5 Sequels Made By People Who Must Not Have Seen the Original
The things Hollywood has done to keep franchises going make Dr. Frankenstein look like a reflexologist. After six sequels the Saw plot only makes sense if you assume everyone in the world is a psychotic invalid. And since a lot of them went to see Saw seven times, the assumption is pretty accurate.
"Yes, this looks like something a sane person would buy."
Jaws: The Revenge
"Please note that we haven't even arrived at the most implausible sequel yet."
And Poseidon knows it tried.
After decades of having everyone close to her eaten by sharks, Ellen has developed the ability to be traumatized by sharks, freezing up and flashing back every time she sees it. This is especially when she's doing something vital like steering the boat. And just like every '80s movie, the stupidest ability possible saves the day! Just before gently prodding the shark with the boat's bowsprit, she flashes back to a sepia-toned clip of the original movie's "Smile you son of a bitch!" So even the flashbacks are impossible because the only living thing to see that immediately became a hundred buckets of oxygenated chum.
And reminding audiences of the original at this point was just cruel.
Jaws 4 sucks more impossibly than a black hole.
Highlander: The Quickening
One film caption hasn't told so many fans to fuck themselves since DIY Masturbation was closed captioned for the hearing impaired.
The face of action!
The face of inbreeding!
Alien Resurrection
The makers of the fourth film thought this was too subtle.
"I feel so safe in your claws."
Why am I?
Crank: High Voltage
High Voltage is the Danny De Vito of action movies.
We're here to chew bubblegum and ruin movies, but we can't walk when doing the first.
If you want to see this, you want a different kind of "manly action."
Game of Death II
"Hello, master, I am definitely Bruce Lee!"
Advanced training gives the monk the ability to grow and retract eyebrows when Bruce is in shot.
"Dignity" and "Dangling" have never been compatible.
When he's not watching the worst movies ever made, Luke McKinney tumbles and has a website. When he is watching the worst movies ever made they're Irish martial arts disasters and Milla Jovovich killing zombies.