Apparently, the rock star equivalent of a midlife crisis is reliving your glory days of spandex, groupies, and sold-out world tours. As a music fan, it's sometimes hard to watch the musicians and bands you love turn into living, breathing examples of all the things Spinal Tap tried to warn them about.
But there comes a time when we fans have to be honest -- not only with ourselves, but also with the musicians who wrote the soundtracks to our lives. Sometimes, celebrities need a little tough love. Other times, they may need to be taken out behind the barn and shot, just to put them -- and us -- out of our shared misery. For example ...
Van Halen recently announced a new tour that no one asked for. If their previous track record of getting the original lineup back together is any indication, then there's a good chance this will be as messy as a Real Housewives reunion.
The first time they got everyone's hopes up, including Dave's, was back in 1996. That lasted a few days before EVH shat all over the chances of them reuniting, in a released statement that was essentially the equivalent of telling your ex that last night's random booty call doesn't mean you guys are getting back together.
"It's not us, it's you."
In all fairness, Eddie was an expert-level alcoholic until about 10 minutes ago, so it's completely possible that he drunk dialed Dave and invited him to the MTV Awards, only to instantly regret it once his beer goggles wore off.
He looks like this when they're on.
Granted, they had a pretty successful comeback as the (almost) original lineup (sans Michael Anthony) in 2012, but I'm a Van Halen purist. I think anything after 1984 isn't real Van Halen. And save it, Hagar fans. I don't give a shit about your difference of opinion. Everything on those albums sounds like 45-minute long Pepsi commercials, and you know it.
Diamond Dave isn't much better. I'm pretty sure that if he tried to pull one of those jumping splits like in the old days, he'd break a hip. But he's an EMT now, so at least he can fix himself when it happens. Actually, seeing that would totally be worth the price of a ticket.
Seriously, these assholes have been playing a retirement tour for over a year now. They're like the Brett Favre of the music industry. Just clock out, already. At this rate, Mick Mars is going to completely turn to stone before this damn tour ever ends.
Shit, did it happen already?
Also, there's nothing very "motley" about a bunch of 50-something-year-olds who are sober (ish) and selling tickets on Groupon. I say sober-ish because word is Vince fell off the wagon again -- which, to be honest, I'm only shocked didn't happen sooner. The man was on Skating With The Stars, so can't say I fuckin' blame him for drinking.
Crue lost all their Crueiness after Dr. Feelgood. The real problem is that this whole band was supposed to have overdosed or be in jail by now. You can't be Motley Crue and live to be eligible for AARP benefits. Do some Behind The Music shit or call it a day. Those are the only two options at this point.
Like Madonna, I too prefer early Madonna. The difference is that one of us is going crazy with the plastic surgery, trying to recapture the younger Madge, and the other one is just listening to their old CDs and watching Truth Or Dare once a year. In case you're curious, I assure you I don't have plastic surgery money.
Anyway, I love Madge. LOVE. But Madonna the "Queen of Reinvention" has become Queen of wearing grillz and trotting around in her old outfits like some demented washed-up starlet who's drunk on memories and has no one filtering her Instagram posts.
I wish Madonna drank, so we could at least blame any of her recent faux pas on being a boozy mess. All I know is that her recent shenanigans are making me miss the days when she was too busy pretending to be British and better than everyone else to give two fucks about anything.
I made the conscious decision that Madonna was done after Confessions On A Dance Floor.
I'm thinking that maybe I should have cc'd her on the memo, because since then, it's just been one bad album after another. Listen, you wanna bask in the glory of knowing that every poptart wannabe nowadays is really just biting off your early shit and failing miserably at living up to the legend of Madonna? I'm all for it. Instead, you're desperately trying to stay relevant by competing with a bunch of 20-year-olds who are knocking off your old look and sound by knocking off their look and sound. It's very confusing.
Also, it's kind of a risky road for Madonna to take to her inevitable retirement (probably 50 years from now). After all, it's not like she's a stranger to stealing from people.
Guns N' Roses
It took 17 years and the promise of free Dr. Pepper for every man, woman, and child to get Chinese Democracy completed. The wait was well worth it for anyone who wanted a reason to think that Axl Rose lost the ability to produce competent music decades ago.
Nevertheless, he's at it again, with a rumored new album in the works. He's really trying to prove a point here, and it's going over as well as those cornrows he was rocking a few years back.
And just like that, your dreams are haunted tonight.
I get that he owns the name, but Axl plus a bunch of randoms does not the Guns lineup make. There's been practically a conveyor belt of band members, because true to form, Axl is impossible to work with. Yet he refuses to accept the hard cold truth that it's him and not every other musician and producer in the music industry.
The only way Guns N' Roses should be allowed to tour as GNR is if, by some miracle, someone gets Slash and Axl on a stage together. There's a little rumor that Mark Canter thinks he can do it, but I wouldn't count on it.
We'll always have Celebrity Deathmatch.
Axl couldn't even show up to their Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction. Why? Because there was a chance that it would have brought joy to his former band members and fans, and clearly those are not two motivating factors behind anything Axl Rose does at this point.
I'm this close to tracking down Heather Mills and beating myself over the head with her prosthetic leg just to spare myself the agony of having to hear Paul McCartney butcher one more classic song. Every time he sings "Maybe I'm Amazed" nowadays, he sounds like he's about to have a heart attack or a stroke. Someone give this man a cup of tea, an afghan, and some tomato plants to take care of and let him retire in dignity. I get it, he's the last living Beatle.
Yes, I do know Ringo is still alive. What's your next question?
Sir Paul's a legend, and on one hand, it's cool that he jams with younger musicians that have always idolized him ...
Like Kanye West?
... but on the other hand, every time he opens his mouth, he sounds like an emphysemic wino with laryngitis attempting a karaoke cover of a Beatles song. It's not quite the same, because the karaoke bar couldn't license the actual backing track, and it's only as tolerable as you are drunk.
Also, can we get a price discount on the concert tickets after all these years? I get that a person is supposed to make more money the longer they do something, but can we set a threshold of some sort? At one point, tickets for a Paul McCartney show were averaging $241. It was barely worth it to pay that much when the band was still together and touring. There's a reason they don't have a ton of live albums like so many other bands. Paying that much for just Paul, especially at this age, is insanity.
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