Cracked Columnists

5 Things Everyone Gets Wrong About Free Speech

The right to free speech is one of the most important rights we have. It's a key element of a functioning democracy, ensures minority groups can make their voices heard, and serves as the foundation for all the best (and worst) jokes.

Stockbyte/Retrofile/Getty Images
"Hey, did you hear the one about REDACTED."

But although the importance of free speech is widely known, the details on how it actually works aren't, to the point that when someone cites their right to "free speech" on the Internet it's an almost certainty that they don't know what that means and are probably confusing it with an imagined right to "have everyone be nice to me." So here, then, for the oppressed and oppressors that make up Cracked's audience, are five of the most important things about free speech that we always forget.

#5. It Only Prevents the Government From Restricting Speech

All of the laws protecting free speech make it clear that it protects an individual from having their speech limited by government action, which is intended to stop a government from silencing speech it doesn't like. Recall that the whole point of a democracy is for the people to vote for their leaders and occasionally vote out their leaders. It's a lot harder to do that if every piece of news you read claims your current leaders are perfect. For this reason alone, the right to freely criticize our leaders is important.

premier.gov.ru
Even when they are kind of amazing.

But none of our laws protecting free speech apply to authorities outside the government. Obviously someone outside the government has much less power to restrict free speech; they can't throw people in jail or a box with holes in it or anything. But they can do some things. Your right to free speech won't protect your job when you start shrieking obscenities at your boss during meetings. And if someone else has given you a platform to speak on, like a show or newspaper column, then they're under no obligation to let you keep that platform if they don't like what you're saying.

Tomwang112/iStock/Getty Images
On an unrelated note, Cracked management are a bunch of gaping REDACTED. Really, just cavernous.

#4. It Doesn't Mean People Can't Criticize You

Imagine some maniac.

Evan Sharboneau/Hemera/Getty Images
"IMAGINE ME!"

And imagine he's standing on a street corner, ranting about mole people. Like how handsome they are. Something about their muscular buttocks, maybe. And while this guy is going on and on in increasingly uncomfortable detail about these hot, taut mole people, we all understand that there's nothing we can do to stop him. This is free speech in its most basic form. He's in a public space, not inciting violence, all that. But although there's nothing we can do to stop him, there's also nothing he can do to make us not mock him.

Evan Sharboneau/Hemera/Getty Images
"STOP IT! YOUR MOCKERY DRAINS MY MOLE-CELLS."

On the Internet especially, this deeply baffles some people. They say something dumb, everyone tells them that they're dumb and to stop saying dumb things, and they interpret that as an assault on their right to free speech. It's not, of course, because no one calling this dummy a dummy actually has the power to stop him from speaking. The best they can do is usually complain to whoever's giving the dummy a platform, and asking them to take the platform away from him. But that's, as discussed, a totally reasonable (and legal) thing the platform owner can do. In fact, this is more a case of free speech working perfectly, than it breaking down.

The most hilarious thing about people holding up their right to free speech is how much it weakens everything else they've said. When the best thing someone can say about their argument is that it isn't technically illegal, that doesn't say much about the strength of their words, does it?

Evan Sharboneau/Hemera/Getty Images
"STOP USING WORDS AGAINST ME."

So, if you're a maniac, what should you do if you're really sure of your argument about mole people sexiness? Keep arguing it. Politely, civilly, relentlessly. If your crazy ideas are actually right, like that one lady's idea about letting women vote, then the rest of us will come around to it eventually. Don't ever mention your right to free speech, because it just weakens your argument. Save that for when you're in front of a judge, because they'll at least take it pretty seriously.

Studio-Annika/iStock/Getty Images
"We have to allow that mole people might be super-fine."

#3. Even the Government Legally Restricts It All the Time

The government, with the wisdom that we're pretty sure it must have, has determined that there are a number of situations when, no, it'd really rather not let everyone have free speech.

dimamorgan12/iStock/Getty Images
"A lot of times you guys hurt our feelings."

But this isn't normally to limit criticism of government (except when it is). It has more to do with fairly specific cases where free speech stops the government from doing its job. Someone who works for the CIA, or otherwise has access to classified information, will find that their right to free speech doesn't extend to sharing that information freely. Which not only makes sense, it also increases the potential for slapstick comedy scenarios where the wrong DVD gets returned to the video store. Another example are gag orders, where the courts can order a person not to say something about something, like about an ongoing law-enforcement activity. If you work for a telephone company and the police provide you with a wire-tap warrant, they'd also issue you a gag order to prevent you from talking about it. Like, say, to the people being wire-tapped.

Gringos012/iStock/Getty Images
"Before we begin, you're not an undercover criminal are you?"
"No."
"Because you have to say so if you are. Otherwise it's reverse entrapment. Detrapment."

In other areas, the government has been found to have the right to restrict pornography or stop speech it believes could incite immediate lawless action or violence, sometimes known as "fighting words."

Monkey Business Images Ltd/Getty Images
"Would you like to fight?"
"You know, I would."

In practice, although it's useful to remember these limitations, you're not going to come upon them in your day-to-day life unless you're like some fighting-words spewing, pornography dealing, telecommunications worker. In which case, wow man, awesome. Awesome. Sorry about those free speech limitations, but seriously man, awesome.

Recommended For Your Pleasure

Chris Bucholz

  • Rss

More by Chris Bucholz:

See More
To turn on reply notifications, click here

1,996 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!