5 Sequels Made By People Who Must Not Have Seen the Original
The things Hollywood has done to keep franchises going make Dr. Frankenstein look like a reflexologist. After six sequels the Saw plot only makes sense if you assume everyone in the world is a psychotic invalid. And since a lot of them went to see Saw seven times, the assumption is pretty accurate.
But we're not talking about sequels that shouldn't have existed. We're talking about sequels that
"Yes, this looks like something a sane person would buy."
Jaws: The Revenge
In the fourth film, Jaws: The Revenge, a fourth shark eats Sheriff Brody's other son in the waters off of Amity Island, because sharks are apparently both capable of swearing blood oaths, and remarkably persistent about carrying them out. And here's where things get really far-fetched.
"Please note that we haven't even arrived at the most implausible sequel yet."
After her son is killed by yet another giant great white shark, Ellen Brody leaves Amity Island for the Bahamas, and I'd like to congratulate one of Amity's suicidal bait-monkeys for finally having that idea. Almost as if they're unprepared for the inclusion of logic in a
And Poseidon knows it tried.
After decades of having everyone close to her eaten by sharks, Ellen has developed the ability to be traumatized by sharks, freezing up and flashing back every time she sees it. This is especially when she's doing something vital like steering the boat. And just like every '80s movie, the stupidest ability possible saves the day! Just before gently prodding the shark with the boat's bowsprit, she flashes back to a sepia-toned clip of the original movie's "Smile you son of a bitch!" So even the flashbacks are impossible because the only living thing to see that immediately became a hundred buckets of oxygenated chum.
The impact somehow causes the shark to explode like a blood-filled balloon, thus bringing the franchise to a merciful ending.
And reminding audiences of the original at this point was just cruel.
Jaws 4 sucks more impossibly than a black hole.
Highlander: The Quickening
Highlander made audiences care about swashbuckling at a time when every action movie was required to feature explosions by inventing swashbucklers who caused explosions. When two of the film's Immortals fight, things explode for almost no reason, and when one wins even more things explode for even less reason. It remains the coolest thing films have done with swords after lightsabers. And just like lightsabers, more recent films with them suck like a Hydra stealing gas.
Despite the first movie featuring more than two Immortals from over 500 years ago,
One film caption hasn't told so many fans to fuck themselves since DIY Masturbation was closed captioned for the hearing impaired.
The face of action!
How many of the following things aren't murdering people with swords: making jokes at a tailor's shop, ruining a Shakespearean play and sacrificing your life to defeat a ceiling fan. If you could even read that sentence you did better than Sean Connery, though at least that last one included blades.
The face of inbreeding!
Alien was a breakthrough in sci-fi horror, Aliens kicked every ass that dared sit in a movie theater in front of it and Alien 3 urinated on both while screaming, "HAVE WE MADE THE RAPE AND PREGNANCY THEMES CLEAR ENOUGH, YET?" Alien 4 said, "No."The ImpossibilityAlien 3 started by killing half of the remaining characters, and destroyed the franchise so hard the other half committed suicide during the movie. Ripley back-flipped into boiling lead as her chest exploded -- that's the deadest you can get in a movie without threatening Schwarzenegger's daughter.
You would swear the people who made
The makers of the fourth film thought this was too subtle.
Of course, to get to that point, she must undergo a resurrection more genetically impossible than Tila Tequila's child filing a paternity test -- too many horrible things have gone wrong in there for the result to make any sense. They show you the clone growing from childhood, but it still has memories (impossible), the alien parasite (impossible) and superhuman Alien abilities (ultra-impossible, since the only power acid blood gives to humans is "being a puddle.") Yelpir spends the rest of her screen time believing that "strong female character" means "bitch." It's like two idiots hated Ripley in different ways and took turns writing her lines, and the production was
"I feel so safe in your claws."
The plot ends with Yilrep and Winona Goddamn Ryder (who fits the franchise about as well as a Care Bear) looking sad to be killing an alien. The first three
Why am I?
Crank: High Voltage
High Voltage is the Danny De Vito of action movies.
The first five minutes feature deeply internal shots of Statham before he sodomizes a man with a lubricated shotgun. It's like his career really did die at the end of the first movie and now he's doing porn.
We're here to chew bubblegum and ruin movies, but we can't walk when doing the first.
If you want to see this, you want a different kind of "manly action."
Game of Death II
Game of Death was already impossibly bad. Bruce Lee died during filming and they not only released it, they used footage of his real funeral to finish it. It was a real-life, real-death and entirely humorless Weekend at Bernie's. People who use corpses in their plans are why Conan and Bruce Campbell exist to kill people. The fact the producers weren't spectrally kicked to death remains the most convincing proof there's no afterlife.
Even by 1981 standards the editing was terrible, and back then, good editing means you didn't drop pieces of film as you sellotaped them together. Bruce Lee spends the movie teleporting more than Doctor Who, and used physical violence less often. Entire scenes were built around one second of Lee standing in a doorway. If he'd owned an answering machine, they would have made the movie about him chasing a drug dealer called "The Tone."
"Hello, master, I am definitely Bruce Lee!"
His replacement's martial arts are based entirely on facing away from the camera. His fight scenes so ludicrously prioritize "what people see" over "actually hurting anyone" you'd swear he was doing capoeira. The amazing thing is that he's only in the first 30 minutes of movie. Lee is killed off in a scene which is either an attack of conscience on the part of the scriptwriters, or a brag that offers definitive proof that the film was produced by Satan: "Bruce Lee" dies while desperately clinging to a martial artist's coffin which is being stolen by greedy evildoers. It couldn't be a more accurate movie summary if it was IMDB.
Advanced training gives the monk the ability to grow and retract eyebrows when Bruce is in shot.
"Dignity" and "Dangling" have never been compatible.
When he's not watching the worst movies ever made, Luke McKinney tumbles and has a website. When he is watching the worst movies ever made they're Irish martial arts disasters and Milla Jovovich killing zombies.