And that's just snack food to meet the most basic caloric requirements. The idea that I might be able to cook actual food or even heat up something frozen to then shovel into my face was laughable. I lost 10 pounds: The same amount of weight as my daughter at the time -- coincidence? Bearing in mind that I'm a skinny son of a bitch to begin with, this got dangerous.
But there was no obvious solution. Even preparing food at night after I dragged my ass home from work late still left me with the problem of how to get the food to my mouth the next day. It's one I didn't solve, and it led to some health problems that took several months to recover from.
As the pros say: "Blood sugar imbalances can cause a host of bothersome effects, including mood swings, headaches, trembling, sweating, and fatigue." Uh-huh? No shit. We've all been there, sister.
After a month, my kid seemed to sense that I wasn't able to hold her as well as before (I wonder why), so she started sleeping on her own ... most of the time. When that happened, I stuffed my goddamn face. Which was also dangerous. It doesn't take a dietitian to know that going from not eating at all to shoveling half of your refrigerator into your gaping suckhole isn't healthy.
Anthony Hall/Hemera/Getty Images"You could at least unwrap the burrito."
"NO TIME!"
But, again, at the time when the prohibition was lifted, before the binge-eating came back to kick me in the guts, I was so grateful I could have wept. Eating until I felt like I could puke was my reward.
I'm telling you that babies know exactly what they're doing. Every torture technique they use on you strips away another layer of self-involved narcissism until you're left a better, more selfless, far more loving person.
Either that or I have a serious case of Stockholm Syndrome.
The Academy Awards: Once a prestigious occurrence, it's more and more becoming a drama that deserves it's own ridiculous Hollywood retelling. Join Stanley Wong (The Big Short), Liana Maeby (South On Highland), Jack O'Brien, Dan O'Brien, and Alex Schmidt for a LIVE podcast at the UCB Sunset Theatre on Feb. 3 at 7:00 PM as they break down what it'll take to save the Oscars. Get your tickets here!
The New World Order may very well start with babies. Check out how those satanic buggers are capable of lying in 6 Shockingly Evil Things Babies Are Capable Of, and you might want to do a quick paternity test on your baby. Learn why in 4 Ways Nature Brainwashes You Into Taking Care Of Babies.
Subscribe to our YouTube channel to further confirm why babies will take over the world in The Mind-Blowing Truth Behind Talking Baby Movies, and watch other videos you won't see on the site!
Also follow us on Facebook, because it's a great way to make 3.7 million friends ... and then later discover they're strangely racist.
513 Comments