist turtles.
Hatred on Display: This movie is solely responsible for your awareness that movies based on video games suck donkey dick raw and rugged. They didn't have to. They could have been good. But this movie was so clearly written by a guy who probably played about 10 minutes of the game after a Percocet and champagne cocktail that it ruined the entire genre. If Mario Bros. could do it, every video game movie may as well do it. Who cares about the storylines in video games anyway, right? Aside from the people who are going to pay to see it, that is.
Remember Goombas from the game? They were little penis heads with feet that you jumped on. Now look at this clip:
Those giant dudes with tiny heads are Goombas. They're basically the exact opposite of what they looked like in the game. Plus they're apparently lizards, too. Because fuck you for questioning a movie that features Dennis Hopper with a prehensile tongue.
Synopsis: Everyone knows this story -- dude makes a puppet, puppet comes to life, wants to be a real boy, gets eaten by a whale, has a nose that grows when he lies, becomes a boy, the end. In this version, the little wooden boy is played by 50-year-old, balding, socially retarded Italian actor Roberto Benigni. Gonna be honest, I couldn't actually watch this whole movie, and I did watch all the other ones to write this article. This one, though, had to turn that shit off. I assume it follows the plot of the story you know, more or less.
Selling Point for Kids: I really have no idea. I know why Pinocchio from Disney appeals to kids, but I honestly think Roberto Benigni was literally insane when he sharted this thing out. Kids generally do not take a shine to middle-aged men dressed like sex abuse nightmares. If this movie was a meal, it'd be a burger with a series of pubes firmly embedded in the pickle at regular intervals so you absolutely know it wasn't a mistake.
Hatred on Display: This clip is not something I paid a group of sinister, society-hating nihilists to make for the express purpose of damaging your psyche, this is a real scene from this movie.
Roberto Benigni did everything you see in that scene on purpose. He wrote and directed this movie. It's not like he owed someone for placing bad bets down at the horse track. This was all his doing. Do you even want a child to see this? Do you want your progeny to have to grow and develop as humans with this embedded in their memories, threatening to creep out at any moment? Imagine coming home one day, years later, to find your kid dressed like Robert Benigni in this movie. Fuck that.