5 Ridiculous Ways Men Keep Trying to Impress Women
Dumb guys doing terrifyingly misguided things in order to impress romantic partners is a time-honored tradition. So much so that even the most patently ridiculous ideas have occurred to multiple men in different parts of the world. Wherever you find horny dudes, you'll find that at least some of them are ...
Stealing Exotic Animals For Their Girlfriends
If you're a man and your keen observation skills have told you that women love animals, what's the next logical step? Buy your girl a puppy? Take her to the zoo? You fool! You sneak in and steal a specimen from that zoo! Jeez, it's so obvious!
Sure, some guys think small. Like the dude who stole a puppy from a pet store as a gift to his girlfriend, and was charged with felony grand theft for it, because it turned out the puppy was worth 900 goddamned dollars. (Does it talk or something?) But others know to set their sights higher.
Like the 58-year-old dentist in Wisconsin who worked at a petting zoo and stole a pair of lynxes for his girlfriend on the Fourth of July. Because who wouldn't want two 60-pound cats capable of killing deer prowling around their home?
Back in 2000, some teenagers pulled off a koala heist at the San Francisco Zoo in an effort to impress their girlfriends. They nabbed a mother and daughter koala as Christmas presents, then spent the evening trying to feed them oranges and carrots. Which means that not only did they steal koalas, but they also didn't even know the #1 fact about koalas.
Then there was the time a drunk in New Zealand wanted to snag a squirrel monkey to impress his lady friend, and instead got his ass handed to him by those same monkeys. There's no footage of what happened in the Wellington zoo he broke into, so no one knows exactly how the would-be abductor was found still in the enclosure the next day with a broken leg, broken teeth, and extensive bruising. So go ahead and imagine several squirrel monkeys with hammers, just whaling on a guy.
Faking Violent Crimes
Movies have implanted a hero fantasy in a lot of men around saving their damsels from danger. Except then they never find any danger in real life. So instead they're forced to fake it. What other possible option is there?
In 2004, an 18-year-old in Virginia was taking a girl on a romantic drive when they were accosted by two masked assailants, one wielding a knife and the other packing BB gun heat. At the right angle, that could leave a welt! The man acted quickly, wrestling the gun away and scaring the attackers off. He then called the police, and that's where this ugly Christmas sweater of a plan began to unravel. Cops actually showed up with search dogs and a helicopter to find the thugs. Eventually, the man admitted that the robbers were friends, and he staged the whole thing to win back the girl who had dumped him. Which was stunningly similar to this case that happened in Arkansas in 2013. That's right, this guy is a type.
Sadder than an 18-year-old doing this is the Oklahoma high school teacher who in 2004 paid students to duct-tape his wife during a fake robbery so he could save her. He even rigged a board to smash over one of their heads, WWE-style. Unfortunately, his wife did what people usually do during robberies and called the cops, ruining the plan. It's kind of hard to tell someone, "No, don't call the police! I, your husband, will handle the evil myself!"
Thanks to the magic of capitalism, there is now a theme park in Japan where you can hire people to help you act out your hero fantasy to impress your date. You can also pretend to defuse a bomb, or most dramatically heroic of all, pretend to donate blood in an emergency. Step aside, Superman, the real heroes are here.
They say women like a man in uniform, but keep it within reason, bro. Don't be like the guy in Arizona who entered a bar with a badge and a gun, claiming to be a U.S. Marshal. In true Marshal style, after the bouncers refused him entry, he went to sulk in the parking lot. Fun twist: Some off-duty cops who moonlight at the bar showed up for their shift, and the door staff told them about Marshal Make-Believe. The guy admitted his badge belonged to his dad, and said he was using it to impress a girl who presumably thinks lonely men in parking lots are hot.
Instead of a dad, it was an uncle who was the source for the uniform, gun, and car that an 18-year-old Florida guy used to impress his girlfriend. Only he didn't stop there. He got so into it that he went out and fought crime for a while. He broke up a fight, pulled over someone to issue a warning, and at one point called for backup. Surprisingly he didn't get any jail time for that, probably due to a loophole that says nothing in Florida is illegal if done for love.
As such, a guy in Tampa Bay hit up his local Walmart wearing a tactical vest emblazoned with the word "police," as well as a gun belt. He proceeded to offer every excuse under the sun for why this happened, from "I'm a cop" to "My father was a border patrol agent and this is a tribute to him," but he eventually admitted he was trying to impress a lady. Man, I can't tell you how many times I've impressed a woman by playing pretend in a Walmart.
Falling Off Of Buildings
By now you should be getting the sense that a lot of guys truly have no clue what will or will not make women like them. That is why somewhere right now, at least one guy is thinking, "What if she saw me climb something like Spider-Man? Then she would have no choice but to love me!"
Like the middle-aged guy in New York City who fell right off Belvedere Castle in Central Park. If you haven't seen it, it looks like someone plopped a three-star Medieval Times in the middle of Manhattan. This dude climbed it to "impress a girl," according to police. His reward was a broken ankle and head injuries, and probably not a second date.
A university student in Pittsburgh went the extra mile when he was trying to impress his lady friend by jumping from one rooftop to another. The extra mile was of course not literal, because his distance game was shit and he fell, getting wedged between a bagel place and a fucking Qdoba Mexican eatery. They had to remove part of the wall of the Qdoba to get him free, which was probably not the most embarrassing thing to happen at a Qdoba that day.
Even celebrities aren't immune to the siren song of "Hey, come get up on top of this tall shit because she'll love it." The lead singer of Pulp, Jarvis Cocker, once fell out of a window trying to impress a girl.
But Cocker has nothing on the 16-year-old Russian who decided to swing on the railing of a balcony to prove to a girl that he could do it ... and then fell 230 feet. But don't worry, he didn't turn into a puddle of chunky lovelorn soup. A car actually broke his fall and he survived, albeit with some broken bones and damaged organs. Hell, that's more impressive than being able to swing on the damned rail.
Setting Large Fires
There's an episode of The Office wherein Michael decides to light a fire in a crowded parking lot in a misguided proposal attempt. Luckily, he is stopped before he commits felony vehicle arson, but this only means that truth is once again stranger than fiction, because there are dudes whose plans to burn their way into someone's heart never got the stop sign.
An 18-year-old in Germany is said to have burned his house to the ground after trying to romance a lady with the phrase "You set my heart on fire" spelled out in flaming candles. That's remarkably similar to the story of a dude in England who opted for tea lights to spell out his girlfriend's name, and subsequently destroyed his bedroom.
In Sweden, a guy who misunderstood both science and women chose to use fire in a much more robust fashion: by burning himself. In what was apparently a party trick, the guy doused his arm in gasoline and then lit it on fire. And in an outcome that surprised negative amounts of people, he didn't then make out with the girl while appropriately sexy saxophone music played, but rather was hospitalized for his burns.
The thing all these pyros for love have in common is that none of them intended for everything to go wrong. Not so for Jeff Wayne Oliver, though. He told cops that he lit his own home on fire on purpose, solely to impress his lady. Now, you may be curious as to how destroying your own home is impressive to anyone, and traditionally it's not. But Oliver's plan was to set the blaze and then extinguish it. That's right, he combined this bit with the "fake a crime to act the hero" thing from earlier. Truly, a master of seduction. Whether due to love or smoke inhalation, his girl would be swooning for sure.
Instead, what happened was that Oliver started a fire in his fridge, and then fell asleep. He fucked up the worst plan possible in the worst way possible, and ended up destroying most of his apartment. He was then charged with first-degree arson by a cruel system that clearly does not understand the ways of the heart.
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