Festival season is fast approaching, and that means two things: sex and drugs. It should go without saying that these two things will be happening simultaneously. With that in mind, I figured I'd do a bit of a public service for all the partiers on the festival circuit, and help you figure out which sex and drug combination is best for you. These combinations have been tried and tested, and were sloppily pieced together from whatever hazy memories and semi-functioning brain cells I have left. Results may vary.
Cocaine is the grandfather of party drugs. It's been the unofficial substance of choice for the rich, famous, and sexy for decades now. In its heyday, coke was one of the MVPs of the infamous Studio 54, where its union with nightlife was officially sealed by the man in the moon with the cocaine spoon.
Way to keep it subtle, New York in the '70s!
You think coke, you think slinky starlets wearing Halston, supermodels doing bumps backstage during Fashion Week, and groupies snorting lines of coke off of erect rock star dicks. That shit just sounds all sorts of glamorous, dirty, and sexy at the same time.
Unfortunately, that image is mostly a bunch of bullshit cultivated by years of inaccurate movie depictions of coke-fueled sex romps. Nowadays, most coke is mixed with so much other shit that it's about as pure as Jenna Jameson on her wedding night.
Valerie Macon/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
Legally, this is the only color she should have been allowed to wear.
Sure, maybe the first bump or two may make you feel euphoric, confident, and sexy, but the more coke you do, the more coke you want, eventually leaving you feeling more "geeked" than "chic."
Assuming you ever stop doing lines and shut the fuck up long enough to decide to have sex, don't expect to enjoy it much, thanks to the sexy phenomenon known as "coke dick." Yup, fellas -- no matter how bad you may want it, your lil' buddy isn't in it to win it when cocaine is involved. While you may be coked up and ready to go, your dick looks more like a sad, limp noodle than a rocket ready for launch.
Like this, but all dicks.
And ladies, if you happen to find yourself facing a flaccid penis, you're almost as useless, because cocaine makes you so dry it's like the Pit of Carkoon between your legs. And we all know how stoked Luke Skywalker was to jump in that pit ... or any vagina, for that matter.
#4. Special K
Everyone can thank the gay club scene for Special K's popularity as a party drug. It leaves users feeling euphoric, relaxed, and, similarly to the effect you get from poppers, nice and loose. Specifically, it loosens up all sorts of involuntary reflexes, like gagging or the clenching of one's orifices. Do I need to spell this out for you, or you can figure out the appeal?
The thing with Special K is that a little goes a long way, which presents two major issues: 1) What constitutes "a little" varies depending on the person, and 2) most idiots don't know that you can't and shouldn't do massive bumps or lines of K like one might with cocaine, because doing so results in the infamous "K-hole."
This shirt exists for a reason.
A K-hole is essentially an amalgamation of nightmarish nonsense that's occurring in your mind when you do too much ketamine. You lose the ability to piece together rational thoughts or coherent sentences. While you're falling into a hellish rabbit hole, to the onlooker, you look like you have Bell's Palsy, and you may shit your pants while trying to figure out the math equation from Good Will Hunting. In other words, you're the polar opposite of a fuck machine.
If you can avoid that, though, K sex isn't half bad. You'll be super relaxed and in the mood to bang. Just a little heads up though, ladies: Your coordination and awareness won't be the sharpest. Meaning that if you and your partner aren't paying attention, something may end up slipping in the wrong door.
Chad Baker/Digital Vision/Getty Images
The wrong sex door!
On the one hand, if you ever wanted to try anal sex, but were nervous or scared it would hurt, this may be the best time to do it, since you will be so relaxed back there that the experience may even be enjoyable. On the other hand, if your back door is exit-only, it may be best to avoid doggy style if you choose to do the sex while on K.
You'd think the name alone would be an indication of exactly how awesome sex is going to be while rolling your face off. That said, ecstasy has changed a lot over the last decade or so.
Back in the day, the pills were stamped and had catchy names like UFOs, Mercedes, and Mitsubishis. It was basically a crackhead version of the Dewey Decimal System. Knowing what kind of roll you'd be in for was way easier to keep track of back then, because the way the pill looked told you everything you needed to know.
Unfortunately, that was a long time ago, and things have changed since then. Nowadays, ecstasy, or "Molly" as you kids call it, is way more of a crapshoot.
You'd think that term would be reserved for ketamine, given the loosened orifices and all.
You're never really sure what you're getting. Sometimes it's partially MDMA, or if you're super lucky, it's pure MDMA. If that's the case, get naked and get some ass, because sex on MDMA is like pizza; even if it's bad, it's still pretty damn good.
Other times, though, that pill you just dropped is MDA or MDE, which is similar to MDMA, but minus the grandiose feelings of love. So unless there's a DJ pumping decibels of music through you, sex will be a lot lamer than you're expecting.
John Lund/Blend Images/Getty Images
Just joking; having a DJ around never makes anything better.
Nevertheless, that still counts as one of the more favorable outcomes. There are other things that have been found in those mysterious capsules, and they're rarely good. Sometimes it's crystal meth, which may lead to you dancing all night or to finding yourself still up days later, picking at your skin and wondering how your life suddenly turned into a scene from the movie Spun.
Worst of all is that sometimes, the white powder in those capsules is bath salts, which probably won't lead to the sexual experience you were hoping for, unless your idea of good sex involves fava beans and a nice Chianti.