4

Getting Presents You Hate

This entry is a lot less petty than it seems. From the time we're children, we're taught if someone gets you a present, you say thank you. The end. It doesn't matter if you like it. It doesn't matter if you already have it. It's the thought that counts.

Dylan Ellis/Photodisc/Getty Images
"Pornographic Sock Puppets ...? THANK YOU?"

It's not so hard to follow this rule and to hold your tongue. I'm talking about a much more personal scenario, where a close friend or loved one gets you something you couldn't possibly like. Like you're into death metal and your wife buys you the new Fun CD, or you're deathly allergic to roses and after 10 years of marriage your husband still comes home with a whole bouquet of them. Or like you have convulsions at the sight of hammy, over-the-top, scenery-chewing acting and someone gets you the House Of Cards box set with Kevin Spacey DVD commentary and bonus track of him singing. There are some presents that are downright infuriating because they reveal your supposed loved one doesn't know the first thing about you. Still, it's a special kind of ass that can bitch about getting any kind of present, and so we drill bite marks into our tongue.

3

Watching Someone Fail

The longer you live, the more mistakes you make. And, hey, that's cool. Mistakes can help you learn. Just because that's the kind of sentiment your grandma might stitch to a pillow doesn't mean it's not true. Also, I mean someone's grandma, in general, not yours. As a Cracked reader, your grandma probably has no time for knitting, considering she's pillaging America as second lieutenant of her motorcycle gang.

Photodisc/Photodisc/Getty Images
Grandma?

But some lessons have to be learned by personally experiencing them. You can tell your children how to steer their bicycle or how to position their weight and lean in to a turn, but ultimately they're not going to learn how to ride a bike until they cut up their legs on the pavement a few times. Sometimes people have to fail in order to learn. It's why Cracked keeps letting Felix Clay write articles. (He's getting there!)

Anyway, if you care about someone, sometimes you have to bite your tongue and watch them make the mistake they want to make. Hell, even if you don't care about them! I see this a lot with friends proposing big artistic projects they never finish. "I'm gonna write a novel/screenplay/series of theater pieces about the life of Thomas Edison but told from the perspective of a rat that lives in Nikola Tesla's crawlspace!" or some other fanciful project. They need to crash and burn and then pick a more realistic project.

An even better example would be the impossibility of convincing someone to get help for their addictions and/or mental-health issues, but that's depressing so I wanted to do the singing mouse thing first. But what you've heard is true. It's nearly impossible to get someone to get help before they're ready to get help. Many need that rock-bottom wake-up call, and holding your tongue while you watch them get there can be excruciating.

2

Your Ex Realizing It Was Them

This ever happen to you? Your boyfriend or girlfriend breaks up with you. You tell yourself, "Oh, it's because x, y, or z was wrong with them," and then, years later, they actually admit you were right? Like, maybe you guys fought because your ex could never admit he/she was wrong. Or maybe he/she was really hung up sexually. Or maybe your ex had such trust issues that you were always on the receiving end of an ass-kicking no matter what you did. The specifics don't really matter. All that matters is you were sure you weren't the problem, and after years of more life experience your ex agrees!

Jim Esposito/Blend Images/Getty Images
"Remember when I said you were a miserable piece of garbage who could never make anyone happy
in a relationship? Turns out I was wrong. Wouldn't you know it, I'm the asshole!"

1

When Someone Doesn't Take Your Advice, Suffers, And Asks, "Why Me?"

Nobody likes a busybody. Just because you have an opinion doesn't mean people should listen. Some people reserve the right to ignore you even if this is America. (Unless you're not reading this in America, in which case: What's it like not to get shot at constantly?) The point being, this is not an entry about how hard it is when people don't want to hear your advice. What I'm dealing with here are people who actively seek your advice, ignore it, crash and burn because they didn't listen to you, and then come to you crying.

theurbandaily.com
"I know you told me not to drink pure gasoline while juggling torches,
but what I want to know is, WHY AM I ON FIRE?!!!"

When this happens, it takes the strength of 10 men to keep from saying, "I told you so!" Saying? It's nearly impossible to keep from screaming. From holding them down and tattooing it across their stupid forehead, because, y'know, in fairness, you fucking told them so!

But you don't. Why? Because, again, not kicking someone when they're down is as hardwired as saying thank you for presents you don't want and your feeling of self-preservation when you let your boss get away with murder. And that's a good thing, really. It means you have compassion for someone who's hurting. Or maybe it comes from maturity -- the realization that the kind of people who are too stubborn to take advice they're asking for are still unlikely to learn their lesson after falling.

theurbandaily.com
"OK, so you were totally right and I heard you say it again after the last time,
but seriously, WHY AM I ON FIRE??!!!"

And while you should probably bite your tongue in the interest of maturity and compassion, there is a little bit of comfort you can take from this situation. When they come to you again for more advice that will never be heeded, you can keep biting your tongue.

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