I'll grant you that this story is probably a 50/50 split of a dastardly dog and an owner who may abuse solvents, but at the end of the day it was still the dog that went out of its way to try to homicide a person. Purists will claim that a dog can't think like that and this was just an accident, and to that I say I saw Benji and Milo and Otis, and dogs can do all kinds of crazy awesome things. Don't even kid yourself.
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No one dies in this story or even gets maimed, and yet this one may be the saddest of them all, so I have saved it for last. This is the claw hand you find in the door handle of your car the next morning. This is your Rosebud. I don't mean that as a euphemism for butthole, either.
Baxter, a 14-year-old Yorkie from Colorado, has signed up for Obamacare. I want to leave that as the most important part of this paragraph, and I really want you to savor that. Roll it around a second, see how you enjoy the mouth feel.
At the time little Baxter signed up, only about 360,000 Americans had managed to get through the process, or roughly the population of Miami. Major media outlets had been raking the system over the coals since its inception, and jokes about low enrollment thanks to a poorly designed and executed website were par for the course each and every day. And a Yorkie had made it through.
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"I can get a kidney transplant whenever I want."
As numerous problems continue to plague the website and many people find themselves having problems getting properly insured, this dog triumphing over adversity is a majestic Dutch oven for all the peoples of America, a stinky sheet pulled over their heads to rub just a hint of salt in a frustrating wound.
How does a dog sign up for Obamacare, you might wonder? According to his owner, a letter came in the mail proclaiming that the dog was now insured. The likely cause was someone on the insurer's end drinking schnapps on the job, as the owner, when signing up, gave the dog's name as the answer to a security question, which naturally resulted in the dog becoming fully insured. If you can't trust your government to screw you in favor of a beast that licks its own ass, you're clearly not living in America.
Has a dog ever been more insulting to mankind? Short of sleeping with your significant other or possibly urinating on your dead mother after causing her death (perhaps from toxic vomit), a dog qualifying for health care when so few others can even figure out how to get the damn website to load is almost Kaufmanesque in its bleak hilarity. Baxter, you sinister bastard, I salute you.
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