5 People Who Make You Reconsider The Right To Free Speech
Freedom of speech sucks! Well, no, of course it doesn't. It's absolutely essential to a functioning democracy. But sometimes it's like that uncle you see only at family functions -- the one who starts off quiet, proceeds to empty out the beer cooler, and then reveals to you that he once fucked a Bigfoot. And that the Bigfoot was your mother.
I'm not saying that free speech should be revoked, or even that it's a bad thing. I'm just saying that there will always be folks who make you wish there was some sort of STFU clause in the Constitution, like the guy who just couldn't restrain himself from ...
Shouting "English Only!" At A Kindergarten Translator
Going to your kid's school recitals can be a chore. Rarely do any of the "performers" have much in the way of stage presence, and you're lucky if one of them can even carry a tune. And God help you if they go to one of those schools where English is a second language for some of the students. It just makes a tedious event even more so, especially when the school shoves a translator up there to repeat everything in Spanish. By golly, it's about time someone took a stand and used their powers of jackassery in the name of freedom.
We don't know the name of the righteously aggrieved man who took it upon himself to chant, "English only! USA!" over and over at the Performing Arts Center in Perry, Iowa, and that's probably as it should be. Thankfully, the other members of the audience showed little support for his actions, and a couple of older men (who frankly may have been grateful for the diversion) escorted his sorry ass out of the theater. But it wasn't quick enough to prevent a bunch of little kids from being freaked out by his likely preplanned, WWE-worthy outburst, and as one parent pointed out: "I think it kind of gives the wrong idea to the kids, you know, like more bullying in schools."
You don't get the nation's highest literacy rate without breaking a few huevos,
if you catch my drift.
Presumably, the gentleman in question -- let's call him "Tractor Pull Pete" -- chose to disrupt this particular toddler-heavy event in reaction to Iowa's rapidly growing Hispanic population. Maybe? I mean, it could have just been because he's a ridiculous asshole. But one thing that's certain is that he's never going to win over many hearts and minds with those tactics. The woman on stage was translating for the parents, not the children, who probably are doing just fine learning the local tongue via a constant bombardment of Bubble Guppies and PAW Patrol. And I'm sure his own ancestors didn't learn English in a day. You know, when they came over from Greenland with just $2 in their pockets, speaking only in walrus.
But we also can't rule out the possibility that all this was just a big misunderstanding. Especially when you see the guitar-playing faculty member up there, who appears as if he's disgusted by the intolerant public expression of a stranger, or he's merely impatient with the antics of his overly dramatic, attention-seeking life partner.
"Goddammit Brad, I told you I was working late tonight."
Telling NFL Rookies To "Have A Fall Guy" For Their Crimes
Cris Carter, for those who think touchdowns are a type of slam dunk you make with a hockey bat, is an NFL Hall of Fame former wide receiver who was renowned for catching footballs and failing drug tests. He's since gone on to become a television analyst, which may in fact be his true calling, considering the talent he's shown for incessant blathering. He'd made some minor missteps along the way, but nothing beyond the bad predictions and periodic verbal miscues that are the typical hazards of the trade. Then this shit happened.
The event going on there was the 2014 Rookie Symposium, where wizened veterans were tasked with preparing incoming players for the realities that go along with becoming a ludicrously paid professional concussion recipient. The particular discussion had to do with, basically, staying out of the kind of trouble that being young and suddenly rich can lead to. And Carter interjects with this cynical pearl:
"And just in case y'all not going to decide to do the right thing, if y'all got a crew, you got to have a fall guy in the crew." (Emphasis ours.)
Whereupon his partner on the stage, former defensive tackle Warren Sapp, responds with the kind of shocked, uncomfortable laughter that one usually associates with witnessing a person being shot in the dick with a tennis ball machine. But eventually Sapp recognizes the sagacity in the thoughtful words that were just uttered, and says, "We'll get him out," in reference to the person whose job description is to go to jail in place of the guy making the six- to seven-figure paycheck.
"Clearly I was just speaking to the nautical enthusiasts on the importance of safety equipment,
when inclement weather ... aw, fuck it."
Not to say that what Carter said isn't excellent advice in certain circumstances. If he held these kinds of sessions for first-time offenders in the San Quentin prison yard, California's recidivism rate could take a dramatic dip practically overnight. However, neither his employers at ESPN nor the NFL brass felt it was particularly constructive to teach a bunch of 20-somethings that if they want to "keep rolling like this," they can always "get around all this stuff" (the consequences) by ensuring that "one of them fools" (certain members of their entourage) "gotta know that he's going to jail" (be assigned the role of patsy).
The last half of the lecture dealt mainly with the loopholes in human-trafficking laws.
Was Carter just being realistic? Maybe. I'm sure that Sapp wishes there was some willing dupe around to take the heat when he was arrested for fighting over money with prostitutes. But critics of Carter's educational methods say the focus shouldn't be on how to get away with criminal activity, but instead on how to keep young athletes from getting themselves into those types of situations in the first place. You know, boring "I know, dad! Geez!" bullshit.
Carter, to his credit, later expressed regret for the incident and agreed with the critics. And hopefully last year's rookies now realize that the best source for learning how to get away with bad behavior probably isn't the guy who forgets there's a fucking camera in the room.
"First thing you gotta do is get yourself a plastic barrel and some hydrofluoric acid ...
Wait, is that recording?
The "F*** Her Right In The P*****" Trend
I'll go ahead and keep this brief. The whole FHRITP thing started when an online hoaxster named John Cain posted a fake newscast in which he played the role of a reporter making a graphically unfortunate blooper on live TV.
It was a hit, as far as these things go, and a few sequels to the concept followed soon after. Only now Cain was replaced by a skeezy-looking, Unabomber-esque guy named Fred, and the shtick got a little more ... aggressive.
This approach turned out to be even more popular than the first version, and variations on the theme would continue to pop up, much to the delight of (if this YouTube viewer counter is to be believed) more than a million people.
While it's obviously about as lowbrow as you can get, in a way that's significantly more wince-worthy than when some mook runs up and yells, "Baba Booey!" behind a reporter or during golf tournaments, I suppose it's not completely without merit. I mean, it's sort of funny, in the way that a comedian who works primarily at strip clubs can be considered as much, and at least everyone involved is in on the joke. But nobody would think this sort of behavior is acceptable in real life, right?
Don't blame this guy. The one saying it is behind the reporter. Watch the video to confirm
every suspicion you have about him.
On top of the multiple incidents that occurred during last year's World Cup in Brazil, a man in Canada disgraced the already shameful sport of soccer by grunting the aforementioned phrase into the microphone of a female reporter. Bravely, the reporter (named Shauna Hunt -- no relation to Mike) faced down the perpetrator and asked why he would choose to degrade her in such a disgusting way. And the response by the extraordinarily punchable culprit was: "But when else are you going to do it?"
You may be pleased to know that the actions were not without consequences, as at least one of the guys in the video was fired (from his bitchin' job of engineer for an electricity company). For six months. Then they hired him back. But there are those who are troubled by the fact that employers are increasingly firing employees for their behavior outside of work and have expressed privacy concerns (which is hilarious, considering he knowingly said that shit right on live TV). But we're talking Canada here, and what goes on in that backward, maple-swilling wilderness has little to do with how we conduct ourselves here in the U.S. Likewise, we probably shouldn't concern ourselves with how Ireland deals with the fact that it's happening over there too.
To be fair, this is probably how Colin Farrell got his start.
Here in America we all enjoy the God-given freedom to climb onto a table in a busy university cafeteria and yell, "FHRITP!" to our heart's content. Actually, that might not turn out so well. To avoid any real consequences, you might want to make sure you're a football star, where the worst-case scenario is apparently being benched for the first half of one game.
Keith Olbermann's Twitter Account
Keith Olbermann, much like his spiritual soulmates Alec Baldwin, Morton Downey Jr., and any number of frothing, recently bat-bitten raccoons, has never been known for his restraint. His impassioned style is frequently at odds with employers and common decency alike, but nobody can ever accuse him of lacking backbone (mostly because nature chose to mutate him by adding an extra vertebra to his spine). For the most part, Olbermann's brash commentary has been limited to the airwaves, and one might assume that this will be the case only until every network bridge is burned and he's forced to travel the nation via boxcar, muttering his views on Dick Cheney between spoonfuls of beans around the Hobo Jungle campfire. Don't hold your breath on that, though, because apparently somebody made the unwise decision (or maybe his anger-management counselor was forced at gunpoint) to show him how to set up a Twitter account.
To be fair, "screw you" might be the same way he greets his Nana at the nursing home.
The above comes in the wake of an announcement by NASCAR last year that Tony Stewart would not be competing in an upcoming event (the Cheez-It 355 at Watkins Glen), due to the fact he had accidentally just run somebody over at some non-sanctioned dirt track. While fans joined in to express their condolences to the family of the guy who Stewart recently treated like a slow-moving groundhog, Olbermann saw an opportunity to insert himself into the discussion and let everyone know just how stupid he thinks NASCAR fans are.
Once somebody texted "there" instead of "their" to his phone, and repeatedly backing over
an entire sack of shelter kittens could not sate his rage.
He began by calling the announcement itself "a shameful tweet," and accused NASCAR of using the victim's death to promote their brand. I'm not exactly sure how telling the world that one of their most popular drivers wouldn't be showing up for a race would help ticket sales, but whatever. And from there things devolved rapidly, with Olbermann attacking people's avatar appearances and throwing around insults with playground-level savagery until one poster seemed to stop him in his tracks with a moment of clarity:
ESPN is in all caps, you fucking dipshit! HAHAHAHAHA.
But maybe it's hard for you to side with NASCAR or its fans, and maybe you believe like Olbermann does that the sport is basically like "watching NYC traffic." If that's the case, then I'll see your "trading insults with racing fans" and raise you one "getting into a fight with a college that is raising money for pediatric cancer research":
We had no idea his hatred of bald people went this deep.
In this particular and regrettable circumstance, Olbermann didn't mean that it was "pitiful" that the students of Penn State University were being charitable. That would have been crazy and rude. What was bothering him was the fact that they, as students of that particular institution, merely existed.
Come on, just because Hitler graduated from Cal State Fullerton doesn't mean everyone who goes there is an asshole.
It seems that Olbermann was still a little sore over the whole Sandusky scandal (not literally, I don't think) and felt that a gathering of people who want to help cancer kids was a good place to vent his ever-percolating vitriol. Sure it was a little inappropriate. And juvenile. And possibly indicative of the onset of burrowing, parasitic brain worms. But this is a man who stands by his convictions, no matter the ... nope. Actually, at some point that pesky, periodic clarity apparently showed up again, and he wound down his rampage with this very sincere-sounding denouement:
"I apologize for the PSU tweets. I was stupid and childish and way less mature than the students there who did such a great fundraising job."
... which apparently didn't come quick enough to keep ESPN from suspending his silly ass.
Advertising To Parents That You're Going To Bone Their Daughters
Some full disclosure here: There was a time and place where I would have thought the banners on display in the images here were actually pretty hilarious. And no, it wasn't when I was 12 and hallucinating in the backseat of my parents' station wagon while they drove me home from dental surgery. I was a college dumbass once myself, and "hijinks" like that, while it would have certainly ruffled the elbow patches of the tenured professors, wouldn't have disturbed me in the slightest.
We didn't have "LOL" back then, but I probably would have done a "hang loose" sign with both hands while flipping an Ollie.
But today I have a daughter of my own, and I fully expect that she might one day choose to throw her daddy's money down the toilet to attend an institute of higher learning. And, well, let's just say that seeing this sort of thing now makes me strongly contemplate dealing with the young men who hung them with various acts of atrocity so barbarous that any ISIS members in attendance would immediately throw down their AK-47s and sign up with the Hare Krishnas.
How about Plan V, for vivisection?
Then I recognize this is just assholes being assholes, and while it's certainly predatory, obnoxious, and foul, it isn't the end of the world. But while Virginia's Old Dominion University may have gotten the most press because a few Sigma Nu fuckwads engaged in this kind of behavior, the depressingly stupid fact is that it seems to be a nationwide trend. The image with the guy in a Speedo and the "Daughter Day Care" sign? That was from Ohio State. As was the birth control awareness campaign immediately above. Then there are the fraternities from Wisconsin to the Dakotas where witty, often-misspelled signs like "21 to Drink, 18-ish to Spend the Night" signs are posted in full view of anyone foolish enough to live in the same neighborhood as these menaces to property value. And, of course, my favorite:
It's my favorite because I like to imagine they unveiled it right as a large contingent
of Hells Angels just happened to be riding by.
Another thing I realize is that this type of thing has been going on forever. There are ancient penis carvings and "Lucilla is a whore" graffiti in the ruins of Pompeii, and immature, testosterone-addled dudebros have been trying to convince those around them of their totally-not-gayness since time immemorial. But while the government authorities aren't likely to do much about it when you unfurl a "Honk if You're Dropping Off Your Underage Daughter Because I Would Very Much Like to Statutory Rape Her" bedsheet from the window of your filthy/communal/private abode, the universities have a little more leeway in the matter and can do things like suspend your ass indefinitely. So it's not like they're getting off scot-free. Plus, if their goal was negative attention, they certainly got more than they bargained for. And I suppose I'll just have to content myself with that until my proposed law -- the one that gives me the personal legal authority to conduct an "open dialog" with these gentlemen in a dank basement in the undisclosed location of my choosing -- is finally ratified.
"Writing dick jokes for the last few years has given me a very particular set of skills ..."
For more idiots who use their freedom of speech as license to be fecal-humans, check out the moron who hung nooses around his yard in 5 Cases Of Free Speech That Will Make You Hate Freedom. "But Cracked, these people have free speech! Let them say what they want!" some angry guy in the comments is surely hate-typing into his keyboard. Well, we suggest you read 5 Things Everyone Gets Wrong About Free Speech and learn that just because you can say something doesn't mean we can't say it's stupid.
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